Man finds out wife intentionally cooks meals daughter won't eat; considers divorce. + UPDATE
"AITA for taking my daughter out to eat?"
liferant15_
So, I (39M) have a (16F) daughter from a previous marriage. For context, I met my now wife (37) when my daughter was 10, and she had a son (7M) when we met. Our relationship was great, and our connection was really present throughout our relationship. 5 months into our relationship, I introduced her to my ex (35F) and my daughter. My ex and wife were cordial, and my daughter warmed up to her quickly.
From what I know, they had a good relationship. My daughter grew up sort of a picky eater. For example She won't eat things like oatmeal, tomatoes, garlic, mushrooms, barbecue ANYTHING salty, or sour, etc. She loves spicy food, sweets, and all that.
And you could not trick her into eating anything she didn't like. When she was 13, I put 1 garlic clove in the melted butter I was using to make her grilled cheese. Idk how, but she could taste it, and I knew for a fact the taste wasn't that strong.
Her taste senses amazed me. Oh, she also ignored me for a whole week after that and wouldn't eat anything I cooked for her. I never tried anything like that again.
I work a 5-8 shift, but yesterday I got off around 9 because my group and I wanted to hurry and finish our part of a work project we had. When I got home, my wife had already prepared dinner and left my plate in the oven.
I heated my food and stood at the island and chatted with my wife, who was with our son in the living room. As I was eating, I realized that my wife had cooked garlic stir-fried rice, barbecue chicken, and a vegetable salad consisting of corn, tomatoes, mushrooms, and spinach.
I stopped chatting with my wife and just observed my plate for a good 5 minutes. My wife asked what was wrong and if I disliked the food. Finally, after an eternity, I asked what my daughter had eaten because everything she cooked were all foods my daughter disliked.
She was quiet for a few moments before finally saying that my daughter had not eaten since lunch. Needless to say, I was upset.
I asked her why she didn't switch up the meal to accommodate my daughter's palette. She got really defensive and started saying my daughter was being dramatic and it was just food so she could still eat if she was hungry we argued and I reminded her that it wasn't that simple for a picky eater like my daughter.
After a while of going back and fourth I decided to end the conversation by ignoring my wife, I felt that my daughter wishes were disregard. I took my daughter out to eat, I also brought her some sweets and we bonded and talked a lot.
I discovered my wife has been purposely cooking food my daughter doesn't like. My daughter has never been one to complain so she has been using money from her paycheck and she wasn't going to eat this particular night because she had no intention of pulling money out of her account savings.
We got home around midnight and my wife was upset that I took my daughter out instead of convincing her to eat her cooking. My wife and I are going to have a long chat when I'm off work.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
ithinkkare
Teach her to cook- it is the job of her parents to teach her life skills like cooking so everyone failed her on that one. Teach her how to shop for her meals. Also, have a discussion with your wife as to why she doesn't like your kid.
Sit down with your daughter and figure out what else your wife does against her that she just doesn't bother telling you about. Also, I'm sure your daughter would love dad/daughter dinners more often! Not wrong, but not right.
unknown_928121
Info is your daughter allowed to make herself something to eat when your wife makes something that she doesn't like or is she banned from the kitchen?
ChaosofaMadHatter
It looks like the daughter has been taking and using her own paycheck to get food for a hot minute, and just didn’t have the money that particular night to eat, according to the post.
Lea_R_ning
You are not wrong OP! I congratulate you for being an outstanding parent to your daughter!! You are good dad! You’re a real good dad! Thank you with my whole heart for not ignoring your child.
shenanigansco34
Deliberately cooking things someone doesn’t like is cruel. Your wife is a sh*tty person. However your daughter is old enough to do her own cooking if she had food aversions. Make sure she has the ingredients she needs to make her meals and have a talk with your wife about her attitude.
tiredandshort
NTA because from your description of what your daughter said, it seems like this has been an issue. The comments about teaching your daughter how to cook are irrelevant because that’s kind of the equivalent of her just going out to buy food, which she’s already been doing. She didn’t complain, she didn’t whine. She simply didn’t eat it.
Not only that, she was using money from her OWN paycheck?? How often???? It’s a parents job to provide food for their kids. Everyone on the other post is acting like she’s a picky eater brat, but she literally didn’t complain and just found and paid for her own solution.
HOW is that being a brat? It’s within anyone’s right to not eat something they don’t want, no matter how annoying other people think picky eaters are.
Instead of coming to you first and telling you “hey, I can’t cook this limited anymore” and then reaching a plan of action together, your wife just decided to say f*ck it. She never let you know to give you even the chance to meal prep for your own kid, or ANY sort of compromise. How long has this been going on for??? How long has she been excluding your daughter from meals?
A mere 7 hours later, the OP returned with an update.
"(UPDATE) AITA for taking my daughter out to eat"
liferant15_
I got home about an hour ago and was reading the comments for about 15 minutes (I'll be answering questions at the end of this post) The talk with my wife went ok-ish. I asked her what was going on. My wife was hesitant as she didn't want to have this talk at all. But finally she said she hates cooking for my daughter.
She said that it was to much to go out of her way to constantly go out of her way to accommodate her and how annoying it was to always make sure the food is cooked to a certain texture and seasoned to my daughter's liking she then revealed that she stopped cooking food the way my daughter liked because our son didn't like it.
She then proceeded to say that my daughter just needs to grow as it was only food and wouldn't kill her and how her being picky was just to draining. I asked why she didn't have a sit down with our kids to make some sort of compromise and she said her son needs came before my daughters.
She also revealed that she had straight up stopped buying more than half of my daughters personalized grocery list because it was a waste of money and that our son what snacks that he wanted. I was dumbfounded and asked her if she was just going to let my daughter go hungry, to which she responded by saying all she has to do is eat the food she cooked.
I asked her what was draining about putting 1 or 2 pieces of plain chicken aside. She said that I wouldn't get it because I didn't cook for my daughter like she did. Which was true as I'm at work from 5-9 and i only cook dinner on weekends, holidays and holiday breaks.
She apologized to me but suggested that I should convince my daughter to eat the food she doesn't like because it would make everyone's life easier. I then asked her If she would think the same thing if it was our son and she didn't respond which was answer enough.
I don't know what to do now, If she's willing to let my daughter go hungry how else would she be willing to neglect my daughter? What should I do now?
(Q-A) My daughter is in no way overweight ans she doesn't only eat junk food for vegetables she eats carrots, lettuce, corn, asparagus, and cucumbers. For fruit she eats watermelon, dragon fruit, apples, and mangos. My daughter can in fact cook. The only reason she did not is because her fall break is coming up and my wife didn't buy her entire grocery list so she saving it.
Which is honestly crazy because no kid should have to worry about how much food they can eat when they're hungry. My daughter told her bio mom and she upset and is suggesting that my daughter goes to live with her. My daughter chooses who she spends the year with herself and if she wants to go I won't stop her because I don't want my daughter in a house she's being neglected in.
Also I DO NOT in ANY way force my wife to cook for my daughter, in fact she insists on cooking for her, and if she came to me and said she didn't want to cook for my daughter I would understand and wake up early to fix her food for the day or switch my schedule around.
My wife goes on 1 grocery run for the entire month so if she isn't getting everything on my daughter's grocery list of course my daughter meals will be limited. I talked with My daughter and she isn't mad at my wife at all and is even pushing me to forgive her. It's frustrating because my 16 year old daughter is trying to fix our marriage while my wife basically said she could care less about my daughter.
My daughter is also willing to go grocery shopping with my wife and pay for her own food so there isn't anymore conflict. Some people were saying she might have AFRID disorder and I'm definitely going to look into it.
Any advice on what course of action I should take with my wife? On one had I love her on the other I cannot fathom the idea of being with someone who is willing to neglect my daughter.
Here were the top rated comments after this latest update:
o_Atmosphere_5132
Someone intentionally neglecting my child would be a deal breaker for me. Love is not enough to forgive intentional neglect of a child. Lack of communication for not coming to you with these issues is another huge red flag.
Plus, you’re now aware of the food thing, but what other passive aggressive things is she doing that you’re not aware of? I’m sorry I don’t have advice…. I just see red when people are mistreating kids.
WanderingGnostic
Yeah, for me this would be Reddit Solution #1-Dump her. You don't f*ck with my kids, I don't care who you are. That sh*t don't fly.
No_Atmosphere_5132
Exactly. I don’t normally agree with Reddit thinking everything is a red flag and divorce being the only option, but in this case, I’m on board. I could never look a person in the eye who intentionally not only neglected my kid, but flat out said they don’t care about them and that their sibling is more important. What a monster.
unknown_928121
My dude, your wife is willing to let your daughter go hungry in your home in favour of her son.
Does your love for her mean more to you than your kid?
Consistent-Ad3191
If he sends his daughter to her mother that's going to give that child resentment because she's being pushed aside for a woman that's neglecting her and she's being pushed aside by him as well. He needs to stand up to his wife and leave the situation because his child should come first wife can kiss off.
GuestLong4237
Your wife is an AH. She literally said she doesn’t care about your daughter. Go to family counseling, let your daughter live with her mother, or get a divorce. This is disturbing.
As promised, the OP returned to answer questions.
"(UPDATE 2)"
liferant15_
I'm gonna clarify some things and answer the most asked questions.
Do I intend to stay with my wife?
No, I've already decided on divorce.
Why do I refer to my wife's son as "our son" and my daughter as "my daughter"?
My daughter doesn't call my wife mom she calls her by her name, which makes sense since her mom is still very involved in her life. Naturally, I'd refer to my daughter as "my daughter." As for my exes son, I've known him since he was 7, and he didn't have any farther figure in his life he calls me dad and I treat like my own. I thought it would be easier to understand throughout the story.
Why won't my daughter just cook her own food?
Well if yall read the story thoroughly yall would see where I said that my wife admitted to not buying most my daughter's grocery list. This Of course limits the food my daughter can cook and eat herself. She believes that it's a waste of money and should be used on snacks her son prefers and extra food.
How bad is my daughter's relationship with her bio mom?
My daughter and her bio mom's relationship is very good she's never been neglectful towards her from what I know of.
She lived with her bio mom from ages (12-15) I think she's keen on staying with me to try a different arrangement and get a break from her bio mom as I know she Can be a little crazy. And I mean that in a good way.
Why doesn't my daughter she eat the food my wife makes instead of throwing a fit?
It's not as simple as just eating the food. She gets physically ill. Seriously we try every now and then to expand her palette (no luck) she literally will gag and vomit the food.
Am I going to let her pay for her own groceries?
Absolutely not. A child shouldn't have to worry about making sure they can eat no matter what age they are. That's the parent Job.
How is my wife only going grocery shopping once a month?
On the first of every money my wife goes grocery shopping with our budget being 1k- 1.5k.
Why am I letting my daughter leave instead of my wife?
My daughter has a choice to stay with me or her mother she's choosing to stay with me. My wife will be the one leaving once the divorce is finalized.
Have I told my wife or the kids that I've decided on divorce ?
No , not tonight. I will be having a sit down with both my kids separately and one with everyone together.
I do teach my daughter how to manage her money. My daughter is a junior so she is usually busy with a lot. She also plays soccer, volleyball, and is on the student council at her school. She shouldn't have to worry about having a meal to eat when she gets home. Not saying that she too young to go grocery shopping herself. But you get the point.
My daughter isn't upset with my wife. She sympathizing with her because she knows it difficult to accommodate someone with her taste pallette and is still insisting that I give my wife another chance. Which is heartbreaking because my wife openly admitted to putting her own son needs before my daughters.
Which I'm not mad at. Protect yours, right? But still I don't play favorites with her son and my daughter and if our roles were reversed I'd bend over backwards to accommodate him.
People are also confused on how I didn't notice before. My wife always told me that she made a separate meal for my daughter which I believed. I mean I had no reason not to. And my daughter is a huge people pleaser so of course she didn't say anything probably because she was scared to drive a bridge between me and my wife.
And for the narrow-minded people saying that my daughter is being dramatic think of it as you being forced to eat something you are extremely allergic to. You wouldn't want to and you shouldn't be forced to.
People are saying that my wife's neglect towards our daughter is far more serious so I'm going to put my daughter in therapy because I know she won't just come out and say what other issues her and my wife have been having.
My daughter isn't literally going hungry she has a job. Still she shouldn't be spending money on takeout every night. Me not forcing my to eat for she can't keep down isn't me spoiling her and for the people saying she should just suck it up need to seek help. I feel extremely guilty as parent for not seeing my daughter was being neglected sooner and I hope my relationship with her can he fixed.
I'm also going to look into all the conditions y'all are saying my daughter might have. Feel free to ask anything in the comments if your still confused.
Here were the top rated comments after this final update:
Elon_is_musky
I’m glad you’re getting her into therapy. I had an instance when I was younger where a family member took the $ my mother gave her to feed all of us, & fed herself & her kids & not me (ate in front of me & everything & never asked if I was hungry or wanted food).
I was like 5-6ish & was also too afraid to say anything/rock the boat, & I wasnt aware of the arrangement so I thought I had 0 right to ask for any food (and was hoping they would offer) because I assumed it was that family members money & not my mom’s.
I am STILL struggling with the mental issues around food that that caused me. Some things are good - I will share/offer food to friends if they’re not eating (even offering to pay if I have the $ & I know they don’t) because of how watching someone eat right in front of me while I was hungry felt.
I also have issues feeling “worthy” to eat because it was treated so flippantly and like it wasn’t a necessity (including other issues surrounding food insecurity in the home at times). So I developed disordered eating habits, including a big one I still deal with now with “saving” food for a more needed time, even if I’m hungry atm with nothing else to eat, & it ends up going bad.
Finding a therapist that specializes in eating disorders/issues would be really helpful for her, cause I have healed maybe 30% but that was doing the work all on my own very slowly over the years and it’s not easy.
a_goestothe_ustin
Your daughter is most likely a supertaster if it hasn't already been mentioned.
FluffyWienerDog1
"It's not as simple as just eating the food. She gets physically ill. Seriously we try every now and then to expand her palette (no luck) she literally will gag and vomit the food." I have a similar reaction to certain foods, like tomatoes and beans. My Stepmom fed us beans for weeks at a time, knowing it was almost impossible for me to gag them down. Just the thought makes me nauseated 40 years later.
And the part about the daughter trying to mend OP's relationship with his wife? When I was 14 my dad asked me straight up if I wanted him to divorce my stepmother. YES, I did! But I calmly told him no. Why? Because I did not want the guilt of having caused the breakup of his marriage and the fact that it would have been held against me in some way down the road.
I'm still very angry at my dad, who passed away 2 yrs ago, and my siblings and I are no contact with stepmom - including her bio-child. Thank you so much, OP, for standing up for your child.
Mlady_gemstone
i hope your daughter can heal through therapy! edit your other post to add the link to this update at the bottom. please update again once the wicked witch of the west finds out shes getting kicked to the curb!
The OP again responded as comments continued to come in:
liferant15_
People seem to be getting confused. I AM NOT DIVORCING MY WIFE because she didn't make a meal my daughter doesn't like. It's the neglect towards my daughter. My wife was handling the grocery shopping and was supposed to be buying food for EVERYONE, which he had no reason to doubt until recently.
Had my wife communicated and said, "Hey, I don't want to go grocery shopping for a daughter and cook meals to accommodate her dietary plan," I would have understood.
It's the fact that even though My wife has known my daughter since she was 10 and knows my daughter's palette as well as I do she decided that instead of telling me her issues with preparing my daughters food she would rather just cook food that she knows my daughter can't even keep down.
People keep asking, "Why don't I handle my daughters grocery shopping?" Naturally, if your wife knows a out you daughter dietary preference, you would trust her with your kids' food supply. She also deliberately didn't buy my daughter's grocery list because she felt it was a waste of money.
My wife contributes about 1/4th of the money we spend on grocery, so it's not like my daughters grocery list has been coming out of her pocket. I feel extremely disrespected for my daughter and let down by my wife.