Hello! My (M25) girlfriend (F21) believes she deserves unrestricted access to my phone 24/7/365. In her previous relationships she has been cheated on almost constantly.
We’ve been together for a year and a half and for the first year or so of our relationship she had unrestricted access. She has never had a reason to believe I have cheated on her and I have never cheated.
About six months ago, I realized that she still had zero trust for me even after all this time. Again, I’ve never given her a reason to doubt my love for her. So, I decided to change my phone passcode so she would have to start trusting me at my word.
I told her about this before I ever did it and we both thought it was a good idea. However, about a month into it my girlfriend started complaining about not being able to go through my phone and accusing me of cheating.
I let her go through my phone once to prove I wasn’t. This cycle has happened several times now. This most recent time, I decided to not let her go through my phone. Nothing to hide, I just feel like if it’s going to keep going like this, no trust is going to be built.
Now she is threatening a breakup if things don’t change and she is able to be able to go through my phone whenever she wants. I told her that this is a non-negotiable for me. So esteemed Redditors, AITA?
NTA. Her trust issues might be justified, but 100% control over your phone will not fix them. If that's her solution, she'll never escape the problem. Constantly checking and trying to find something is going to accelerate paranoia - not calm her down. You need space to reflect and feel safe, too. Keep your control over your phone.
" Now she is threatening a breakup if things don’t change "
NTA. I get that she's had a bad history with men, but you've done more than enough to show you are trustworthy. This is something she needs a therapist to help her with. This is not something that a faithful partner should be subjected to for the entirety of a relationship. This is a hill worth dying on.
Breaking up sounds like a good idea. She can get therapy to deal with her own trust issues but treating romantic partners like they are responsible for the behavior of others and like they don’t deserve any personal privacy should disqualify her from being anyone’s girlfriend.
I don’t see how anyone should have unrestricted access to all of your most personal things including your bank account, documents, etc. NTA. Break up.
NTA Just curious, do you have unrestricted access to her phone? What would she say if you asked to go through it?
She says that I do, and that her passcode is the same it has always been, but I have only ever been on her phone once and then the passcode changed and I don’t know what it is. She keeps telling me that I can go through her phone whenever I want but in reality I can’t.
She won't be able to develop the trust if she can check your phone whenever she wants. Checking it just reinforces the insecurity. "Oh, I didn't see anything this time... Better check it again later just to be sure!" NTA.
NTA. I am just about old enough to be your mother.. I have been happily married nearly as long as you have been alive and in a relationship with my husband for longer....... here is what I know in happy long term relationships TRUST IS EVERYTHING. Both in trusting and being trusted.
If there is no trust in your relationship the relationship is dead you just haven't worked out it doesn't have a pulse anymore. If she can't trust you let her walk away.....if she decides to stay she has no self respect and that is just another huge problem for the relationship. If she doesn't follow through on the threat to end it you should.
This jealousy and doubt will make you more and more miserable and resentful over time. Her lack of trust will make her more and more ridiculous and unhappy making her harder and harder to live with as well. Remember the Reddit saying...."You don't need to set yourself on fire to keep others warm" and nor should you.