Woman asks for advice after finding out 'dream husband' has been cheating for 3 years.
"His mistress made him a better husband. I feel nauseous."
This is a throwaway. I’m just nauseous and want to vent please let me do it here?
Everything changed about 3 years ago and my husband became my dream man. Before that, we suffered a lot in our marriage. After 2 hard pregnancies and PPD my libido was diminished and we fought all the time. After 4 years of dead bedroom we started therapy. I thought that was where the improvement came from.
My husband started paying attention to me. In the beginning I was panicking because whenever he paid me attention before he expected s&x but now it felt like he was seeing me as a human being for the first time. He was attentive and caring. Emphatic. He touched and cuddled and kissed me out of the blue, without wanting s8x in return.
He started helping around the house, bringing me flowers, take out dinners when I work late, planning date nights. Anniversaries, birthdays and holidays are planned perfectly and I started getting the most beautiful and thoughtful gifts. When we fought, he would come the next day and admitted his wrongs and very accurately (if he was the one in the wrong) something he never did before.
He would apologize too when back in the days him apologizing would be a blow to his ego. He said he was happy all the time and lucky to have us as his family. Everything was better and I even got my libido back if not as high as I hoped.
I found their conversation about 5 days ago and I have probably spent over 50 hours reading them. 3 years worth of conversation. He would tell her his woes and she would listen. 99 out of 100 times she sided with me. She taught him about intimacy and how important it is in marriages.
The tragically funny part is that he never got angry or offended by her telling him off. Calling him silly, stubborn or at times man baby. Her honesty was brutal and yet he agreed with her. She was the one suggesting all the changes and he would ask her for advice about gifts, traveling and all the beautiful things he did for our family.
He thanks her all the time for helping him turn his miserable home life around, making it tolerable. With all these texts there were the texts between them that are about them like nobody else existed around them. The flirting, s3xtalk and pictures. The longing to see each other.
He says she is the love of his life every day and that he wishes their circumstances were different. She says the same. They both agree that divorce would ruin their families and that they couldn’t be that selfish. how admirable!
I feel nauseous. My happiness for the past three years was fake. I don’t know what to do. I want to hurt them. I want to expose them and I want to ruin whatever they think is perfect happiness
Hi! I’m getting chat requests about my comments not being visible. Is this normal? I’m trying to answer you guys. Sorry
Hi again. Since I can’t comment and I can’t answer all the chats I will answer here:
I am 35. My husband is 39 we have two children 9&7
She is 40 and she has one child 14. She is in a dead bedroom with her husband too and for 14 years.
The affair is physical too yes but they meet maybe once every month or every other month. She tells my husband that what they feel is probably limerence but that they don’t know it yet because they meet so little. She lives in another city
Questions, answers and advice for OP:
KamakaziGhandi asks:
Just curious, how do you not notice your man’s doing all this for 3 years?
Wide-Area-6779 OP responded:
I trusted him. I never look i to his things. He changed his phone and thought he deleted the old one. He didn’t and I looked just out of curiosity.
TermAggravating8043 asks:
What I’m not understanding here, is why he’s improving his relationship with you? Why not just separate?
Wide-Area-6779 OP responded:
I don’t know why he is improving his relationship with me. She usually tells him that we should find happiness in situations we cannot change. Maybe that’s why? I want to understand myself.
He doesn’t want divorce because it would mean lowering the standard of living for both of us from two income household. He doesn’t want the children to live between two small shitty apartments (his words). Also his mistress doesn’t live here so it’s not like he could be with her anyway since he can’t just move if we share custody.
crusodated suggests:
If you want to ruin their life, here is somebody's post that made a plan and succeded: Fooled my cheating STBXW into thinking i was cheating, then Thermo-Nuclear Shinobi Ghosted. I'm not telling you to do it, but u can take inspiration from it
Wide-Area-6779 OP responded:
My husband wouldn’t mind me cheating. As a matter of fact, he thinks it would be great if I would agree to stay married and have a lover or something. They have discussed this. What he would mind is if his mistress slept with others.
whatnow2202 thinks:
Her husband deserves to know.
Wide-Area-6779 OP says:
Is there a way to send him the texts without screenshot? Because I can’t send him screenshots of tens of thousands of texts in screenshots. And I don’t know how to save these texts.
HumanityIsBizarre says:
Do it, he may have improved on all his issues but it wasn’t because he wanted to do it for or because of you, it was all for her. He still wants her and imagines her. Blow both their lives away.
Wide-Area-6779 OP responded:
Yes he does it for her. I just don’t understand why she wanted him to become a better husband and have a better marriage because it is. Our marriage is better and he admits it to her and thanks her for it. God I feel sick and confused and sick.
eversince94 gets the final word:
Send her flowers and a thank you note. Send him divorce papers. Send her husband their texts.