I (39F) have a 6 person girl group since college (37-39F) and that includes Mary (38F). We’ve been close throughout the years and have been at milestone events for each other. Mary just had a baby and is completely fitting the crazy new mother stereotype.
In college, Mary had always been someone who had to make it known that she was unique/different from the rest of us, which wasn’t as draining then as it has become now. For starters, all other women in our circle, got married between the ages of 22-27 and we all have multiple kids.
So the 5 of us were able to experience those milestones alongside one another and got closer as we shared similar lifestyles. Mary was very adamant on not settling until her 30s because she wanted to travel and have different experiences which we all supported.
Regardless, she would continue to make comments about how she’s so lucky unlike us because we’re “tied down with husbands and babies.” I think this is when she started to grow resentment towards us because we were in different places in life and she was upset we couldn’t have our group be the same as it was in college.
Then as we entered our mid 30s, it became a whole saga of how she’s getting older and can’t find a husband because all the “good men” are married or divorced with kids. When she finally got married, many could not attend because it was a destination event and child-free during Covid.
This caused a fight because she said she was there for us during our weddings but we couldn’t put aside a week for her. We had all told her how we wished we could, but it simply was not financially feasible and didn’t logistically work with our kids. But she just refused to hear us out and was simply so inconsiderate about our lives and families, saying we were horrible friends.
Now, Mary just gave birth to her first child and I was very excited for her. The only issue is that she moved from our state to a very remote place that’s only accessible by a 6hr car ride. Her baby is 6mo old and none of us have been able to go up to visit her.
I think she’s has the wrong idea of what a “village” is and has essentially demanded in our group chat that we come up for the holidays and help her out because she’s having a hard time adjusting to mom life. But, this would require all of us to take a week off, arrange childcare, figure out transportation and book hotels during the holidays.
It’s gotten to the point where she’s posting cryptic messages on Facebook bashing “fake friends” who won’t be there for her. As much as I wish I could, I cannot physically support her in the way she needs me to in this stage of my life. It would have been completely different if she still lived in our city and this was earlier in life when we had less commitments/priorities.
So I told her this and that if she was hoping for this big village and constant support, she should have thought about that when planning out her life because we can’t all just pause our lives for her. So AITA?
I have to ask has she provided a lot of support to the group? Was she there for your weddings which may have made difficult demands on her? Has she provided time and resources for the groups children over the years such as babysitting and the like?
I ask because as the childless one in the friend group I'm often expected to be ride or die but when it comes to returns on the favors 'sorry bro like it's just too hard with the kids' comes up a lot. Sure if some of those stories were told I'd look like an entitled ahole. I am absolutely ride or die in general, but seriously are some people ungrateful.
Right. I get the vibe that OP thinks that Mary didn't have to put efforts and pause her own life to attend their weddings and helping them, as she was unmarried and childless. Mary could have made a lot of sacrifices and efforts to attend their wedding and help them out, but now these friends won't even visit her?
OP claims she can't put her life on pause, but has she thought about the fact that her friend might have done so for her? I think Mary's wrong for being rude about your life choices, but doing the same thing makes you no different than her.
Not talking about the destination wedding, it's completely understandable that OP couldn't attend that, but can't she visit her now that she's had a baby?
This. My sister once actually said to me in regards to me listing my recent significant favors to her: But you don't have kids to deal with. This wasn't about her doing something for me either but me not being available for her. Had similar conversations with friends.
I don't understand that married with children OP saying she "needs to arrange childcare"........ummmm you have a spouse, why aren't they capable of caring for your school aged children for a weekend?
Bring on the down votes, but YTA. "You should have thought of that a long time ago" is such a sick move, like what, is she supposed to get a time machine? This shows a ton of resentment for her different life.
This post is so one sided and demonized this lady to such a massive extent that I struggle to believe that it -- or at least many of the details of it -- are true. Every choice your "friend" makes goes wrong in a way you show some schadenfreude about in your writing style.
"My friend delayed getting married and then bitched about all the guys being married," really? Yeah your friend sounds like an a-hole. So do you. You obviously went down different life paths and resent each other for it.
As the 30+ year old friend who wasn’t intentionally not married in my 20s, I am scared to have kids because of reactions like OP’s - I am Mary, I literally didn’t meet anyone and was single not by choice until only two years ago solidly into my 30’s, and I know that my village probably won’t return the favor for things I’ve done and it really hurts.
If this friend group is tight like OP says, it shouldn’t matter that their timelines are different. If this friendship means something to OP, and the holidays aren’t feasible, use your words and talk to your friend - “hey I can’t do X but what about Y” and figure out something that does work for you.
Plus moving away she probably feels isolated, and to top it off she’s a new mother. So as the friend on “a different timeline”, OP, YTA.
ESH. Your friend is delusional for her demands but this has nothing to do with your timelines. If she had kids when you did you would've had your own little kids to take care of. If anything, your kids are now around 10 so it should be easier to take off a week.
The issue is that she lives too far away for you to help support her. It was as rude for you to shame her for having standards and living her life as it was for her to shame you for not being able to attend her wedding. If you want to be in her life I hope you sent her baby gifts. If you don't, no harm no foul.