Unexpected call from investigator leads wife to discover husband’s affair. UPDATED 2X
"I've been informed by a solicitor that my husband is having an affair."
anoncheatedthrowra
Yesterday morning I was contacted by a solicitor. I was confused because I don't have any need for one for anything. She told me that her client is seeking a divorce from his wife due to the wife having an affair.
Their investigator found the affair is with my husband and the client asked the solicitor to inform me since my husband is married. She provided me with proof of the affair. My brother-in-law is to be married on Saturday. My husband is the best man and is already there to assist with everything.
Me and my 5 month-old daughter were supposed to leave on Friday morning to join them. My husband is unaware that I know. I am shocked but the proof is right in front of my eyes.
I haven't told anyone but I have asked me sister to come over after work. I'm going to ask if my daughter and me can stay with her. I don't think I can face him at the wedding. I don't want to hear excuses.
My sister's husband is a solicitor and while he does not do divorces I'll ask if he can recommend someone. I have to talk to my sister but I'm mostly just getting my thoughts out on here because I feel entirely scattered.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's initial post:
Thisismyswamparg
You sound like a smart lady. Get a place to stay with your child, get your ducks in a row and leave him. Im so sorry youre going through this <3
stoicsticks
Plus, be sure to take any important documents with you, birth certificates, social insurance card, passports, etc and anything especially sentimental that would be hard to replace. Open a bank account at a different bank and move some money over.
cmille3
I am so sorry. That is an awful situation.
Mission_Definition_1
OP’s husband is terrible. The fact that he can help someone (BIL) with their wedding while cheating on his wife is telling of his moral compass.
Ms_PlapPlap
I’m so sorry :( I’d make sure he can’t cut you off from any shared accounts or anything…if his affair partner is about to be served with divorce papers, chances are she’ll give him a heads up and ruin any advantage you may have for knowing of his affair while he doesn’t know you know.
Almost a month later, the OP returned with an update.
anoncheatedthrowra
I told my husband I had been exposed to covid and could not attend the wedding. My sister helped pack and she is letting me and my daughter stay with her until I find a flat. (Someone I work with has a family member who has one up that I can afford that's available in January.)
When my husband returned home on the Monday there was a note telling him I knew about the affair. The husband of the other woman was going to be filing for divorce later that week and I would not be far behind.
My sister's husband is a solicitor and he recommended a divorce solicitor to me. My husband and I both have jobs. We don't own a home. At the advice of my solicitor I opened a new bank account for myself but I did not touch any of our joint accounts.
I'm not stopping my husband from seeing our daughter and my solicitor said the law will favour sharing of custody. Unless it is about our daughter I told my husband to have his solicitor talk to mine. I won't discuss anything else with him.
Once we have been separated for 2 years we can get a divorce. My solictor said there is no way to shorten the time requirement. Thank you everyone who showed me kindness.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's first update:
lynypixie
I can’t imagine being legally tied to your ex for 2 years.
I am very sorry for you, OP.
witchyteajunkie
How awful. You’re doing the right thing though. What was his reaction? You will get through this and will meet someone that deserves you.
anoncheatedthrowra (OP)
I've held firm on not talking about anything with him unless it is related to our daughter.
WRose287
I am so sorry this happened. Hope everything goes well and if he does try to get you back, think about it thoroughly because I've seen way too many people do it and regret it. UpdateMe! Please.
Two years later, the OP returned with a final update.
anoncheatedthrowra
The update is that I am now divorced. I live in Ireland. It is a requirement that couples live apart for 2 years before they can be divorce. There are no exceptions under the law to this. (It used to be 4 years, and up until 1998 divorce was not legal in Ireland at all).
My daughter and I lived with my sister for almost 3 months before I moved us into our own flat. My husband and I did not own any property and I legally had no authority to ask him to leave the flat we had while we were married. So I left instead.
On the advice of my solicitor I opened my own bank account and left our jointly owned accounts alone to be settled in the divorce. While we were living apart my husband and I used an app to communicate about our daughter and everything else was through our solicitors.
I haven't talked to him about the affair, I haven't talked to his family or friends and I don't have social media. My husband carried on seeing the other woman for several months after I moved out so I'm sure everyone knows he had an affair but that isn't my problem now.
The only thing I talk with him about is our daughter and anything relating to her. We have joint custody and I will pay him maintenance. Fault is not considered in a divorce and an affair doesn't affect custody.
I do not have to pay maintenance to my husband for himself since he is already living with another woman (not the one he had an affair with) and plans to marry her right away now that we are divorced.
If he had been living on his own and not about to get married I would have had to pay him maintenance. I have never met the woman he had an affair with, or her husband or their children.
My focus is on my daughter and I am civil with her father for her sake. But I don't care about looking on social media or talking to him about the affair. I have never talked to him about it and never will. I only care about my daughter.
Apologies if my update isn't exciting. I am divorced, there is no drama and I know that's usually not exciting but some people have been messaging asking for an update and I wanted to say thank you to all the lovely people who offered me support during a terrible time.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:
Camp808
actually for a boring/non exciting update, it’s basically a very good outcome. he’s someone else’s problem now & not having to pay him maintenance above all else is absolutely huge. congratulations, op! i hope you continue to heal & surrounded by folks who love you and your daughter.
charliesownchaos
Going through all that with a 5 month old must have been gut-wrenching.
ImaRedTrenchCoat
I have no clue how OOP found the strength to not scream into the abyss when she found out that she had to pay her ex husband alimony when he was the one who cheated on her. It is absurd that cheating wasn’t taken into consideration in the divorce.
tacwombat
Boring updates are good updates. And the commenter is right: ex is going to be someone else's headache now.
Stunning_Strength522
I think it was actually pretty exciting, in the sense that it is both exciting and distressingly rare to see women treat themselves well and detach themselves from terrible men without giving those men any undue headspace.