I am a middle kid. My older brother is the golden child and my sister is the baby and always got her way. I was mostly ignored. I was fine with it. I got into lots of trouble, but my parents didn't really care enough to either punish me or help me through it.
My guidance counselor in high school took an interest in me though. She saw something. I hope that everyone who needs it has someone like her. She saw that my parents didn't really get involved in my education.
She stepped up. She helped me find out what I love. She motivated me enough that I got a full ride scholarship. Which was good, because my parents had d!kk all for me.
I'm thirty now and planning my wedding. It's going to be a destination wedding because I want it small. We are paying for our six guests to come. My future in-laws (mom, dad, brother, and sister) and my maternal grandparents. That's it.
We are going to have a big party for friends and family when we get back. I'm not fully 'no contact' with my family, I just don't make any effort to talk to them and they do the same. They did find out about the wedding though.
They all want to come. I said that they were welcome and I sent them invitations. They asked if I needed anything to set up their travel plans. I said that they needed to get there on their own. They were invited but I wasn't paying.
They said that they had raised me better than that and that I was paying for my fiancée's family so I should pay for them too. Hard no. Hard. I told them that the fact is that my fiancée is the one paying.
She earns about the same as me but, she has a settlement from her first marriage. I did not tell them about the settlement. They again said they raised me better than to ignore family. The same people who skipped my graduation from high school and university. I have a million other examples but I think that says it all.
I just replied that I was happy that they were interested in being part of my wedding day and that I hoped they could make it but fully understood if they gave it a pass. I said that they were the ones who raised me to think of myself as not really being a part of their family so I was actually behaving exactly like they raised me.
DAMN. That last sentence took my breath away. Did they say anything back?
And NTA. Congrats on your wedding and I hope it's absolutely perfect.
NTA. Considering they missed important events (you mentioned your graduations) and then called and not only knew it was a destination wedding, but that your in-laws were being payed for - it sounds like they're after a free holiday more than the chance to support and celebrate you. Congratulations on your wedding and I hope you have a wonderful life together.
NTA. Well done. Enjoy your wedding.
NTA but I think you have a lot of hurt for how they treated you and it’s impossible not to. Also it’s odd that they expect you to pay for their travel under any circumstances but in this case it’s really nervy. You invited them so your part is done. Now have an amazing wedding and life no matter what your parents do or how they act towards you.
Absolutely NTA and I wish I’d recognised how dysfunctional my family was when I was younger. OP live your best life with family that loves you, which doesn’t mean blood relatives. I have finally found my family and I’m happier than I have ever been.
You handled that perfectly. I say this as a therapist who regularly helps clients set boundaries with difficult family members. You aren’t saying they can’t come. But you aren’t willing to pay for their attendance, either. That’s fair. Whether they’re going to shell out the money is up to them. You’re in no way responsible for their choices. What a healthy boundary! Well done. And NTA in case that wasn’t clear.
Cycle breaker. Good for you! 💙