'AITA for changing my mind about wanting children?'
"AITA for changing my mind about wanting children?"
When my girlfriend and I got together one of the initial things we discussed were children. We both wanted two children in the future. We said we'd likely look to start a family when my girlfriend is in her early 30s (She was 22 when we discussed this and is 24 now, I am 27 now).
Since then we've been on a few holidays abroad and there's a long list of places we want to visit and there's a lot I want to experience. Obviously with work and money, we can't really do a lot of it each year. We're managing between 1 and 2 trips abroad each year (we live in the UK).
Recently I've been thinking about everything we said we want to do and experience and to tick everything off the list it will take a long time. Having children will massively hinder that as we'll obviously have a lot less free time and when the children start to get older, our holidays will be more family focused.
That doesn't seem as appealing to me as it did originally and I'd rather go down the list of places I want to visit and see as much of the world as possible. I told my girlfriend I wanted to talk and she asked what it was about.
I told her I no longer think I wanted children and told her the reasons mentioned above. She asked if I was sure and I said while I'm not 100% certain, I am still pretty sure.
She then asked what it meant for us and I said that obviously I'd love to do everything together but I know she wants children so it might mean it is the end for us.
She accused me of stringing her along and lying to her from the start about wanting children and trying to pressure her to stay and give up on the idea of having children which isn't true.
She just kept repeating that I have been stringing her along and expecting her to give up on wanting children. AITA for changing my mind about wanting children?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
NAH. You’ve a right to change your mind. She has a right to be upset.
I don’t think any woman should give up having children for the sake of a man. This is a relationship ending decision and you seem to accept that. Let her go and allow her to find the right relationship for her.
Electrical_Error_221 OP responded:
With the last paragraph of your post, I don't really think it needs to be gendered. A man should also not give up having children for the sake of a woman
There is a gender difference, men do not have a fertility window, women do. So stringing a woman along during that window is a lot harsher than stringing a man along.
Electrical_Error_221 OP responded:
Yes but the point you made was about giving up having kids for the sake of your partner not about stringing people along. So a man also shouldn't give up having kids for the sake of a woman.
Proper-Plan-2382
NAH. Life plans morph and people change, it's natural. Tough break, but better honesty now than resentment later. Good luck, mate.
BlindOnARocketcycle
NTA. People change their minds. This wasn't something you lied about, this was a sincere change of heart. A change of heart you told her about, not something you hid. It sucks that you two want different things but that's life.
SnooRadishes8848
NTA, it’s good you told her when you changed your mind so she can see what she wants.
lyrical_llama
NAH- You're NTA for changing your mind. She's NTA for still wanting kids. Where this would cross into AH territory is if someone tries to force kids or kid-free on the other person. If her resentment about this continues to fester, it's time to move on. Both of you deserve to have a partner that will give them the lifestyle they want.
OhmsWay-71
NTA. We grow as people and discover what we really want. Better to say now than after the child is here.
She’s upset and needs to blame. Doesn’t make you an ahole.
watchingbigbrother63
YTA. But not in a big, bad way. Of course she's going to get upset when you totally upend her life plan. This is the purpose of getting to know each other and changing after the fact feels a lot like a betrayal. That said, you're perfectly free to do it and you must be willing to wear the asshole label of that's what it means.
camembert23
NTA. It's okay to change your mind about what you want, especially in your 20s, things change, situations change, finances change. It's okay if she wants to end the relationship over this, because kids is one of the major deal breakers, but you didn't string her along. You told her as soon as you had reached your conclusion.
New-Material-3503
It's ok for you to change your mind. Better to let her know and break up then to have children when you don't want them. Not fair to the kids or to your GF. She is mad and hurt and is going to say harsh things. All you can do is say you weren't stringing her along, you have changed your mind and you are sorry for hurting her. Then you exit the relationship.