'My husband planned an affair on the trip I paid for.' UPDATED
"My (33F) husband (36M) planned an affair on the trip I paid for."
I'm 32F and my husband is 36M, we've been married 2 years and together 9. And up until yesterday, I thought we were genuinely happy together. A bit of context. We have this thing where I change my name to random things on his phone every few months. They're always funny and well over the top - the last one was something like 'perfect human form' - its just a joke that's gone on for a few years.
So, yesterday, he was in the shower and his work phone was out, so I changed my name in his contacts. As i did so, notification for Snapchat came through with an image and the name of a woman he knew back home (he's from another country and moved here (UK) around 10 years ago).
As this was his work phone, it was really weird, so I clicked on it. It opened into a 5-day streak chat with this woman, with seriously crude texts, photos of both of them (not the face!) and them planning to meet up when he goes back (dates, times, locations and everything - she was even planning on taking a sick day from work).
One of his pics was in our bed, with me in the house. He is booked to go back for a few weeks end of Nov to see a very sick relative - i paid for his flights so he could see them before they passed. I had a panic attack and he walked out the shower to see me hyperventilating. I asked him why and how could he.
He said it was only talking and that he'd been feeling neglected recently. I asked how, he said work was stressful and that he just wanted someone who "wanted him for him" and that he doesnt feel like hes ever enough for me. I had no idea. He hasn't mentioned anything and nothing has changed.
A few years ago (I think 3-4/when we first moved into our house), he shared that he sometimes didn't feel enough for me. We went to counselling, and worked through it, a major effort was made on both of our sides to get through it and i thought we had.
The thing is, I know I can be hard work. Im closer to 'type-a' than 'type-b', im pretty successful career wise, and not massively touchy-feely. But im not closed off and have never given a shit about his job or anything like that - i even supported him for 2 years when he took a career break to try and become an actor.
FFS, he hasn't even paid towards the mortgage in 4 years as I didn't want him to feel dependent on me/stretch his pay too thin. I don't why im posting or what I expect from this. I just don't know what to do. Ive kicked him out for now, but there are major logistics to deal with as I work away and we have 2 dogs.
How do I navigate this? I absolutely consider this as cheating, how can I make sure I don't let myself forgive him? He's been my life for almost 10 years, I've supported him in every way, can I end it for a week of messages? How can I not end it after that?
Sorry for all the questions and I know this post will sit unanswered in the millions of other 'im so surprised he cheated stories', but within 24 hours my happy, hard earned life is in flames and im staring at the wreckage.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Hmm…. I would cancel his flight ticket for sure. He is feeling down but not doing anything about it. He is planning to [ ] k someone else because his ego was stroked. What about your love and devotion? Yeah…. is difficult but you can do it. And even if you don’t divorce him, think about the fact that he actually needs to prove that he is sorry about what he did and not because he was caught.
If there is no explanation the trust will not go back to what it was. It happened to me with my husband. Even now after 7 years I don’t know why he cheated. I don’t trust him and we regularly argue about anything.
I’d cancel the return flight.
Are you really asking for advice? How could you possibly stay with someone that cared about you so little that he’s actively making plans to cheat on you?
You deserve better, know your worth
He’s an a%$ and doesn’t deserve you. Good for you for kicking him out. It was never your job to make him feel like he’s enough. You can’t make him something he’s not. You’ve been twisting yourself into a pretzel to cater to his feelings without taking your own into consideration. Love yourself and move on. Don’t waste another 10 years with someone who’s probably already cheated.
About 5 weeks later OP posted this update:
To start it off, many of you said that he'd been cheating for longer or had done so before...you were right. I originally believed that he'd been cheating for a week, but due to a particularly noticeable carpet in the hotel room one of the pics were taken in, I found out it had been going on for at least a month.
He of course denied it and lied when confronted, but that month included our 9 year anniversary and countless other events, so it was really, really useful to stop me blaming myself. He's still adamant that it's never happened before, and I do believe him, but that didn't stop me from taking an STI test just incase (all clean thank goodness).
He also admitted to lying about them having a previous relationship and I caught him in another lie about Snapchat messages, so he stayed true to form.
Since I kicked him out, we've only spoken twice, he left the dogs (so I guess they're my dogs now) and wants a percentage of my house. I can't speak for other countries, but in the UK, marriage for enough years entitles you to half of everything, regardless of who contributed what.
Under advice from a lawyer, we're staying amicable so he only takes the agreed amount and leaves my pension, savings etc alone. On the dogs, I've got a load more dogsitters and I've agreed to let them stay with him while I'm away with work as long as he covers most of their costs.
Outside of this I did the usual. Changed the locks, cancelled his flights, threw out his all stuff on bin day, and had a full-blown breakdown as a crying drunk for a solid 7 days. I have great friends who are supportive, but he's the only family I have/had, so have started seeing a therapist as well to help process and move forward.
Im taking this as an opportunity for a full reset and evaluation of what i want. So I'm trying to move jobs, sell my house to move closer to friends and getting a load of dental work that I've been putting off. Throw in some injured dogs and it's turned out to be a truly horrific month. Honestly, it's really sucked, but I'm re-building my life to be something I choose and it's getting easier week by week.
Thank you all so, so much for your help and comments when I first posted. Seeing the overwhelming support and brutal comments (against both him and me), put it into perspective and was enough to convince me that I wasn't crazy or overthinking this. I'm massively grateful for the dose of reality.
And don't worry - to all of you who called me a doormat (thanks for that), I won't be taking him back or allowing anyone else to take advantage of me like that again.
May the force be with you random strangers, and thank you again.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
You are actively doing something many people are incapable of…throwing a big ol’ middle finger to the “sunken cost fallacy” & restarting your life with the mission to seek out that which you deserve: peace, kindness, & loyalty. And for that, I applaud you.
You’re a bada&^ OP, & I’ll be right over here in this tiny corner of the internet cheering you on. 💃
Don't let him have the dogs part-time even. He can just keep them and you might have no recourse. Use another option when you're away for work. Separate your lives completely and be your dogs' clear, 100% owner.
I’m so curious, how has this been for him and how did he react? Was he sad? Trying to make it right? Heartbroken? Without remorse?
Throwra_whattf OP:
Very, very sad. He spent the first few weeks feeling really sorry for himself and "in shock". He's stopped blaming anything except himself (I think due to the therapist) and going down the route of saying it was self sabotage/depression and he needs to work on himself for a bit.
This may all be very true, and tbh, I kinda think it is. But he hasn't tried to reconcile or even made much of an effort to fight. No begging to chat or turning up, no suggestion of couples counselling etc. He just kinda, rolled over and been licking his wounds.
Can he still get half the house even though he hasn't contributed anything in four years?
Throwra_whattf OP:
Yeah. Its a law I generally agree with to protect stay at home parents. Apparently the law doesnt differentiate between that and someone who wanted to try acting 🫠.
Damn, you handled a whole life explosion like a champ. He nuked the relationship and you still walked out with the dogs, a plan, and your sanity. That’s a win. Keep rebuilding — you’re leveling up, he’s just trying to cash out. Keep going, you got this