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'AITA for yelling at my ex after she called her newborn her first child? We have a kid.'

'AITA for yelling at my ex after she called her newborn her first child? We have a kid.'

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"AITA for yelling at my ex-wife after she called her newborn son her first child, completely discarding our daughter?"

Humble57655

So, my ex-wife Anna and I divorced, but we were mostly good at co-parenting our daughter, who is now seven years old. When our daughter was two, I remarried to Barbara, and they developed a close bond.

Our daughter started calling Barbara "mom," which I found adorable. However, Anna didn't like this and demanded that I stop our daughter from calling Barbara "mom." I refused, as I believed it was our daughter's choice and something Anna would have to accept.

Anna tried to get our daughter to stop calling Barbara "mom," but when she realized it wasn't going to happen, she finally gave up. I was relieved that she stopped pushing the issue. Anna then remarried to Carl when our daughter was around six.

Carl, being a strict marine, wasn't as involved in playing the role of stepdad to my daughter as Barbara was, which was fine with me. Anna got pregnant at the beginning of the year, and she and Carl became consumed with preparing for their new arrival.

Anna distanced herself from our daughter, using excuses like needing to nest for her baby and attending parent classes with Carl since it was his first child.

Last September, Anna gave birth to a boy, which I knew was something she always wanted. However, after her son was born, she distanced herself even further from our daughter, claiming she needed to bond with her son.

Now, here's where the conflict arises. One day, Anna referred to her newborn son as her "first child," completely disregarding our daughter. This upset me greatly, and I ended up yelling at her. I felt that she was neglecting our daughter and prioritizing her new baby to an extreme extent.

Carl proceeded to yell back at me, saying don’t ever raise my voice at his wife, they left shortly after and Anna has since blocked me and is begin even more distant. It’s hurting Talia a lot. So, am I the a#ole for yelling at Anna in this situation?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

Willing-Rip-8761

NTA. Yelling is not solving the issue, but I understand where you're coming from. Since your daughter started to call your wife "mom" early on my guess is that your ex neglected your daughter already back then. Now with the birth of her son it's just out in the open.

The best thing you can do is getting full custody of your daughter to prevent further emotional damage. Cause one thing is already clear... it's not gonna get better.

OneTwoWee000

INFO?? So much detail missing from this story.

"Now, here's where the conflict arises. One day, Anna referred to her newborn son as her 'first child,'"

One day? Do you mean to say she and her husband were visiting your daughter with her newborn. In what context were these words said? For example, did she say her son is her “first child” with her husband? Because that would be correct. Context matters.

Extreme-Pair9318

INFO: Did she say "my first child" or "our first child"? You quoted "first child", but the pronoun before "first child" is important. While he is not her first child, he is THEIR first child, and it'd be appropriate to say "our first child". Based on your story, her husband was with her when she said this, and so I would think she said "our".

EDIT: I am skewing towards ESH because you're a grown adult who is yelling at a woman in public. I have not yelled at an adult in over a decade because I am grown, and you shouldn't be either.

If you were actually interested in improving the relationship between your ex and your daughter, that would be a mature conversation to have- not yelling at her in front of her husband. You are contributing to the family dysfunction, not resolving it.

Expensive_Pain_5987

I’m going to say YTA because I think this started when your daughter started calling her stepmom “Mom.” You allowed it. Heck, you encouraged it. I think this made your ex feel replaceable.

Your ex’s actions now are harsh but this has been building. You helped build this bonfire of a situation and now want to claim she’s at fault. Your whole family needs counseling.

BrianAneurysm

ESH. You admit you actively encouraged your daughter to call your new wife "mom," despite knowing that it hurt your ex-wife. Even based on the skeletal story that you're sharing here, it seems obvious that you were pretty gleeful about the fact that you had effectively cut your ex out of your daughter's life and replaced her with your new wife.

For you to now turn around and be angry that your ex accepted that reality and created a new family for herself is so absurdly hypocritical that it's sort of unbelievable that you can't see it. I'm sure there's more to the story, but you don't come off in a positive light, at all. Your ex doesn't either, but you sound pretty vindictive and petty.

Subtlenova

YTA. This is so Machiavellian. The way you're trying to set up this case of parental alienation is noted, but you can't encourage it and also be the victim of it somehow. The only recourse you've left Anna with is to fight you for custody, thereby further disrupting the life of the child you encouraged to call your new wife "mom."

Or she can accept that Barbara will probably be a good role model that won't harm the child, that your ego is too large for you to co parent and be a spouse effectively, and try to accept things the way they are while salvaging what she thought was her life plan.

Now me personally, I would have fought you tooth and nail, and would have taken the heat proudly for disrupting that cute little forced sentimentality you displayed in letting two year olds make mistakes you call choices, but not everyone is like me.

My biggest flaw in life is not knowing when to leave well enough alone too, so hell, maybe she did the only thing she thought would be the least disruptive to her daughter while trying to protect herself during pregnancy and after having a baby. It's not a perfect answer.

But few of those exist in life, and your version of events tells me she wasn't dealt a fair hand in your little poker game. For anyone doubting this assessment, the tell is in how Carl being more distant is "fine by" him.

So, do you think the OP is being too harsh and taking his ex's comments out of context or do you think her comments are genuinely hurtful to her eldest child?

Sources: Reddit
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