'My husband spends 3 hours a day in the bathroom and 'can't help' with our baby.'

"My husband 36M poops too much for me 36F to feel comfortable having another baby with him."

My husband and I have been married for 7 years and together for 11. We have a 3.5 year old. We're having marriage issues for more reasons than I have character limit or time to write all down. In short, I feel he lacks sense of responsibility and proactivity in our relationship. I've been harboring so much resentment especially after our first baby. I'm in therapy to work through it myself.

He has a bathroom habit where he poops every morning during our toddler's wake up, breakfast, drop of time. Every afternoon after lunch. And every evening during bath and bedtime, which precludes him from the hardest and most demanding times of everything day.

Each bathroom session is an hour long (edit: maybe half pooping, half shower time). I also know he can change his timing apparently on command bc when we need to be out and about he somehow finds a way to do it earlier or later or not go at all, though idk how much that affects him.

We both work full time. I am 99% the one to wakes with the baby and get him ready for preschool. He may drive kiddo to school after I've readied him. And I'm the one to get baby bathed and ready for bed most of the time unless I wait for husband and baby goes to sleep usually later than what I'd prefer.

He knows I've been delaying family planning bc of his uncertainties around work (looking to change job) for the last two years. Now that he's finally stabilized in his new role and when I bring up the topic of another baby, he always says it depends on me. My son asks for a baby sister bc all his friends have baby sisters. His response is it depends on mommy. But it doesn't.

The issues (lack of awareness and proactivity and needing me to tell him to do everything or else he just doesn't feel he needs to be involved or present) I have with him from our first baby is still unresolved, and I don't see how I can manage two kids while he's gone for the most busy times of each day.

Yes I also think about if I should even think about having another baby with him. I want to have two kids bc we have limited family in the US, and I want to make sure my son has someone who is family when he gets older. Lets assume I want to keep this relationship...

I asked him to go to doc and talk about his frequent bowel movements and he said he did before and it's normal. I feel like he prioritizes himself and his needs before our family's bc he seems to be able to adjust when he goes, but as a default he seemingly chooses the busiest times of the day to do it.

When I ask him point blank how we're supposed to have a newborn when he's gone for three hours everyday at the most critical times he said his parents can take care of the baby. His parents live two hours drive away. It's not a come over and help once in a while situation. This is a multi year (if not life long) daily need I require from him and his first response is someone else can do it.

It makes me so sad and disappointed that this is his first and only solution. I honestly don't know what he can propose. But I wanted him to see that this unavailability a concern of mine and put in some thought. I can't stop him from pooping. it's not like we have room or I have the will to house his mom for three years to make up for my husbands need to poop. It's not like she wants to live with us for three years either!

And this is just one specific concern, there are plenty of other concerns. Idk how to talk about this concern up without feeling dismissed, but also not making him feel like I won't let him poop?

Additional info: He has hemorrhoids, so BM is not as simple? He refuses to talk more about it. He does have very bad hemorrhoids, and I know he's in pain. And I know he's definitely having a BM. But maybe doesn't need to be those specific times and lengths. The phone is definitely not helping.

Edit: His one hour sessions include a thorough shower after each time too. He feels icky. So maybe 30 each, or 40/20.

This is what people had to say to OP:

ThisHairIsOnFire said:

Buy a signal jammer and hide it in the bathroom. Make it a data dead zone.

MissLexiBlack said:

Weaponized pooping wasn't something I was prepared for today

SaltyLilSelkie said:

He’s not pooping for 3 hours - he’s just avoiding you and the child. He doesn’t want “help” so he’s come up with this excuse as to why he simply must be in the bathroom whenever parenting is required.

He’s not going to change because he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t see why he should have to. Those babies are your job, not his.

And bloodofachillies said:

He isn’t pooping. He is on his phone. But the internet off while he is in there and watch as that poop takes less time.

OP later shared this small update in response to commenters:

I appreciate all the advice on reevaluating the reason I have a second baby. I will pause that thought now. It's just that I've been waiting two years to have this talk for real. And his response was just so hurtful and disappointing... It's not even about his BM anymore as some of you have said.