There are a lot of things you have to navigate when you're living with a partner, but one of the biggest factors is cleanliness. Everyone has a different metric for how clean they want their living space, and likewise, everyone has a different idea of how often they should be doing that work. Coming to a mutual understanding over who does what is essential, but it's easier said than done.
In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a man asked if he was wrong for asking his GF to do all of the cleaning since she doesn't pay rent. He wrote:
I (30M) live with my long-term girlfriend (27F) in a major city. My GF and I live together in a major city to share costs. I only mention this to provide some information about how much rent costs. While we were both working, I paid 60% of the rent and she paid 40%, with the agreement that I would pay for all dates because I make 30% more than she does.
My GF has felt depressed with her career choice, so I suggested that she quit her job and take some classes to gain certifications in a career she would like more. I agreed to pay rent/utilities as well as pay for her classes and give her some spending money (300 dollars a month). I'm lucky in that I work at a good job, so I can eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner for free at work.
I've also worked on additional projects so that I can work more hours in order to support the both of us on my salary alone. For the last 6 months I've clocked in 60+ hours a week. When we were both working, we split chores 50/50. However, I find myself burning out during the week and unable to clean, and on the weekends she wants to spend Saturday on dates, with us cleaning on Sunday together.
We got into a bit of a row because I said that I'm dying and I need a day (Sunday) where I can just be alone or do something with my friends. She said she appreciates my help with her career change, but that since we both live in the apartment, we should both clean.
I don't think it's fair since she's home much more than I am, and I make almost zero mess because I spend 60+ hours a week at work. She said just living in the house creates a mess, and I should help clean it.
How much time is she spending on schoolwork? I'm going to guess it's dramatically less than 60 hours/ week. It's not about the financial contribution but the time difference in what you're doing.
I think you doing nothing around the house isn't fair (as in you should pick up after yourself rather than leaving a mess for her to clean up), but definitely the bulk should fall to her. And having a day to yourself is also totally reasonable. NTA.
And OP responded:
M-F I'm not home from 8:30am to 10pm+ due to commute times and work. The only mess would be towels. She spends minimum 24 hours a week studying.
Edit: I wash my own laundry.
NTA. You added 20 hours to your work week to support her mental state and her school plans, what is she doing to support your burnout? I would say she should do 100% of daily tasks while you take Sundays off and you should help out one Sunday a month with deep cleaning so it wouldn’t be unfair to her either.
IDK how people are voting Y.T.A. here. (small rant inc. assuming OP's statements are correct) might get downvoted but who cares. MF is working his a$$ off 60h a week which is 12h a day since it seems he has Saturdays off. To bang this into your guys' heads that is 7AM to 7PM, probably not including breaks and travel. This is full gas no breaks into burnout, all in support of his girlfriend he loves.
He's covering 100% rent, 100% of her classes, 100% of groceries, 100% of her 300 dollars spending money, 100% of Saturday dates, 100% of random utilities. Which I find to be amazing. And some of you guys are trying to say that it's too much to ask her that in between her 24 hours of actual "busy time" per week she does the cleaning so OP can sit the f#$k down on Sunday and just chill for a f#$king day?
In case that it is in fact poor communication I will go with N.A.H. But I feel like if she's unable to see what the f$%k you're doing in order to support her and all you ask is one day off so you don't burnout in the next 6 months and in return you get "but you make a mess just by living here" NTA. Communicate, if she's not willing to understand, cut her spending money and hire a cleaner I guess.
If you are away all day and you eat at your job then she is the one responsible for all the mess. But even if that wasn't true, it wouldn't hurt her to show her appreciation for your support by making life easier for you. It's frustrating to me that she sees you return home every day at 10pm and yet feels you shouldn't even get 1 day to relax. NTA.
I can't believe some people here are saying INFO and NAH. She is TA. BRO OP WORKS A LOT SO HE CAN SUPPORT HER. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT F#$KING MIND WILL NOT REALIZE THAT I SHOULD TAKE CARE OF OTHER THINGS SINCE OP IS DOING A LOT MORE. He doesn't need to have a convo.
It should come as a realization to herself that if he's not home most of the week he should have his space and she should take care of the house. You lot are insane for saying INFO and NAH. People need to see others sacrifices and be aware. Sometimes things don't need to communicated. Honestly man you lot surprise me. OP you're NTA she is.
I(30M) asked my GF(27F) if we could speak before our date night. I told her that I wouldn't expect her to do 100% of the chores, and that I would continue to do my laundry and do my dishes from Sunday, but I can't do the shared laundry or the other shared chores. She said that's it's still not fair since we both contribute to the mess of the house just by the fact we both live here.
I then suggested that we cut down her allowance and use that money to pay for a cleaner once a week on Sunday so both of us would be free. She didn't complain about the drop in money here, but she said that her cleaning or a cleaner doing it made no real difference because she would want to stay at the house because she couldn't trust a stranger to clean unsupervised because she might steal something.
Basically, I went through a few different situations and in the end, they all resulted in the same answer by her.
So I broke up. I have 5 months left on this place, so I'm just going to transfer the lease over, pay the 5 months, and let her keep anything that's not explicitly mine, such as the PS5, my laptop, etc. Anything shared like the bed or TV she can keep. It doesn't matter. I'll be out in a new place in a week. I'll get a work loan to cover this but it'll be over.
You're giving up a lot of material goods and rent money but at least you can tell people who ask the following: You didn't put GF on the street or send her crying back to her parents. She has 5 months of free housing to figure out how to afford the place on her own or to find a new place. If she cant figure it out after that, thsts on her not you.
Why are you doing this? Pay half the rent for the 5 months, let her manage the rest. Take the shared items with you. Believe me, op, you will regret paying the entire rent and giving her a bunch of free s#$t, after which also she would have cussed you out. Do not do things you will regret.
My man she was not wiling to help an iota. If you are out of rental contract and on a rolling monthly. Give your notice and call it a day. It is very gentlemanly of you to do what you're proposing but honestly i would cut my losses and call it a day.
I think you are being very kind to her. When my friend left her long-term boyfriend, she just packed her personal belongings, her cat and walked out. She signed the house and the mortgage over to him, even though she was entitled to equity, and said she just wanted out. He was a nice guy, but not the partner she wanted for the rest of her life.
She felt that because she was the one who hurt him, she was not going to get every penny she could out of the breakup. As she could afford to do this, I thought she was doing the decent thing. Like her, you can hold your head up as to how you handled this breakup.
It's good OP is breaking up with her, but clear the internet still thinks he's being too easy on her.