Women's friend says she's not a 'real mom' because she sends her kids to daycare. AITA?
"AITA for telling ending my friendship because she said I am not a real mom because I send my kids to daycare?"
NotArealMom4563
This is a long story. My friend, Maddie (44f) and I (44f) have been friends since college. However, she had other plans as she always wanted to be a housewife. So, she dropped out of college and got married.
I, on the other hand, have worked my way up. I wanted to build my own career before starting a family. That is why I didn't date much in my 20s. I put all my focus on my business and making it work.
Because of that I lost touch with a lot of my friends, including Maddie. She has 5 kids, so she is also busy with her own thing. Over the years, Maddie has pressed a lot that I should get married, I will not find a good husband if I wait till 30s.
She knows my trauma with relationships in the past. I wanted to heal properly before I started dating. Also this is one of the reasons why I lost touch with her. I finally met my husband a little later.
We decided to try for kids and it was a miracle that I got pregnant so easily at the age of 39 (My mother's side has a history of infertility). Maddie was happy for me. We decided to try for another kid and then another miracle and we ended up having twins.
My twins are now 14 months old so we decided to put them in daycare. When my friend got to know about this she told me it is wrong for a child to stay away from their parents for a long time. She suggested that I should quit my work and be a full time mom now.
And since we are financially well off we can afford it. Yes we are financially well off. And I have already taken a step back from my career till my kids go to preschool. But I do not want to quit my job.
She accused me of being a "fake mother". Because 1) I used epidural during both my delivery. 2) I hired nannies. 3) I put my kids in daycare. She thinks if you are not struggling as a mother, you are not a real mother. She said some pseudo science stuff that kids who go to daycare end up becoming spoiled brats and disrespectful because they do not feel a mother's warmth.
This was last straw. I told her to mind her own business and that her kids are no better since they always get in trouble. I know what is best for my children. There were a lot of arguing but the end result was that I blocked her and told her to not talk to me. I feel bad because we have been really close friends. We have known each other for more than 20 years. I do feel like an A-hole.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Genuine_friend012
NTA but I wonder if she is jealous of you and how you planned motherhood. Considering she got married way too young, she barely had time to plan anything. You seem like you planned things ahead. And in your comments, you mentioned you and your husband is well off. So, I wonder if she is jealous that you have and can afford help unlike, she did when she had kids.
UnusualPotato1515
Yep! She’s definitely jealous!! She’s probably resentful she has no college degree, no career, depends on her husband financially, little adult interactions during the day & just her kids & probably hasnt travelled or done half as much OP has for having her kids later in life. Bet the friend wishes she could have hired a nanny - 5 kids is no joke!
Livid_Refrigerator69
NTA. You’re a mother who has to work, mortgage/rent needs to get paid, bills & utilities need to be paid & unless you can live on love & fresh air, food needs to be bought, if she can afford to be a SAHM good luck to her but the last thing working Mums need is other mothers tearing you down, because they don’t have to work.
You’re a real mum, a super mum because you have to do double duty. You don’t need mean spirited toxic people in your life, she is no friend of yours.
The OP responded here:
NotArealMom4563
If I am being honest, I can afford to be a SAHM, both my husband and I have a job that pays well. I have saved up a lot in few years. But I do not want to because it will have an effect in my business.
Good_Ad6336
NTA. She’s not a friend. Friends support and encourage you. They don’t tear you down to make themselves feel better.
PsychologicalBit5422
There is nothing more annoying than a self righteous Mother who thinks her way is the only way. Losing a long friendship is hard, but let me tell you after a while you wonder why you didn't do it sooner. It's like losing a mental weight.