'AITA for not paying my ex alimony and child support when I don’t have to?'
"AITA for not paying my ex alimony and child support when I don’t have to?"
No-Satisfaction-5856
When I met my ex, she already had three children from a previous relationship but she said she would be okay with having one more child but after she’s more settled in her career.
After our relationship became more serious, my ex decided to go back to uni to upskill herself but she wasn’t eligible for student loans as she had gone to uni before but failed her 3rd year.
At that time I had good savings so offered to pay because I really believed she was the “one” and thought she would be good for us in the long run as she would be able to get a higher paying job that she enjoys.
Before we got married, again we discussed kids and were still on the same page. After she and the kids moved in, honestly it was difficult, taking care of 4 people is significantly more expensive and we struggled.
At one point I had maxed out on my credit cards and had to take loans. But after my ex graduated from uni and had lined up a graduate job I was so relieved, now we will have 2 full time income to live on.
But shortly after starting her job my ex informed me that she has changed her mind and no longer wanted kids. To say I was completely shocked and blindsided is an understatement especially considered I had checked in periodically to ensure we were still in the same page but she suddenly just changed her mind out of nowhere?
As much as I loved her, having kids of my own has always been a dream of mine and I knew I had grow to resent her further if we didn’t separate. After I began divorce proceedings, my wife again changed her mind and begged me to reconsider but honestly damage was already done and didn’t want to have a baby with someone who’s only doing it to keep me also I didn’t trust her not to change her mind again.
I got a good lawyer and thankfully the judge determined I didn’t have to pay her any alimony. I had no parental responsibility for the kids and i had already invested tens of thousands in her education in expectation that it will benefit me in the future as well.
It was a relatively short marriage and She wasn’t a stay at home parent nor a housewife, all our chores were split as she was really busy with uni. She in no way sacrificed her career to help mine. In fact I sacrificed my finances to help her career.
But the judge did grant her half of my savings by there wasn’t much left anyways (although all my savings were in my name and were from before I met her and my savings has only dwindled after i met her). The house is actually in my parents name (who are live abroad now but I pay the mortgage).
Turns out my ex still expected me to pay her alimony but didn’t want to. My saving has been wiped, my credit score shit and I have debt for mostly her and her kids expenses and I don’t want to ruin my finances further.
Apparently she didn’t pass her probation at work and has-been let go. She struggling to find another job and begged me to help her. I politely declined and she called me a selfish a#ole.
Here's what people had to say:
Tangerine_Bouquet
She's your ex and can call you anything...of course she's unhappy.
You've fulfilled all your obligations. NTA for not continuing to be a doormat.
No-Satisfaction-5856 OP responded:
I think she believes I unfairly screwed her out of the alimony she deserved because I could afford a better lawyer than her. Because her salary isn’t anywhere near enough to meet the needs of her and her kids so she believes I owe her especially considering she also got “kicked” out of the “marital home”.
Usually courts do make the higher earning spouse pay alimony if there’s a consider difference in income to help the other spouse meet their basic needs.
Sheshcoco
NTA. Why isn’t she hitting up her children’s bio dad for child support?? That’s HIS responsibility.
No-Satisfaction-5856 OP responded:
The child support he’s ordered to pay is very negligible.
Euphoric_Travel2541
NTA. You two are not a good fit. She made promises she didn’t keep, and it sounds like she isn’t just having an honest change of heart. She struggles, and she wants you as a back up and safety net. She seems to have used you for a time, possibly. I’m sorry, OP. You don’t owe her anything at this point. You gave a lot to her already and enabled her to get a degree. That’s enough.
No-Satisfaction-5856 OP responded:
Honestly at that time I never I thought I was being used as she never asked me to pay her fees or hinted at it, it would have been a red flag she had expected as we weren’t even married at that time, I offered to do it as I could afford it at that time and thought it would be beneficial for both of us in the long run.
And she seemed like hardworking woman who had been dealt a shitty hand in life (her ex had addiction issues, was toxic and can barely ever hold down a job and she single handedly raised the kids). I admired her strength and wanted to help. Even after marriage she was never careless with money and tried her best to keep expenses to a minimum
Sebscreen
NTA. Based on what is apparent: you've already paid her what you need to as ordered by the court. The kids aren't yours so you have zero obligation to them. Based on the timeline of events: it seems like she deliberately led you on about wanting another kid because you were capable of financing her studies.
The fact that she "changed her mind" again after you initiated divorce to keep your income in her coffers is very telling.
Antelope_31
Nta remotely. There are plenty of women out there without this drama you can meet. You luckily get a do over. Choose more wisely.
Old_vet
Not the a@ole. Dude I'm glad you're out of this now but man I think you should have saw this coming. I'm sure you're not the first person she's done this to.
molewarp
NTA. You don't even owe her a kind word - she USED you.
Aurelie1973
NTA - you owe her exactly NOTHING legally, morally or ethically. She needs to stand on her own two feet now.