'AITA for telling my husband I'm not caring for his daughter anymore?'
"AITA for telling my husband I'm not caring for his daughter anymore?"
My stepdaughter Sally is 17 years old pretty crucial year for her academically because the grades she will get will affect her next year when she’s a senior. She been wanting the new iPhone and I told her if she upgrades her scores and gets at least two A+ we will buy her one.
Test results came around she didn’t meet the criteria her father and I set in any way and she ended up failing a subject so I told her no phone until makes up for what she failed and do better in her end of year finals.
She didn’t like that she isn’t getting her new phone now and hated that we had a new criteria for her till finals and began to be mouthy. I told her the position we have is very firm nothing will change until she does better.
Sally’s bio mum lives in another country and rarely gets involved with sally. Occasional phone calls and that’s it. Sally called her mum crying that she wants the new phone, her mother called me I explained the situation but she hung up without answering.
2 days after Sally came in so excited that her mother had booked her the new phone and it will be shipped in 2 weeks. I asked my husband about it and he said that he and her mother talked and decided to get her the phone now.
I was shocked I told him I thought we had an agreement he said yes but herb bio mother decided to get her the phone so I was like and why did you agree? He had no justification answer.
Then he told me that I should stop interfering with Sally’s business and that Im never being her mother. I was honestly at shock of what he said cause if I shouldn’t interfere why do I cook for sally?
Drive her to practices? Take care of her room and clothes? Take her out on dates? Buy her stuff with my own money? Attend all her important events? Attend the parents meeting at school every semester? And do everything her mother failed to do?
After that I told my husband fine I'm done, I'm not her mother and will never get involved with her. She’s nearly 18, so she will be on her own anyway. And if she needs a mother, she has her biological one. She could travel to her, or her mother could come to her too.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Puppersnme
YTA. A stepmom is important and part of a child's team, but she has a Mom and it's not the end of the world to be reminded that Mom has a say in her daughter's life. Marrying someone with kids means you will play a part in the raising of their kids. Being petulant isn't helpful.
I'm all for encouraging hard work toward academic success, but demanding two A+ grades is a bit much
Glittering-Record-49 OP:
rephrase your words correctly what you are saying step mum is just a money donor, free labour that shall be consumed to provide all support then all her opinions and feeling be thrown in the garbage
United-Loss4914
Whoa. Now you’re taking it out on people that you ASKED to give their opinion. You’re mad but you’re also out of control. Do you act like this to the people you love?
LKReddThat
NTA. Unless a child has to get a job to help their family with finances, their ONLY job is to do as well as they can in school and set themselves up for success later in life. OP was simply trying to do that through the conditions imposed on the iPhone purchase.
The bio mother clearly doesn’t see the value in that, and it’s too bad because she is setting up Sally for failure. The dad seems to be putting his discomfort dealing with the bio mom ahead of Sally’s wellbeing as well. It’s highly likely, too, that a new iPhone will be more detrimental that helpful to improving Sally’s grades. Edit: NTA.
goddessofspite
Nta. Her mom isn’t stepping up to raise her kid she’s letting you do the hard work and then undermining you. I’d be very clear from this point he and his kid are on his own. Let’s see how he likes running around after her.
happybanana134
Sally is a teenager acting like a teenager; dad said no so she asks mum. Standard.
Glittering-Record-49 OP:
she is 1 month from 18 so she is a young adult. Anyone above 12 will understand what she did is wrong and she never tried to apologize or make up for it either. Then fine she can keep asking mum that's what I said
Regular_Boot_3540
I don't know, it seems like you're taking a beef you have with your husband out on Sally, and that seems really unfair. I know Sally isn't an angel, but suddenly withdrawing your support like this seems like a bad move. YTA.
Glittering-Record-49 OP:
Sally is the one who got the ex-wife involved and asked her to get her the phone dismissing what I told her. If she considered me a mother she wouldn't have done that. if I support her where will that get me
Big-Hope7616
I mean, she’s not your kid. Yes you’ve cared for her and stepped into a situation where you are another adult who looks after her but you’re not her mom and whatever happens with her is up to her dad and her mom. ??♀️??♀️??♀️ it’s not personal so you shouldn’t take it personally, but that’s the truth about being a stepparent.