Dad confesses, 'I feel like having a baby was a huge mistake.' UPDATE 2 YEARS LATER
"I feel like having a baby was a huge mistake..."
I'm her father, and no I didn't have to push out the baby or carry her for 9 months, but I don't think I've ever been more sad, exhausted, or depressed over a decision my whole life.
Prior to the baby, I had lots of hobbies, traveled the world, had a thriving loving relationship with my wife and more. I built things, flew drones, worked on cars, and loved my Wall street job. But it all feels like that's gone.
I have a 9 week old, and it is has been ruff. Nobody can really explain how demanding and exhausting and selfless you have to be to raise a child. I am just grabbing at any moments of peace, and when she sleeps, I just wanna stay up and have a chance to be me, but I'm so tired that I can't even enjoy those moments. I find myself wanting to pack up and just disappear.
I find myself not even wanting to wake up, because I know what the day requires. When does it get better? When will I get 7-9 hours straight of sleep every night again? When will I get a chance to live again? I don't get time with my wife... Love life is non-existent. I don't get to travel or do any hobbies I had. I work 9-10 hours a day, and I'm exhausted even before the day starts.
I feel so guilty because she's beautiful, and it isn't her fault, but if I could go back and undo this decision I would. I know not all experiences are the same, but I'm hoping someone has a positive word or glimmer of hope for me. I hope I didn't ruin my life. 😞😞 An honest writeup from first time dad.
Here were the highest rated responses after this initial post:
Im going to cry. I thought I was alone with feeling like this. I am a 22 year old FTM with severe PPD. I have a six month old, and now it has gotten a little easier I still struggle emotionally. I look in the mirror and hate my body. I cry.
I had a horrible birth experience and medical malpractice happened. I have a broken body. Just reading this makes me feel human. I am currently getting help and talking to someone but its just so hard.
Have you ever heard the saying 'You'll miss the newborn stage one day!'? Im here to say: The f*$@ I won't. The newborn stage is the worst. OP it gets better. Keep reaching out and talking to people. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way right now.
My motto during the first few months was, 'This is temporary.' You're in one of the most demanding phases right now, which can take a toll in all the ways you mentioned, but it absolutely doesn't last forever.
The first year goes by so fast, and you're in such a sleep-deprived state of stress that you'll probably barely remember it, as hard as it is right now. You'll start to get more time to yourself, your love life, your hobbies back gradually. It's always demanding but not in the same way the first few months are. Just remember this is only a short, passing phase!
My daughter is four and I'm the mother. The first 8 weeks were pure torture. The first year was clingy terror that turned me from a extrovert into an introvert. The first two years was slightly sucky with an irrational and horrendous monster. Then after she turned two she could communicate. In full sentences. And have opinions that could change from learning! We could have simple conversations.
When she turned three we could go do more physical things. We went on a three day backpacking trip and camped and she could keep up. We could go on a boat and she could go inner tubing. When she turned four, we could teach her more of the fun stuff. Catch, riding a bike, letters and reading and math. Science experiments and building things.
Every year has gotten exponentially better. I connect with people on a rational and intellectual level, so having a young infant was so hard. Now it's getting more fun. We were ready to do some big traveling again. So now we are discussing another child.
It gets easier. Slowly. After a few months when your child can hold their head up by themselves, invest in a baby backpack carrier that can elevate them a bit, and then take them everywhere. It's good for them to get out, and good for you too.
You're not raising a child yet, you're taking care of an infant. Over the next two to three years this child will transform from something that needs your total care and attention to keep it alive, to a valuable member of your family who will have its own thoughts, feelings, and excitement for the experiences you and your partner give it.
You will be able to share your hobbies with the child--what child isn't going to to absolutely bonkers about drones?
I hope as the child develops and shows more abilities and personality, you can grow to see it as someone you're excited to see grow so you can share new experiences with them. You made a lifelong family member who will, a year or two from now, adore all the experiences you have to give them.
Update from OP 2 years later:
Hello everyone and Happy Friday. I wasn't going to write this update as it has been so long, but I realize that we are a community, and part of the power in community, is in normalizing the experiences that we sometimes feel we go through alone.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and feel free to ask me any questions about my journey below. I'll do my best to respond to EVERYONE.
If you haven't read my first post, in summary, I was feeling lost, sad, depressed, resentful, exhausted, emotional, overwhelmed, scared, and questioning if I'd ruined my whole life in what was supposed to be a joyous experience. So now that you've survived my introduction, here's my 2 year update: What does life feel like at this point?
I could tell you what life is, but that's not how we connect as humans. We connect and function based on feelings and our perceptions. So with that being said, my heart has never been more full, my purpose has never been more clear, and while life has never felt the same, I'm not sure I'd ever want it to go back to the 'perfect' life I had before my little girl.
She's about to turn two, and every morning I look forward to my 'daddy daddy daddy' as she runs into my home office after she wakes up, and I look forward to my big goodnight hug and 'goodnight daddy' before she's put into bed. Her laughs absolutely obliterates the shadows cast from a bad day at work, and chasing her on the playground at the park has become one of our favorite past times.
When did it get better for you?
It gets better in stages, but I'm still not sure how much of that is because things actually get much easier, or if there is a natural evolution we go through as first-time parents. I remember feeling absolutely exhausted, and without any time.
Today, I get full nights of sleep usually, I have a few pockets to myself here and there, and while I don't get to sleep in late, stay up all night clubbing, or some of the more adolescent things I used to enjoy, I am enjoying life again.
4 months
First smiles were nice, but still not enough to change the quality of life.
10 months
She started eating food, making lots of funny faces, and developed a fondness for me even though I wasn't fond of her. Those long nights were few and far between, and while I didn't have free time, I had sleep. And we all know sleep is extremely 'insert curse word here' important after the initial exhaustion in the earlier stages.
13 Months
A mobile baby is a whole new challenge, and putting on the baby shows wasn't enough to keep her happy. It is again a shift where baby-proofing becomes a huge deal, and you also look around and realize your space has been taken over by the baby. Baby stuff was everywhere. I was much less depressed, but ready to go back to normal life. Hint - it never happens haha.
16 months
The babies make HUGE growth leaps in this time. Play time becomes much more fun, and suddenly you can start to do things like slightly longer car rides to your favorite food places etc. I realized half my beard had started graying, but oh well. It is what it is.
20 months
Words or babble and more babble and more words ! This is a fun stage where exploration becomes a joint exercise. You find yourself enjoying rediscovering things you had forgotten were so amazing. Swings and parks and baby appropriate bounce houses are common place.
You also look up and realize that you've survived the infant stage and are now dealing with a full blown funny toddler. They are weird, they are emotional, they are fun, they are loving, and they trust you to the edges of the universe and back. This was one of my favorite time periods so far.
Emotionally I realized I was no longer sad I had a kid and I found that being gone from her for too long made me sad. Ugh, you start to feel like a real parent here.
22 months
I love my lil one soo much. I love her so much that I want another. What is wrong with me lmao. The period you hate goes by so quickly if you just hold on and keep your head down.
I'm back to most of my favorite things, albeit with less time to enjoy. I love music for instance so I purchased a headphone amplifier and a 300 pair of headphones so I can enjoy while I work. I have several toys I play with occasionally, but more than anything, I feel whole.
The OP's message?
It gets better! It gets better! And now I can't believe that I'm ready to have another. Those of you in this community that helped me were a God send. I'm happy to be here, and anyone can always reach out if they have questions or just need encouragement.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
This was so nice to read. My husband and I have had a hard couple of weeks and he’s on the 4th attempt at a crib transfer right now. I sent this to him and I think he’ll feel a little Hope after reading it. This s^%$ is harddd.
BigBeard_FPV OP responded:
Hardest s@#$ I've ever done for sure. Tell him I said he's doing an amazing job, and that before he knows it, he will be willingly looking to put the kid to bed and get the kid up...it gets much more fun . More power, more rest, and more life are coming for you both!
My husband and I read your post and just upvoted, I think, because you had already had more comments than could possibly be handled, but I vividly remember reading it and both of us just going ah f%^$ we remember that, it gets better.
We were several months ahead of you at that point and had seen a glimpse of the light already (and stopped patronizing Applebee's takeout ten minutes before closing because we were all still awake driving around to keep her from weeping.
I'm so glad you all made it through, man. It's a rough journey but it's a beautiful one.
BigBeard_FPV OP responded:
Yeh it is so hard. I'm glad there is a light. Life is never the same but I'm not sure we would want it to be. Thank you for the kind words and the like for encouragement 🖤🖤🖤