'AITA for suing to get my child support back after my son died? I never wanted kids.'
"AITA for suing to get my child support back after my son died."
Suitable-District-46
I f48 never wanted kids. I thought I married a man 48 with the same feelings. We had discussed it in depth before we got serious, much less married.
After five years of marriage he changed his mind. He wanted a child. I very much did not but I loved my husband and I agreed to adopt. So long as my husband agreed to be the stay at home parent because I have a great career and he works from home.
It took two years but we finally adopted a baby from my husband's birth country. As planned, my husband stayed home with our new son. Everything went well for the at first, for a little while, but then my husband said that we needed a nanny because working and having a child was difficult. No sh*t Sherlock.
That was the beginning of the end. Lots of fighting about child care. More about budgets. Even more about living with the consequences of our choices. We divorced and my husband got custody and I pay child support. I saw my son grow up and I loved him very much. We spent time together and I took him on holidays that I otherwise never would have taken.
When my son was 14, I got a sizable bonus at work. I talked to my accountant and lawyer and I paid the next four years of child support in a lump sum. My ex had some expenses and he needed money. He was also an amazing parent and I knew he would always take good care of our son.
My ex took the money and used it to take care of his stuff. When our son turned 16, he bought him a motorcycle. I thought it was a terrible idea but it wasn't my call.
Long story short, I was right. My son died and my ex was badly injured trying to reach him on a road trip on their motorcycles. It has been six months and I approached my ex about getting the child support back because there is no child.
He called me heartless and an a**hole for even thinking of the money right now. I left and put it all in my lawyer's hands. My ex's family is now bad-mouthing me to everyone for "expecting a refund." I don't think I'm in the wrong but maybe I am. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
MasterK999
NTA. Please ignore people here who are slamming you. Everyone processes grief differently and I also would be upset at the idea of my ex keeping a windfall after they bought the thing that killed our child.
I think the main problem is one of language. You are not asking for a refund but rather return of an unused portion. Refund sounds heartless.
fleet_and_flotilla
"I also would be upset at the idea of my ex keeping a windfall after they bought the thing that killed our child."
If I'm being honest, for me that's the real crux of the issue. like, if then son had gotten sick and passed, yeah, I think I would call OP an a**hole, but his death wad totally preventable. no 16 year old needs a f*cking motorcycle.
jkshfjlsksha
There’s no way any of this is real. It’s been 6 months since your kid died and not only do you speak of it so flippantly, your only concern is money?
Sorry_I_Guess
NTA. I suspect that you're going to get a lot of comments about the very rational, matter-of-fact manner in which you've written your post. Mine won't be amongst them, because for a variety of reasons I understand that how people choose their words is not always a full or accurate representation of their hearts.
Despite your very sensible turn of phrase . . . despite everything that has happened . . . it did not escape my notice that you had the generosity of heart to still call your ex-husband "an amazing parent". I disagree. I think he was likely a very loving parent who adored his son.
But I would argue that no "amazing" parent - no parent who puts parenting their child ahead of being their best friend - buys a child a donorcycle at 16. There is no world in which it is in any adolescent's best interests to own or ride a motorcycle. Period.
And yet, despite the fact that he did this in the face of your disapproval, and that it literally led to your child's death . . . you still come here and have the grace to call your ex an "amazing parent". That speaks volumes of your character, and your good heart.
People grieve differently. Again, I suspect there are going to be some ugly comments here, but it seems to me that this is your quiet but firm way of grieving the abject horror your ex-husband's irresponsible behaviour - indeed, WITH the money you gave him for the care and support of your child, specifically - has wrought on your lives.
You aren't shrieking or rending your clothes. But he took the money meant to care for your child, and not-so-indirectly caused your son's death. That you have asked him to return the rest of the money - money that never was his to spend to begin with, outside of protecting your son's welfare -absolutely does not make you an AH.
It is not only your legal right, but it is your right as a grieving mother. It is gesture of pain. Not vengeance, just . . . pain. And you are absolutely NTA.
tatersprout
NTA. He owes you 2 years of support refunded after half of funeral expenses are paid (unless you contributed that already). Your ex should have offered that money back instead of you having to ask. I don't think you asking for the cs back has anything to do with accusations of being insensitive. You can mourn your child and still want the money back.
The OP responded to commenters:
Suitable-District-46
Thank you whomever directed me to seek help from Reddit counseling. I really appreciate the thought. I already have a therapist and a grief counselor. It is good to know there are caring people here.