'My husband doesn't see how his 'work wife' is trying to destroy our marriage.' AITA? UPDATED 3X
"My husband doesn't see how his 'work wife' is trying to destroy our marriage."
I (31F) am at my wit's end with my husband's (32M) coworker Sarah (30F), and his complete inability to see what's happening. I'm not usually one for reddit, but I need to know if I'm going crazy here.
Where do I even start? Three years ago, my husband Mark started working with Sarah. At first, I tried to be welcoming. I invited her to our BBQs, included her in group outings, and genuinely tried to be friendly. Big mistake.
She spent the entire time making backhanded comments about everything from my career ("Oh, you're just a yoga instructor? How... peaceful.") to my cooking ("I guess not everyone can master basic seasoning.").
The real problem is that Mark thinks she's "just being funny." Last month, she literally threw away the anniversary mug I gave him because it "clashed with the office aesthetic." When I got upset, Mark said I was being too sensitive and that "Sarah just has high standards for office decor." IT WAS A MUG WITH OUR WEDDING PHOTO ON IT.
Some greatest hits from Sarah: She scheduled a "mandatory" work dinner on our anniversary. She convinced Mark not to take a promotion because it would mean working with a different team. She posts daily photos of them together with hashtags like #WorkPowerCouple and #WorkSpouse.
She tells everyone at their office that she "takes better care of him than I do". She changed his coffee order and now tells everyone she "trained him right". The worst part? My husband is completely blind to all of this.
Yesterday, he actually told me about how Sarah said our new house (which we spent months searching for) was "charming, in a starter home kind of way." He repeated this while LAUGHING.
I tried talking to him about it, but Sarah has convinced him I'm "just insecure." She's managed to insert herself into every aspect of our lives. They text constantly - even on weekends. She knows his schedule better than I do. She rearranged his entire desk and office wardrobe because his style was "too suburban husband." THAT'S WHAT HE IS!
Last week, I suggested marriage counseling. He looked genuinely confused. He of course went and talked to Sarah about it I found out from another coworker that she's been telling people that Mark and I are "going through a rough patch" and that she's "just being a good friend by giving him someone to talk to." We weren't going through anything until she started this nonsense!
The breaking point? I stopped by his office to surprise him with lunch (I know, I know, but it was his birthday and Sarah was supposedly out sick). Guess who was there? Sarah.
She'd "miraculously recovered" and bought him a cake that said "To my work hubby" with a photo of them from the office holiday party. She saw me and said, "Oh, Amy! You came too... how nice. Mark, you didn't tell me your real wife was coming!"
I'm not crazy, right? This woman is trying to destroy my marriage while my husband stands there grinning like it's all some big joke. What do I do? Divorce seems extreme, but I'm running out of options here.
I should have stated that the promotion wasn't one that would increase his salary but his title. It would give him more leadership experience. It still blows my mind that he turned it down just so he could stay on the same team as her.
I should have told the mug story in its entirety. She "accidentally" broke the mug. I noticed it was gone when I was visiting him one day and I asked him about it. He said she accidentally knocked it over and then later he repeated a "joke"she made about how it didn't fit the office aesthetic.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Sarah would not be able to sabotage your marriage if your husband wasn't allowing it.
Exactly. There is always going to be women like this out there. It’s how your husband reacts that is the problem. His blatant and constant disrespect is totally unacceptable & the fact that he’s ignoring your feelings on this means you need to now make him see how serious you are. If you don’t change up how you’re reacting & show him you mean business, he’s not changing at this point.
He’s not blind. That is his mistress, and she has been for years, even before he introduced you. Covertly start your investigation. Get your ducks in a row and blindside him. She threw out a mug with your wedding photo because she’s his mistress and she didn’t want to see it.
She scheduled a “work” dinner for your anniversary because she wants him to show her that she matters to him more than his wife. She insults you to your face and he says nothing because he enjoys her jealousy, it’s part of their foreplay. He is having and has been having an affair. Your unknowing humiliation is part of it.
Three days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi! I (31 F) posted a few days ago. I really didn't expect my post to blow up the way it did. I got so overwhelmed by all the comments that I haven't responded to any. I want to address everyone who says it's fake - I understand why you think that, but this is my personal hell.
I only listen to Reddit stories on TikTok, but when this reached its boiling point, I just needed a place to talk. So I made an account and tried to yell into the void. Well, the void turned out to be less empty than I thought!
Now, to why everyone is here - the update: Before I talked to my husband (32M), I decided to do some investigation. I started with his phone and read all the messages between him and Sarah.
She bad-mouthed me a few times (he did nothing to defend me but didn't engage either). She was flirty; he wasn't really flirty back. They talked a lot, and he praised her frequently for her work ethic and intelligence.
I didn't see anything about cheating. I checked his email - nothing. I checked his work email - nothing. I looked through our other devices - nothing. I searched high and low for a second phone - nothing. Everything I found was always dancing that line. Nothing was outright cheating, but here are the things I found that did hurt my feelings:
He has lunch with her, and only her, every day in the office. They don't really like anyone else, so they'll criticize others and say, "Let's talk more at lunch, they're serving xyz today."
He'd say things like "I'm sure if you were a wife, you would xyz." He always kept it as "a wife" and not "my wife," but it still upset me. She admitted to breaking the mug on purpose. He didn't get upset with her, just said, "Yeah, the photo gifts are kind of corny."
I confronted him. I laid it all out, and while he wasn't upset, he did try to brush things off. He said I was being sensitive and overreacting. I told him if we didn't have a real conversation about this, I would file for divorce. That got his attention, and he sat down with me.
He admitted that at first, he found it odd that Sarah was trying so hard - he saw her trying hard with all the men in the office. The more attention she gave him, the more he enjoyed it, and the more he responded, the more attention she gave, until she just had her sights on him.
He knew some of the other men were envious, and he liked that too. He admitted that eventually, he just got too deep. He said he knew it was wrong but had gotten addicted to the attention and didn't want her to move on to another man.
So he indulged her sometimes at my expense. He said it was just nice to have two women in the two major parts of his life, stating that he knew we'd rarely see one another, so what was the harm? He reiterated that he never EVER physically cheated with her but admitted it could be called an emotional affair.
It was painful, I won't hide that. I mean REALLY painful - like I wasn't enough. I told him from this point on, he needed to stop communicating with Sarah and ask to be transferred or switch jobs altogether. Now folks, I mean it when I tell you this:
He. Lost. His. MIND.
He began raising his voice, saying things like he never cheated, it was all above board, and I couldn't control who he talked with at work. He called me a narcissist and a control freak.
He told me I had no idea how hard it was, how much stress he had in the office, and that his personal relationship with Sarah helps a lot - taking it away would just damage his mental health. It got so bad that I started crying.
I couldn't take it anymore and decided to leave. I packed a small bag and called my MIL - she's the only family I have here. I gave her a rundown of what was going on, and she offered her home to me. I'm staying here and just hoping my husband calms down so we can revisit this. I want to work it out; I love him more than anything.
I will try harder to answer comments on this post, and I will definitely update if something new happens. This has been really therapeutic and makes me feel less alone.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
How dare his wife have the nerve to get in the way of his cheating!
Welp, I kind of figured he wasn’t that clueless. This is a full blown emotional affair. From experience, things will only escalate they are in bed together. Protect your peace, because he sure doesn’t give a damn about your feelings. Stay strong.
Typical emotional affair response. He doesn’t want it to change and he is mad that you are holding him to his marriage vows. Emotional affairs are always a slippery slope. Most of the time they end up a physical affair.
He is damaging is marriage and he is so selfish. He is justifying his actions and turning it around on you so it will relieve his shame and guilt. Read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It’s an eye opener.
An Emotional Affair is still an Affair...
He just doesn't want to admit that he is having an affair.....
Him getting so upset about you giving him a valid request after he admitted to an emotional affair is a massive red flag. He clearly does not want to cut this women off and who knows what they talk about during lunch. Or even what they do during lunch.
Honestly I think divorce might be your best bet, she will loose interest in him once he isn’t taken anymore and he will realize he blew. Up his life for nothing. Honestly based on his reaction I think more is going on than what he admitted too.
Two days later, the OP returned with another update.
Well, I'm back! First, I want to address some of the negative comments. To all the people saying they're "team Sarah" and hoping Sarah and my husband get together – I even saw a nasty comment saying Sarah and my husband would be "the office power couple" – how can you sit here and say nothing's going on?
You claim my husband didn't cheat and I'm being crazy, yet in the same breath wish they would get together? You're contradicting yourself because deep down you know something romantic was developing. Now for the update.
My husband came to my MIL's house (she didn't call him). He knew I was there because I told him, and he said he wanted to talk. Some big things happened in such a short time.
He wanted to explain. According to my husband, after I left, he started to reflect, he did call his mom and they had a long talk (I didn't know any of this) She asked him if he was happy with me and he said yes but I made him extremely happy. I was a good wife and a great partner.
This is kind of what it all sunk into him that he was being juvenile for wanting attention from another woman. I did ask him why he always brushed things off and never took action before.
He said He couldn't explain it – it just felt good. He assured me he never wanted to sleep with her and never advanced things that way. It was just nice having someone around who was fawning over him, like a fan.
For those who said he didn't know what an emotional affair was and was just agreeing with me – you were right. He admitted he didn't really understand what an emotional affair was, but after looking it up, he agreed that's what it was, though unintentional.
He said he didn't want to lose his friend, so he just went along with a lot of what she did. He admitted he was deep into a fog but me leaving And this conversation with his mom was the one thing that brought him out of it.
He said he didn't want to fight. My husband is big on giving me my space so when I left he didn't chase after me because he thought it would be best for us to just cool down and think about this and hopefully come back and discuss it more rationally.
He did reach out to Sarah. Though they didn't meet in person, they had a phone call. He told her they couldn't remain as close, that their out-of-office texts and calls needed to stop, that he would get a replacement mug she wasn't to touch, and that they needed to cut back on their lunches. He wanted to handle this before talking to me, to show he was serious.
Sarah didn't take it well. She started berating me, saying I was forcing him to do this. My husband stopped her and said no – he was doing this because his marriage was important. He admitted letting things go too far but clarified he had no romantic interest in her. He told her if she had feelings for him, she needed to distance herself immediately.
Sarah ended up ruining their friendship herself. Though my husband was willing to maintain a more distant friendship, her comments about me and him, claiming she'd never want him and that everything she did was because she knew we weren't meant to be together, and she was trying to open his eyes.
He said he couldn't believe he'd never seen how vindictive and awful she was – she was almost venomous. It didn't end well. After handling that situation, he came to see me, wanting to ensure I knew he understood and was taking the proper steps. He said we could do whatever I needed.
I know some of you will say I'm wrong, that divorce is the only option because he had an emotional affair. I'm sorry to disappoint, but I'm not divorcing my husband. I told him we needed counseling for both of us.
Yes, going through all his devices, emails, and texts might have been extreme – he agreed it felt like a breach of privacy but understood given the circumstances. I told him we both needed to work on things.
As of right now, I guess you could say that we're separated. We're not staying in the same house. We're going to attend counseling. I don't want to just jump back into things with him.
I don't want it to seem like it was okay to make me feel like I was the second option to ignore all those red flags and to brush me off. This has to be worked on. I'm leaving his mother's house and staying with a friend.
I'm not sure if anyone's going to want an update after this. Sorry it's so anticlimactic sorry it's the typical. Oh you just got back together. I mean it is but it isn't. I love my husband.
I know he loves me. I don't think everything is an end-all be-all yes, it's a terrible situation. Yes he did a terrible thing but I want my marriage to last so we're giving it another go. I genuinely hope this is my last update, but if it's not, Y'all will know. Thank you for all the messages. All the support everything it really has been a huge help.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Honestly, this was the update I was hoping for! I'm happy he recognized it and that you two are working for your marriage! All the best and I hope your marriage is stronger after this episode.
Same, so pleased the scales have fallen and he's seen what an out and out b-word Sarah is. But more than that I'm really happy that although he didn't see it as an 'affair' he now understands that she did, and she was using his time spent with her at work to purposely undermining your marriage.
Best of luck to you and your Husband for the future, hopefully you will come out of this that much stronger. I really hope Karma is swift and vengeful to Sarah, people who try and f#ck around with others joy are the lowest form of humanity!
Glad to hear that the fog is lifting. I hope he sticks to his word and distances himself from Sarah. I would even involve HR to let them know what is going on in case she gets vindictive and tries to cause trouble at work. I'm happy to hear that you're proceeding cautiously; I hope everything goes well for you in the end.
Four days later, the OP returned with their final update.
Hi reddit, We are continuing our work wife saga. As a lot of you predicted in my last update, Sarah wasn’t happy about my husband ending their friendship and trying to put a distance between him and her.
I seriously thought she was going to reach out to me but she never did why? Because this was never about me. I was not even on her radar except for somebody to tear down.
I will give Sarah one thing. She is extremely efficient. She started her campaign long before Monday morning. Over the weekend she reached out to several of my husband’s co-workers, (mostly male.)
She told them that my husband had randomly stop being friends with her and she suspected it was my fault. She said she couldn’t believe it. Everyone knew how close they were. She just felt bad for him.
Wanted to be a friend for him and hopefully he help him out of our terrible marriage. She went on and on about how she couldn’t believe how much this is going to affect her during her working hours that she didn’t know if she can continue working at this job. One of the female workers at my husband’s job messaged me all of this.
As a lot of you predicted, she is gearing up to accuse my husband of sexual harassment. Monday alone she has put herself In the path of my husband multiple times. It kind of feels like she’s setting up to do and he said she said argument because she’s doing a lot of odd things at least according to my husband.
Think stuff like intentionally following my husband into a room or a section of the office that is somewhat closed off, accidentally emailing him or forwarding him things, going to his cubicle multiple times day for no reason, sitting close to him in meetings. It seems harmless but really it feels like she’s gearing up For something.
My husband did go to HR first thing Monday morning and like I kind of thought they pretty much said they can’t do anything unless it affects work or working hours. (His HR is not the greatest) He did let them know what she was doing today but honestly I don’t think they took him seriously.
We’ve been thinking about moving. The only thing that keeps us here is really his mom. So he might just transfer jobs? We’re not really sure. I hope things don’t escalate anymore and since he went to HR already, I’m hoping that nothing big happens.
I’d like to give a little update about our counseling. To all the people who tell me that I’m making a mistake by giving my husband another chance and trying to work it out. I am so happy I don’t listen to you. I understand it was a terrible situation. I lived through it. I know it is. I know how it felt.
But counseling has revealed a lot about my husband that I didn’t even know. Apparently he was bullied severely in high school and he kind of went through a little glow up when he went into college.
Sarah is definitely one of those stereotypical blonde pretty girls and my husband admits that it did kind of feel like he finally got his chance to be “popular” In a social setting. My husband admitted that Sarah basically mirrored everything about him.
His likes his dislikes. She talked to him like he walked on water. It definitely sounded like she was boosting his ego In a manipulative fashion. Like I said I understand this isn’t just a forgive and move on kind of situation but hearing my husband talk about it how it felt the way it affected him.
It made me have a lot more sympathy for him. I still haven’t come back home but we’re doing it one day at a time. I went and had lunch with him on Monday and I’m going again today.
I’m trying to be there for him so he doesn’t feel alone. I’m really ready for all this to die down. I’m hoping it doesn’t get taken farther at work but if it does we’ll deal with it.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final update:
OP, Your husband should be documenting EVERYTHING, IN WRITING. AS IT OCCURS. And then, provide it to management. In addition, a consultation and possible engagement of a seasoned labor law/employment attorney.
Yep you might think when he moves jobs its going to be the end of it but i guarantee she will call his new job about it also.
The only thing I want from my coworkers is for them to email me back in time. Don’t sh*^ where you eat, affairs both physical and emotional at your job will certainly make you have to move workplaces. I can’t imagine my spouse having an emotional affair at work and not quitting after starting reconciliation.