'AITA for refusing to babysit the golden child's baby after he disowned me?' UPDATED 4X
"AITA for refusing to babysit the golden child's baby after he disowned me?"
I (20, fem) was adopted when I was 16 by my half brother and his wife who where in their late 30s at the time. They already had 6 children when they adopted me, but it was never a issue. They have treated me like their own kid since they meet me and later adopted me, so did all their other kids.
Except for one, their golden child who is only 4 months older then me. We will call him Chad. Chad has always been a insensitive a**@ole to literally everyone, including our other siblings. He would literally fight our older sister, say horrible and mean things to everyone and get away with it.
He also had extreme anger issues that would case broken doors, holes in walls, etc. He also got to do everything me and my sister where never able to do, got a free car, go out at night,ect. When we where still in school together during high school, he got up infront of our whole class year and told everyone I wasn’t his sister and never would be.
He then told me, in front of his friends, that I would never be apart of his family and I should just get over it. Then he just walked off. This was not a one-and-done thing, he would keep doing this up until he moved out and I stopped seeing/talking to him.
Golden boy once again got the limelight of the family after he got married right after highschool, moved out to his wife’s family’s house, and then had a baby, the first grand baby.
Since this has happened I have stayed as far away from him as possible, only seeing him for family pictures every year because our mother asks. Recently I decided to come forward to our mom about what he said and did, because she was upset about how I was “distancing” myself from him.
She basically pulled the “that still my kid and it’s my first grand baby” card as the reason she wasn’t going to be upset over it. I didn’t really care to be honest, I knew it wasn’t going to change her mind on her kid anyway.
Out of nowhere, I got a message begging me to come to babysit for them because “you're the only one who can deal with these kinds of babies because no one will help”. Apparently, they are weening there kid off of breastfeeding and the baby is extremely clingy because of that.
The fact that the mom is a germaphobe who has basically isolated this kid since birth, it literally has only been held by like 6 people since it's been born. They know I don't sleep for the most part because I'm an insomniac with ADHD, and I also am not bothered by crying. For some reason, I can sit for hours with the baby crying and it doesn't bother me; can't tell if that's a blessing or a curse at this point.
My sister is mad at me because apparently they haven't asked anyone else in the family for help but me, and everyone wants to go see this baby. Am I the a**hole for not wanting to be around or take care of the baby because it's father said that I'm not a part of his family?
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
AttemptedAdult
NTA. I would send them your hourly rates you will charge for the work. When Chad tries to pull the family card, say clearly that he has always publicly announced that you are not his sister and never will be, so you are only keeping Chad’s word.
harnort
Oh please do this- it’s so perfectly petty.
Substantial-Pea-5114
NTA at all! Stand your ground. You do not owe Chad ANYTHING! He took action. Now he has to face the consequences. Just keep repeating: 'He said that I was not a part of his family and never would be. Therefore, I owe him nothing. This is not open for discussion. My decision is final.'
WhiskeyCheddar
I say this gently but your adopted parents aren’t as great as you think they are. Treating your children differently- showering gifts and praise on 1 out of 7 kids and allowing one to be an a**hole to the rest is horrible and I’m sorry they knew way before you sat your mom down and told her. She has always known and looked the other way.
The OP posted and update after the original post the very next day:
PinkMonsterXa
I want to say this, I read everyone's comments and It made me feel much better knowing my feelings on this whole situation are valid. I wanted to give a update, that most of you may not like...
After I posted I ended up talking to two of my friends from high school, they where actually there during multiple occasions when Chad public said all that stuff. I talked with them for a little while, one of these friends actually came over almost weekly when I was still living at my parent's home so she firsthand understands my family.
We talked and we all mutually agreed, I go this once, see if we can't mend things, ansd, if not I can tell my mom and sister I tried and we are done with the whole thing. And if the whole “negative” thing with my family keeps up, I will cut them off for good. So I accepted to go babysit. I went over to Chad’s house around 8pm.
As soon as I showed up I was greeted by Chad’s wife who was extremely happy to see me. She was tired, you could just tell she had the “I have a one-year-old” face going on. She talked to me for a few minutes about how happy she was I came over and how she was glad to be going out with Chad. I kinda just listened to her go on and on before she finally got to the baby. Let's call him Seth.
She explained to me his night route, feedings, etc. Nothing too big. Then she got to the end where she started going on about how he was having “crying fits” at night and how he wouldn't get to sleep until mid-morning. I was a little ehh on that, but all babies have different routines I guess. She then said they would only be gone about 4 hours and that they would be home around like 12:30, 1 at most.
After this, Chad shows up from their room, literally starts talking to his wife, looks at me and then just kind of looks me over for a minute and gives me a small wave and nod before heading out of the house. His wife follows and simply tells me to call or text if I need anything.
For a minute I was just stunned but went to work to see Seth. Which was odd, because it was my first time seeing him in person and not in the photos that are hung around our parent's house. In person, he is the cutest little baby ever. He was fine the whole time, and he only cried because there was no one in the room not because of the weaning.
By this time it was around 11:30 almost 12. I would check the clock every few minutes just to see what time it was. 12:30 rolled around and I'm like “should I text them??” and I'm like no let me give them another few minutes until I need to text them. I ended up texting both of them at 1 asking where they where because they did say they would be home by now. I got no reply from either of them.
They finally show up at 3am in the morning. I'm livid at this point. Not even over having to take care of Seth for a longer period of time, but just because they never texted me back. Like what if there was emergency or something??
They walk into the living room and I'm just like “I texted asking where y'all where and no one answered” and Chad’s wife starts saying that “oh Chad said it was fine and that it would only be an hour more-” and I was just like “you know what its fine, whatever, Seth is sleeping.”
She looks at me all weird and I rolled my eyes say “its not the weening that's making him cry at night. He gets lonely, he's clingy. Just let him know you are in the room when he starts crying and he will go right back to sleep.”
I started to walk out with my stuff, as I was right about to walk completely past Chad when I turned around and was like “So you aren't going to say anything to me? After I looked after your kid for like 7 hours now?”
He snorted at me and was like “no? My wife is the one who talked me into this anyway” p*ssed off at this point, I said “ So this wasn't possibly a way you could have been able to apologize for high school or maybe all those other times you decided to outcast me from the family?
Because I was under the impression that maybe you wanted to patch things up because, out of all of the people you could have asked to watch your kid, you chose me.'
He sat there for a minute and just said “Why should I apologize? Because literally nothing from high school has changed. Man, you really do need to just grow up and understand that me and my wife and aren't going to cater to you like mom and dad did because your adopted. You ain't our family and you won't ever be.” At this point I just got in my car and left.
I ended up texting my mom about all of it thinking she would get it in the morning when she woke up. No, of course, she had to be awake. She apparently told Chad’s wife about the conversation we had about all the stuff Chad had said and done to me in school.
Apparently, his wife felt bad because she had an adopted sister too and felt horrible that Chad had done and said all those things. Apparently, mom didn't know about Chad asking about the babysitting thing until now and she started talking to the wife who is now upset.
Apparently she thought Chad would have changed since then and didn't think he would act the way he did when I left. I told my mom that I'm done with him, and that if something every happened with Seth then I would be there but I was done with them until that happens.
The way things are going, I will most likely be cutting my whole family off, because this isn't worth the stress anymore.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
PattersonsOlady
You handled this great. You can defend your actions to your family and they can get off your back about Chad. So glad you don’t need to cut off your family.
sailor_bat_90
Don't bother keeping your door open even for Seth at all. You aren't their trusted family and make sure it stays that way. Cut them out of your life, you really don't need that sort bs. Change your number or block them all.
Ok-Detective-2059
I don't think they'll last if she has an adopted sibling. Might not be right away, but resentment will fester. I couldn't rationalize being with someone who would think that way about their adopted sister, while coming from the same dynamic.
Roughly a month later the OP returned with yet another update:
PinkMonsterXa
So it has been a hot minute since I last updated on the whole “Chad” situation, it’s mainly do to the surprising fact that my family, my mother and sister, not bugging me as much lately.
The first day or two after the interaction with Chad was a bit hectic. Both of them where blowing up my phone, trying to get me to talk to them, mostly my mom just making excuses for Chad & my sister trying to basically just tell me to get over it.
I ended up telling the both of them, in text and over the phone, that I was over it, and I would be cutting myself off completely from Chad and his little family. This sparked some anger but my mother soon went quite and later my sister. Everything seemed to be going pretty good after that for a while.
That was until a week later when my sister showed up unannounced at my apartment demanding that I “take the blessing of getting to be around Chad’s sheltered child when no one else seemed to be able to.” Basically acting like it was some huge honor that I was asked to babysit.
I almost snapped. I wanted to call her a b*tch and to get off my property and not come back because I was just so sick of it. But I didn’t. From my door step I told her that if she wanted to see the baby so bad just go over and see it, it wasn’t my issue to deal with and I slammed the door in her face and watched her leave. It’s been radio silent for a while now until earlier this week.
I was scrolling on Instagram when I noticed that my oldest brother, the one that I get along super well with and supported me about cutting Chad off. His girlfriend of 4 year & the same age as me, are now engaged and posted pictures of the proposal. I noticed the post had been made last week, but, no one had told me? Not even my mother?
I texted my brother's girlfriend asking her about literally everything that was happening. She was surprised because my mother had said she had told everyone in the family about the wedding. She then told me that they would be holding a family meeting at my parents house to talk about the wedding plans. I said ok.
The meeting was for today around dinner time. I showed up and walked into the house and noticed that a lot of stuff was different decoration wise. My parents had our family photos all arranged around the living room, and a few random frames with multiple small photos in them as well.
I noticed that they had replaced multiple small photos of specifically me from the frames, and replaced them with now pictures of Chad and his wife and my older brother and his girlfriend. What where maybe 6 pictures of me on any of the walls, there where now two, a baby picture of me and my senior highschool photo, that are now in the hallway, not even the living room.
I ignored it and didn’t say anything. After a while everyone showed up, except for, of course, Chad, who my mom pulled the “he wanted to spend time with his baby🥺” bs.
They all started talking about the “people plans“ of the part, aka people who where going to be key parts of the wedding cast. I tried my best to listen and take in all of what my brother's girlfriend was saying. I noticed by the end of it all, my name was literally never added into any of the main plans.
I wasn’t mentioned at all in the plans. I started to question why I was there if I wasn’t going to be in the main plans of the wedding. I was kinda like “Why not just send me a invitation then?” I went home and texted his girlfriend asking about what had happened at the little meeting.
Apparently my mother had told her that I wouldn’t want to be involved in any of the wedding stuff and that it wasn’t my thing. She called me unfeminine & that I wouldn’t like doing any kind of bridal stuff because I’m not girly.
She then said everything was set in stone now, my older sister is going to be a bridesmaid and my little sister is to be a flower girl. My little little brother will be the ring holder & my other little brother & Chad will be groomsmen. And apparently my mother also told her that because of what happened with Chad that I shouldn’t be sat at the family table but at a guest table.
I will just be another guest at the wedding. I didn’t really say anything back because it hurt. It hurt that my mother would say that about me, that I wasn't feminine and that just because I myself didn’t do a lot of girly things in my spare time, I wasn’t going to be able or enjoy doing something like a wedding or be a bridesmaid. I can’t believe she would say that about me.
To be honest I don’t know if I’m even going to go. The wedding is scheduled for the end of the year. It sounds stupid and petty, but this hurt me. It hurt that I’m being outcasted, most likely do to Chad once again. And as I am typing this my sister is texting me about how she is helping plan all the bride stuff.
Honestly I’m going to leave it off at this for right now because I don’t know how to even feel if you know what I mean right now. In the next day or so I might update when I feel up to it.
Three days later, the OP returned with a brief, but very important update:
PinkMonsterXa
I don’t even know what to say, I didn’t expect to update again so soon but I just got the news from my older brother’s fiancé.
Chad’s wife is pregnant again.
Considering the length of this update, let's just move on to the final (for now) update:
PinkMonsterXa
It’s been a minute since I updated, I would say it’s because everything is going great but I would be slightly lying. Things have only mildly gotten better for me since the last update.
I have moved even father away from my parents since the last few updates, In part to hopefully try and start a process of trying to cut them off from my life. This has worked a bit, but not enough to actually make me feel any better. They, mostly my mother, have still decided to take time to bother me & showing up at my new place and only giving me a second of a heads up.
There is no update concerning the wedding, I have only gotten a invitation though the mail. I’m not going to try & press it anymore, I’m going to go but I will most likely leave after the ceremony & not stay to hang out with anyone.
Chad situation has grown only by the fact that over a group chat they decided not to have any kind of gender reveal or even a baby shower, they just announced that they are now having a girl.
Don’t want to be an a** but Chad's wife stretched the fact that Chad “randomly made her get up and go get an ultrasound to find out the gender” (she acted like she really didn’t want to do it) apparently they went to one of those fancy ultrasound places where you get fancy models of the fetus & high tech ultrasound pics.
Chad also announced that he is going to college now…. And asked for a $1,000 loan, which they gave to him.
They have always said that they will never loan money to ANY of their kids. My stomach turned when they happily gave him the money, but they wouldn’t lend me $20 bucks for school books when I went to college. They refused to help me get into college. I muted the group chat.
My brother fully believes that my love for women is trauma based because of the abuse I faced from our bio father. My heart was broken when all of this came to the surface, knowing they both truly wouldn’t support me, they would only lie to my face about being uncomfortable by my life.
I basically promised myself that I would never tell them if I got a female partner, in hopes of saving not only my feelings but my partner’s feelings in the long run. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to think about them looking me in the eyes and believing everything that they told me concerning their feelings about my lifestyle.
I fear my sister has told our mom about me dating a female now that I have moved further away from them, something that I never did while in the house living with them.
I noticed on my girlfriend's Instagram my sister had like one of the pictures of me and my girlfriend. my girlfriend after hearing all of this supports me about not posting pictures of us seeing as she knows that my family follows me on Instagram. my girlfriend has not tagged me in any pictures on Instagram so my sister had been looking through my friend on Instagram.
Not even A week after the photo was light I had to see my sister in person for something she started to make awkward comments about my dating life and if I was seeing anyone which I only said maybe and left it at that.
Two days later my mom is showing up at my front door with some store-bought cookies asking me if there’s “anything I want to tell her” I brushed her off and didn’t say anything she then left and hasn’t said anything else too me.
A few hours later my little brother texts me asking if I had told mom about me dating because she is apparently “going crazy” and about how his dad is just telling her that it’s just a “ trauma response” . I haven’t told anyone about me dating, so clearly someone told her about me dating, especially the fact that they are bringing up that I’m dating a female.
I honestly don’t know what I’m supposed to do at this point, as I am trying my best to cut them off. my girlfriend is telling me not to think about it too much and that we can get through it together. I honestly don’t know where I would be without her at this point because she is the only one keeping me sane throughout this entire transition.
This update isn’t anything grand but it is something. I wish I could fully say that my life is getting better but it’s really only getting better at a snails pace.
At the moment all I can say is thank you to everyone who has been supporting me throughout all of these updates, everyone’s input has actually made me see how messed up and how wrong my family has been treating me and how I shouldn’t be letting them continue to lead my life and invalidate my feelings. I hope to update after the wedding in a few months.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
Aleighb615
Honestly just don’t answer the door if your mother shows up. She isn’t entitled to be part of your life. Also have the girlfriend and your friends block your sister. Or just refuse to care what they think, post whatever you want.
Be out and proud. Who cares if they say something. The only opinion that matters is yours. I understand if you want to wait until after the wedding though. Just stay strong and know some internet strangers are rooting for you!
Valuable_Reputation1
Dude….wtf is wrong with this whole family?!?!
LiraelNix
'They already had 6 children when they adopted me, but it was never a issue.' Proceeds to make many posts revealing it was, in fact, an issue and sadly she was never really seen as one of their own.
signycullen88
I can understand not wanting to cut off the family that adopted you, thus showing they 'wanted' you, but like...it sounds like they're all particularly sh*tty to her so why bother? I hope OP went completely NC, though I'd love to know what happened at the wedding.
OP deserves way better than that sh*tty excuse for a family. It's gotta smart that the only one a**hole brother would 'let' near his kid, apparently, was the one he doesn't even consider family. I don't get it. What an insane family.