(Originally posted to Tumblr)
My wife (35f) and I (38m) have been married for 12 years, dated for 3 before that. We have 3 kids (10m, 7f, and 5f). We both work full time in separate fields. She does some chemistry thing that I don't understand and I am a manager at a computer repair store my friend runs, and also a short story writer when its slow.
She is definitely the breadwinner and bill payer between the two of us, but I bring in the fun money for our family and would be completely listless if I didn't at least work part time. We also fully own our home because of her job.
Also, my parents watch the kids for us during the week when we are working. It's been this way since our son was born, and they've been doing it less since the kid are all in school now. But it's free childcare, they refuse to accept money unless it's reimbursing for buying food.
A couple of months ago my wife started pepper into conversations about a possible promotion coming up that would get her out of the lab and into a more "manage the lab team" position, with less dangerous hours for more pay.
Ever since the first time she mentioned it I've been hyping her up and telling her she's a shoo in for the promotion, especially since she's been working there since her masters internship and now she has a PhD.
Last night, she told me she was getting word today if she got it! After she left for work this morning I called my boss up and told him I couldn't come in today, and then told my parents the kids were saying with me. We spent the day cleaning the house, drawing congratulations cards, and making a congratulations banner.
We also made a couple cards that say sorry and we love you for if she didn't get it. I was working on making her favorite dinner (lobster rolls with lobster bisque, because she's a fancy lady) when she got home earlier than normal. Everyone was surprised, because no one is usually home at this time and yet here everyone was.
She got tears in her eyes seeing everything we were still working on, got down and hugged our two youngest and said she got the promotion! Cheering all around! And that's when she dropped the bomb, saying we need to get a realtor in a state three away from us so we can relocate within the next two months.
I was stunned, and just said no, we arent moving for this promotion. In all of her talks she never mentioned that the promotion wasn't for the same location she's been at. All of our family is here, her parents and mine, all of our friends are here, my job is here. She insisted that she's mentioned relocating before but I swear she never did.
That set off a completely new argument about never listening to her and only hearing what I want to hear, and how this will make it so I can stay home with the kids and not even need a fun money job. During this I noticed she was typing on her phone, and when I asked why she was multitasking an argument she said she was texting my parents to get the kids so they don't have to see this.
When my parents arrived, they congratulated her on the promotion and asked how long until we move. She told my parents the promotion included relocation. I'm typing this on the couch in the basement, because I can't face her right now.
My parents knowing means she probably did say we would need to move if she got it. I don't want to move, I like my job, and our house. I like being near my parents. I know this would practically set us for life but I don't want to. I know I'm being selfish, and I know I must not be listening when she talks, but I still don't think she should accept the promotion. I still think no.
This has only been up for a few hours, but I wanted to get this in as soon as I could. It's been a little less than a month since I had sent this in so a lot has happened. I will front load with information people asked about. Formating is screwy because it's tumblr. Also sorry if it sounds fake, I wish it was.
Info -I've been tested for ADD as a kid but did not get diagnosed, though I guess that would be something that can change as I age. I probably should get tested for ADHD considering she's told me her exact job many times and it refuses to stick in my brain.
It's something to do with the environmental testing? Like, soil, water, ect? It's definitely not incredibly dangerous, but it involves chemicals so there always some danger.
There were many conversations in general about her possible promotion, mostly about upgrading cars and electronics. It was never really anything detailed beyond that. I don't actually know why my parents never mentioned it? I should probably ask them at some point.
Our kids do have friends in school, though in these few weeks they never really talked about anything with me. It was like everyone was walking on eggshells where I was concerned. My son did say we needed a school with a good soccer team though, so he had some opinions after the argument.
When my parents got the kids she stormed up to our room and I went and hid in the basement. I was definitely being a coward, but I also wanted us both to calm down. I did feel silly asking tumblr about this, but I've been here since 2010. I was falling back on a previous safe haven.
That next conversation did not happen. That next morning she was acting like I was perfectly fine with everything and we weren't arguing in the first place. It was weird, but after the argument in front of our kids and venting here, I had decided that I would support my wife. If my parents knew we were moving, I was clearly in the wrong.
This is of course when things started breaking down. Buckle up, this is going to get stupid. And if you think this sounds like a bad story, you try living it.
Within days of the announcement, we had a realtor looking at houses for us near what will be her new office. She was planning on being the one to do a final walk through after we picked a house via photos so she could be multitasking and get acclimated at the new job location. It was her suggestion, and I did not want to rock the boat any further.
Conversations between us were only about logistics at this point. How would we handle moving, when was my last day, where were the kids getting transferred too, ect. It was very stilted and any time I would try to just talk normally she would ignore me.
The next time I had work, one of her coworkers came in with her kids' busted laptop. The screen took some kind of sports ball to the face basically. As I was filling out the intake form, she asked me how our kids were handling the transfer. When I asked her what she meant she clarified that she was talking about the transfer request my wife put in…To the office she said the promotion transferred her to.
I told her that my wife didn't put in a transfer request, but instead was given a promotion with a transfer. She then told me my wife's had that promotion since January and recently put in a transfer request that was approved. The promotion that included a hefty pay raise.
When she left, I checked our bank account on my phone and saw that the same amount she's always been paid was still what she was getting. I believed the coworker must have been mistaken, but when I went home, I spoke to my wife about it.
She told me that the coworker was just jealous she had been passed over for the promotion and wanted to add to the drama in our house. That seemed to break the ice a bit and I was able to apologize to her for the misunderstanding and the argument.
She told me she accepted the apology and that she assumed it was coming because of how helpful and attentive I had been. According to her, I was paying more attention than normal and she appreciated it.
She must have spoken with the coworker about this at some point because when she came to pick up the laptop a few days later she refused to speak with me past "hello" and "here's the bill" and was glaring the entire time.
After that conversation, things seemed to settle. I wasn't happy about the relocation, but I didn't want our family to break apart all because I wasn't paying as much attention as I should. This new attitude was the final nail.
We had started organizing things, throwing away and donating things we didn't remember even having, ect, to prepare for the move. While I was going through a closet she normally hid the kids Christmas presents in, I found a few old laptops.
She claimed that she hides everyone's presents in that closet, and that I found her birthday present for me, just some things to tinker with while we settle. Not totally weird, but it was a little. She probably knows about as much about my work as I do about hers. I also found a few books that belonged to her mother.
I figured that I could start to mend that bridge. Her parents never liked me and I thought bringing them the books might help. I did not tell my wife about this, but considering the level of dust on them I'm sure she forgot they were there.
Her parents live a few hours away from us. Not even slightly as close as my parents, but they would still be states away after the move. I drove the entire way, no meeting halfway or anything. It was an awkward meeting, but her mom did appreciate me bringing the books to them.
Apparently she thought she had lost them. We did some stilted small talk over a late lunch and I asked how they felt about my wife's promotion and move. They seemed a little confused and stuff was slowly unraveled.
According to her mother, she mentioned the promotion in January, when she got it. She had mentioned to her dad that we were saving the extra money "just in case" because of a business venture my boss and I were planning.
According to her, we were going to try opening a location in the city we were moving to and I would be leading it. Her parents said they knew I'd had some failed investments and plans in the past, so they were honestly not hopeful this would go well, but they were glad she was able to transfer with her promotion to the other office.
Guys, I had no idea what they were talking about. Investments or plans? I'd done the same job since college and I've never invested money a day in my life. I said as much, and then also told them I was going home to talk to wife. I don't really know how they reacted, I was basically in tunnel vision. Probably shouldn't have been driving.
So much ran through my head during that drive home, and I was ready to confront her about everything. I guess her parents called while I was driving back and it tripped her up enough that she just told me everything.
She was cheating on me, had been for years. Once she got the promotion in January she set up a second bank account and had them split the check between the two. Her boyfriend in the city we were moving to had access to the new account.
He already owned a house, but he used some of the money to fix it up a bit and was just waiting for us to come, I guess to sweep her off her poor feet after my "business venture" failed. She didn't tell me about relocating on purpose, she's been poisoning her parents thoughts of me for years, and she's been lying to my parents and children.
She also told the coworker that started this thread that I never listen to her and the "misunderstanding" was just another instance. She told me she never thought so many things would come undone at once. She's still planning on moving. Me and the kids aren't.
You said it.
That’s so messed up for so many reasons: Lied to the kids about it Lied to in laws Talked badly about partner to parents and coworkers Gave money to affair partner HAD A FING MULTI YEAR LONG AFFAIR THAT SHE PLANNED TO MOVE THE FAMILY TO BE CLOSER TO AND THEN PROBABLY DIVORCE THE HUSBAND WTF
Presumably divorce him after making him quit his job too. And move away from his family to where he has no support if he wants to stay in his kids’ lives.
Jesus fing Christ that woman is sociopathic. What the hell.
That's some pretty primo gaslighting!
Poor OP. His wife manipulated him so badly and made him look like the villain to everyone.
Ohhhh wait until his attorney and the judge finds out about the hiding money for her lover. She's going to be spending that whole promotion check on alimony and child support.