Mom demands friend cooks new dinner when daughter cries, hates the food. UPDATED
'AITA for not making a second meal for a child?'
I (30F) am friends with a couple, Mike and Sandra (35M and 38F) and invited them and their child Charlie (9F) over for dinner. Before they came over, I texted them to find out if any of them had any food sensitivities, allergies, needs, etc. The wife said there was nothing I needed to worry about.
I decided on something a bit kid friendly while still feeling like I was cooking for adults so I settled on chicken parm with some chocolate cake for dessert. I figured it's like chicken nuggets mixed with pizza, which kids would like.
It turned out really well for someone who's just started cooking like me. My friends were telling me that it was good, and maybe they were just being polite, but they ate everything. Charlie poked at her meal the entire time we were eating and I'm not sure she ate any of it.
After we were done, I brought out the chocolate cake. Charlie ate a tiny bite and immediately started bawling. Sandra asked her what was wrong and she cried that she didn't like chocolate. Sandra continued to comfort her daughter while Mike and I awkwardly ate dessert.
A couple of minutes pass and I notice Sandra is glaring at me. I hesitantly asked her if I could help her with Charlie. I'm not good with kids, which she knows, but I wasn't sure what else to do.
She huffed and asked, 'Is there anything you'd like to say to Charlie?' It took me a second to realize that she wanted an apology for her kid not eating my food. I thought it might help cheer Charlie up at least, so I said I was sorry that she didn't like my food.
Charlie started crying harder and her mom asked me if I had anything she would like instead. I drew the line there. I told her that I wasn't going to cook anything else, and that if I didn't like what my mom made me as a kid, I went to bed hungry.
Mike is just silently eating his cake while Sandra tried to convince me to make something else from for Charlie to eat. I stood up from the table and asked Mike if he would like me to wrap up his cake for him to take home because the rest of his family was apparently not having a good time.
I suggested that Sandra could go home and make something for Charlie to eat. Sandra scoffed at me and said something about how I was cooking tonight and she thought she could have taken the night off.
I knew I was about to say something I really regretted, so I slammed my plate on the table and told her to get out. Mike seemed genuinely embarrassed as they left. I haven't spoken to any of them since and now I'm thinking I overreacted by kicking them out of my house.
Here's what people had to say to the OP:
NTA - Yes, you could have handled it a little more gracefully and throwing them out was a bit harsh.
That said, it’s ridiculous from Sandra a) to have you apologize and b) to expect you to cater to Charlie’s needs. You clearly served edible food, otherwise the plates would have not been polished.
Also, if Sandra and Mike already know that Charlie is a picky eater, it’s on them to bring suitable food. Especially if Charlie was “inconsolable”, it was on them to call the evening short. Thank you for the meal and to head out.
Another option for them would be to stop somewhere on the way home to get Charlie something (though I’m not sure that’s a great pedagogical idea).
Ok so I've got a 5 year old with SPD (sensory processing disorder)....It's ROUGH. For example...he will eat great value popcorn chicken he will NOT eat Aldi brand. They have a different taste and a different texture. He is very much aware of the differences.
I've tried every trick to trick him and it's a no-go. In case you're wondering....if I try to force him to eat something he's averse to....he literally gags. So it can be extremely hard to predict whether he will eat something in other places.
That said. When we visit other people I do not expect them to make a second meal specially for him. I definitely do not expect them to apologize (I don't). The mom is a total AHOLE here.
He does however tend to like raw carrots, some fruits, as well as some nuts (cashews). ? If we're at someone's house and he has an issue with what's being served I allow him to ask for one of his 'safe' foods. The host is of course allowed to say no or may not even have it but he's allowed to ask because the host doesn't have to cook those things.
You are NTA for not making a second meal. However. As a parent..... I would be completely FURIOUS if someone went on a tirade about how when she was a child she ate what was given or didn't eat in front of my child. So to this end you absolutely are TA. Even if Charlie is just a spoiled brat.
You're the a**hole; you don't cook a f*&$ing single meal anyway, you always have a neutral side when you invite people. Simple boiled pasta would have been sufficient and complemented the main.
This kinda makes you seem like an inexperienced host though rather than a willful a**hole tho
NTA. “Is there anything you’d like to say to Charlie?” Did you forget to mention that you’re 4 and Sandra’s your preschool teacher? Because goddamn that is some condescending shit to say to a person in their own home, especially after they just cooked you dinner.
NTA - The amount of disrespect they brought to your table is astonishing. You were wrong to apologize. Poor innocent kid, life will be difficult for her if she cries in front of chocolate cake. Not the kid's fault but bad parenting.
Anyhow I would never apologize for that. 'Dear kiddo, you can't always get things your way. Please try to eat if you are hungry or wait to get home to have what you want. You cannot argue a gift. When you pay you can set conditions'.
After the comments came in, the OP returned to briefly say:
EDIT: This happened about 3 days ago and I'm going to reach out to Mike today when it's not 4 AM. Thanks for the perspective, everyone!
True to her word, the OP came back 6 hours later with an update.
Thank you to everyone for sharing all these new perspectives on this situation. I truly appreciate them all (except the guy who told me to just not act angry next time).
I reached out to Mike today to apologize for kicking them out. Mike apologized for everything. He said that Sandra's mother had been admitted to the hospital that day so understandably nobody was really on their best behavior.
He said they drove straight from the hospital to my house. He said he would have said something about it, but Sandra had asked him not to mention it then so she could focus on dinner, which is totally fair.
Charlie isn't normally a picky eater or spoiled or autistic or anything, she was just upset about grandma. Why she latched onto saying she didn't like chocolate is really anyone's guess.
Sandra's mom is doing better now and while the family didn't behave at their best, I've got no hard feelings about dinner any more. Maybe they're lying, maybe not, but I'm willing to give the friendship one more chance, though I probably won't cook for them again.'
The update prompted new responses:
NTA Mom with a vegetarian daughter here. Even before she decided to give up meat she was a picky eater. In no way is it the responsibility of anyone else to make sure a small child has something that they will eat.
I’ve brought food, at the risk of offending someone who is cooking, but it seemed to be well received. Even without the potential emotional situation of a family upset about a hospitalized family, kids change their mind daily about what they like and how they will react.
Everyone deserves a second chance for friendship so I’m going to say let this one slide with the stipulation that if she continues to treat you poorly because of this one encounter, politely decline any couple events they may suggest. Good luck.
I don’t think you over reacted. You behaved accordingly for social norms. They withheld the extenuating circumstances that affected their behavior. But even then their poor behavior isn’t excused.
NTA I guess but JEEEEESUS I feel so bad for Charlie. Imagine being 9, you JUST saw your grandmother in the hospital and now you're being whisked to some stranger's house for a dinner party you probably didn't wanna go to in the first place with no one else your age there to hear boring grown up talk.
And, you've probably been instructed to not bring up Grandma and you can't understand why and it makes you even more scared that somethings wrong with her.
Now you're there and maybe you get a plate full of food you've never seen before, maybe it's food you know you don't like, maybe it's food you DO like but you're just not hungry because it's been a hard day! And your parents and this stranger are just talking and talking like nothing bad even happened today and your brain just cannot wrap itself around that fact.
And then it's dessert and it's cake so you try to make yourself like it because you do like cake even if you don't like the flavor and cake makes you happy but it doesn't even help and you just can't take it anymore and you're so scared about grandma and what is even going on!
And you just start crying. And you know you can't talk about grandma and even at 9 you know crying over food is rude so you say you don't like chocolate because you don't wanna offend this stranger.
And then your mom gets mad which is even more scary and the stranger and your mom start fighting and your dad is just ignoring it all and then you get kicked out and in your mind that's YOUR fault!
You just ruined your parents' and this stranger's night! AND THEN (and thank GOD charlie doesn't know about all this) people on reddit call you a demon and much MUCH worse because you didn't behave 100% appropriately on what was maybe just the hardest damn day you've ever had in your 9 short years so far on this planet.
Did you, like, even talk to this kid? I know people feel weird around kids, but... she's literally just a person, after all. Did you ask Charlie any questions or try to make conversation and make her feel welcome at all?
It's nice that Mike apologized, and glad the mother is doing better. But, Sandra needs to put on her big girl panties and apologize for being an AH.
YTA especially since you’ve got no remorse in light of what was going on. You were fine until you got angry and booted them and that’s when you became the self centered problem.
I think you were fully in the right, until they asked if you had anything else--I agree you shouldn't have to cook anything else, but at that point I don't see why you wouldn't just check the cabinets for anything they could have that doesn't require any effort like crackers or cereal or supplies for a pb&j or something.
You definitely did not need to go out of your way and if the answer is 'I'm sorry I really don't have anything' and they decide to leave to go get food for their kid then that would all be fine.
I think what brings it into ESH for me is the part where you say 'if I didn't like what my mom made as a kid then I went to bed hungry.'
You can't tell someone else their child should just go to bed hungry. It's certainly not your responsibility to feed them, but you put just one toe over the line there that I don't think was your place.
They were more wrong, but I think you handled it poorly too.