Woman tells friend she saw her new BF wearing a wedding ring, finds out his wife just died. AITA?
'TIFU by ruining my friends new relationship'
SourSkittlezx
My good friend Amy is a widow. Shes been trying to date again the last few years, but so far all of the guys have been really toxic, including an alcoholic who would use her to pay his way and crashed her brand new car while she was at work…. So when she started dating John, she told me she was on edge and afraid that he was going to be like the last couple guys.I didn’t realize my husband knew John.
My husband works in an office that specializes in certain companies complying with the government regulations on that type of business. John works in IT, and has a contract with my husband’s office and is usually the one who comes to fix issues, although there are a couple other IT guys. My husband has made small chat with John but nothing past surface level.
My husband and I went out on a date night, and saw Amy and John. She waved us over and John recognized my husband. It seemed like their relationship was going to be great, and we were looking to having another friend couple, most of our friends are single.
We went on a double date and it went well, they seemed to like each other a lot. But Amy told me that he said he was divorced and that he said he wasn’t ready to talk about it. She felt like this was the big red flag she was missing, the other shoe dropping. I told my husband and he said he didn’t know any details.
A few days later my husband calls me at work. He told me that John came in, they were chatting a bit, and he noticed John was wearing a wedding ring. I said I had to tell Amy, he agreed.
She didn’t take it well. She had been building up anxiety about his past and his inability to talk about it, so she assumed (we all did) he must be lying and not divorced, but still married. She confronted him, and really flipped out. She gave him a verbal lashing that she definitely regrets, especially because we were wrong…
A couple years ago, John was married but she didn’t want children and she wanted to move far away. They decided that they weren’t compatible even though they loved each other. They filed for divorce and then a few days later, she was killed by a drunk driver.
The divorce wasn’t finalized so John was responsible for the estate and funeral and organ donation. He did what she would’ve wanted, and tried to grieve but felt guilty because they were in the process of getting divorced. So he didn’t consider himself a widower.
Because she had blown up instead of asking him, he said he needed space and ended up blocking her. She felt justified because he wouldn’t tell her but wearing his ring meant he wasn’t over it. But now she’s upset and has been very awkward towards me and my husband. We feel guilty for meddling.
Here were the top rated coomments from readers:
zerodius
I think your friend totally flipping out is the main problem, though she may feel mad about the intel you passed on.
sonic_couth
Yeah, the flipping out part makes me wonder if that isn’t part of how she attracts toxic people.
The OP responded here:
SourSkittlezx
It’s definitely a cycle. Shes very sensitive because Losing her husband and then the next couple of relationships being toxic and borderline abusive… I have told her she needs to go back to therapy, she’s not healing.
But I do think she is partially justified in being upset. They have been dating for months now, he should have been honest. He was wearing the ring only at work. She has her own ring on a chain she always wears. Because he was only wearing it at work, that really looks shady and he wouldn’t tell her anything besides he was divorced until she blew up.
Professional-Sir151
Sounds like your friend ruined it perfectly well for herself, you just gave her the info.
LankyGuitar6528
Two FUps...
FU #1: John was absolutely not ready to date.
FU #2: friend - freaking out rather than opening up a dialogue and asking him about the ring
So? Where's your FU? I don't see it.
The OP responded here again:
SourSkittlezx
Just by getting involved I guess.