My MIL lives less than 10 minutes down the road from me. At first I was so happy. She and my eldest son had a great bond. She would have him over to spend the night once every few months. I had twin newborns at home, once they got older she would take one kid at a time to do activities about once a month or so. I thought she was doing what she could to help me. I was grateful.
Then my SIL had a baby. My kids only exist on holidays now. All of a sudden my MIL is over at my SIL's house cleaning, gardening, babysitting if her daughter wants to do literally anything. She's cooking for them, bringing them treats and inviting them over to have pizza and movie nights.
My SIL works, I'm a stay at home homeschooling mom and I run a small business. I watched my nephew and then niece once she was born from said SIL during the shift overlap of my SIL and BIL. (Until I asked to get paid, then I was 'fired'.)
My MIL started to get Thursdays off at her work, so she invited my SIL over from the moment she wakes up to spend the whole day over there as free babysitting. She gets to nap and she gets to eat lunch and dinner there and gets a lunch packed for her night shift job. They call it Grandma Day.
After four years my now four kids are wondering why only their cousins get Grandma Day. My husband and I talked, it really bothers him that his mother treats his sister like a princess, but treats him like he only exists if he can do something for her. We agreed to give her one last chance and to spread it all out for her to see our side.
(We've tried before, but she always changes the conversation) We tell her about the kid's asking about having a Grandma Day. She looks aghast and says she has no more time to give. I said I'm not asking for an additional day, but that my kids love her and we could go every other week and take turns.
She shuts me down right away. She says she's probably not going to do Grandma Day anyway as she's getting too busy. (This was Easter, not one Grandma Day has been missed except for vacation, which she went with them and babysat) She was disgusted I asked, but I don't think it's fair to my kids.
I'm not asking even half of what she's freely offering to my SIL. I feel like she's punishing me and my kids for me being a stay at home mom. My choice, my consequence. But my sister-in-law works. Shouldn't that be her choice her consequence? Now they (My MIL, her two daughters and my BIL) are all treating us like we were the AH for asking.
NTA for asking, and now you have your answer. As a grandchild who was thrown away when the daughter’s kids came back, please do your kids a favor and start pulling them away.
Seeing your cousins get all sorts of attention while you sit wondering why is a sad way to spend your childhood. Find an adopt a grandparent program locally and sign up. My best memories were made with older people who were grandparents by choice.
Any chance you could move far, far away? Your kids know what's going on and will feel even more hurt the older they get. NTA.
Go NC when them. It’s a 1 sided relationship and your kids are being affected by this.
NTA. I would go NC with grandma and try and move far far away. It’s going to cause life long issues for your kids wondering why grandma doesn’t love them. Always protect your kids at all costs.
Wow, it's been a while, and SO MUCH has happened. I'll try to give it a quick breakdown.
1. I stopped posting hardly anything on social media because my SIL's would text or call my husband within a day of my posting reading into things saying I was trashing his mother/them.
I wasn't; I couldn't even post about what we did as a family on the weekends. They knew my husband doesn't have social media and it felt like they were trying to turn him against me. Sorry guys, didn't work.
2, I was so stressed out my doctor believes it caused me to have a small stroke last year when their lies were at a peak. (I'm okay now, but it was scary at the time.)
3, Even though we knew it would be hard, when my husband's sister flew in from out of state, we spent a significant amount of time with his family so the kids could see their aunt. My therapist gave me several coping mechanisms to deal with them, mainly 'Gray Rocking.'*
*"Gray rocking, or the grey rock method, is a tactic some people use when dealing with abusive or manipulative behavior. It involves becoming as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that the other person loses interest." - Medical News Today
Which helped a lot. I was treated fairly nice by my MIL, starting a few days before my SIL flew in. She was on her best behavior, I'm guessing so that I would keep my mouth shut during the visit? My children had only seen her at most three times since the Easter conversation. No apology, no attempt to share "Grandma Day" with my children.
4, The visit was awful. My local SIL was so completely rude and unkind. The last day, when I got home, I got the kids doing something and I made it to my room and I broke down and cried. My husband, who had to work 3rd shift this whole time woke up and comforted me.
He didn't want to even go and say his goodbyes to his SIL that night because of their collective behavior. But, I told him that it was just one more piece of ammunition they would use against us, so we went.
5, About a month later, I wrote an unrelated caption on a picture about how healing hurts. Nothing personal, just how when you grow you see things a bit clearer and how it can hurt, but that it's worth it in the end. My husband's sister who lives far away started texting him and I the next day about how that's a slam against their mother.
I had never once ever said anything bad about my MIL to anyone ever. The most I ever did was post anonymously here on Reddit, or talk to my husband. So, guilty consciences read into it. My husband brought up how he agreed with my post, and that he felt the same way. She went nuclear.
That conversation ended their relationship. In this time they saw my Reddit page because I wasn't hiding anything and wanted her to know our side, seeing as she had only had heard one side. She still took MIL and SIL's side. Baffling, I know.
6, Thanksgiving is Canceled, lol! My husband gets a text from his Mom that she was canceling Thanksgiving. He called her bluff and said she didn't have to "cancel" just to hide the fact that she would still have her golden child and her family over.
We just wouldn't come. (We had a small family Thanksgiving, and our 14yo said it was his favorite Thanksgiving ever) We didn't attend Christmas either.
7, The smoke settles. Unbeknownst to me, my husband had gotten an opportunity to apply to a new job within the same company he works for. He had gotten several before, but he says this one just felt different. He comes home and rocks my world.
This job comes with moving several states away. Never once did I ever see him moving out of State, ever. This is the man that bought a plow truck just so he could plow his Mom and Sister's driveways.
This is the man who would let his BIL work on his sisters truck in his garage and park outside for up to a week all because they never ordered the part they knew they needed before they stated taking it apart. This is the man who chopped wood every single year for them, but we never had a wood burning stove.
8, He applied and got a great offer. We decided that we needed to visit the area before we made the decision. On our way out their his sister called screaming and yelling at him about moving.
(She's a bit controlling if you haven't picked that up by now. And she saw him slipping through her fingers.) The kids were in the vehicle with us and could hear everything, even though it wasn't on speakerphone and we were driving a loud diesel. My husband ended the call.
9, We loved the area. The kids said they didn't even want to go back "Home". My husband and I talked extensively about the pros and cons, never once did my in laws enter the equation. In the end I told him that it was his decision and that I would make it work no matter what he felt was right. He accepted, and we went home.
10, My husband told his mother the day after we got home. (She already knew from SIL, but he had to officially her her himself) Told her we had several months to get our house ready to sell and that he would like for her to visit us out there.
She said okay. Over the next few months she stopped over like three times for a few minutes at a time, because she was driving by and saw us out there. She dropped off our Christmas presents so that we could take them with us. Proving to my husband that she has never had any intention on ever coming to see and support him.
11, I am banned from SIL's house because this is all my fault. She then invited my whole household to my niece's birthday party except for me. This is the Niece (and nephew)I used to watch for free for three years until I asked to be paid and then was 'fired' (story on my page.)
My husband put the invitation on the fridge so that our kids could see how petty their Aunt was being. She had the audacity to text him for an RSVP and he told her that if I wasn't invited, then none of us were invited.
12. We list our house. SIL is pizzed that at the price husband informs me, thinking it's way too high. We sell it for even more, lol!
13. We have a going away party. MIL and SIL show up just to save face. It was so comical seeing them try to pretend they know anything about what we've been doing, or what our plans are.
People noticed and commented. The kids gave them quick hugs when they left. No tears were shed. My MIL has the audacity to hug my husband and say "You know I don't play favorites" as her goodbye. And we moved several states away and are SO Happy!
Amazing update, I'm glad you got away and can focus on your family!
Sometimes you don't take the trash out and instead you leave it behind. Moving hundreds of miles to get away from that much negativity, judgment, gaslighting, and toxicity is a good way to do that.
“I’m a stay at home homeschooling mom and I run a business” and me losing any interest immediately.
Sometimes you don't take the trash out, you just move out of the dump.
About a month later I wrote an unrelated caption on a picture about how healing hurts. Nothing personal just how when you grow you see things a bit clearer and how it can hurt, but that it's worth it in the end.
Kind of unrelated to the main story, but there are few things I hate more than vaguebooking (or whatever they call it now that people aren't using Facebook as much.)