'AITA for being angry my BF went alone on vacation, met some girls, and stopped communicating?'
"AITA for being angry my BF went alone on vacation, met some girls, and stopped communicating?"
My boyfriend (M36) and I (F33) have been together for 5 years. He recently went on vacation alone for about two weeks, which he does occasionally. However, during the last two days of his trip, he didn't communicate with me at all.
We usually exchange messages every day, so his silence made me feel insecure. Despite this, I decided to respect his space and didn't press further. On the third day, I texted asking if he was coming back that day and if he wanted to have dinner the day after.
When we went out for dinner, even before our food arrived, he told me that he had met up with a friend during his vacation, and they had met two girls. His friend seemed interested in one of them, and he had met these girls right before he stopped communicating with me.
I waited a few minutes to process this and calmly told him that I felt insecure. I mentioned that I found it strange that he hadn't texted me, but I was trying to respect his space, but with this new information about the girls, I didn't know what to think.
He said it didn't make any sense for me to feel that way, and we both remained silent for about 10 minutes while having dinner until he exploded. He said I had no right to feel that way, that it made him feel bad, and that I was being unfairly suspicious.
He also mentioned that situations like this would happen again, and I needed to learn how to deal with it. Without giving me a chance to respond, he got up and went to the bathroom.
I got so angry that in reaction, that I left the restaurant, leaving my food on the table, transferred my share of the dinner to him, and went home. He called once and sent a message saying "come back." I didn't answer.
This happened yesterday, and I don't know what to think. I acknowledge that I shouldn't have left like that and that maybe I shouldn't have been suspicious, but I struggle to express my insecurities because it makes me feel vulnerable. Typically, I keep them to myself and let them pass.
However, I felt that talking about this was the right thing to do, and I didn't like that he downplayed my feelings and told me to deal with similar situations in the future without consideration. AITAH?
Info from OP:
He told me that he felt I was too busy to respond (I usually respond more towards the end of the day because of my job) and that he didn't want to bother me. This has never been a problem before, and I was the last person to send a message without getting a response.
I'm a very independent person, and he is too, so it's something that happens sometimes and I don't see it as something negative. I also like to go on vacation alone, and I think it's an interesting personal experience and if we both respect each other, there's nothing wrong with it. But this particular situation made me uncomfortable, and I don't know what to think about this and his reaction.
cchris_39 writes:
NTA. If he didn’t want you suspicious he shouldn’t have dropped off the grid to go on a two day double date with his friend. How did the friend end up out there anyway? This whole thing is really sketchy.
Conscious_Trip3414 OP responded:
One of the things that makes me wonder if I'm being unfair is that he was the one who openly told me about it. If there were reasons for suspicion, why would he have told me? He's been in an area near where his friend lives and went to meet his friend on the last days, just when this situation happened.
Aggravating-Row-8644 writes:
Reverse the genders and op is an insecure, controlling jerk who ruined his girlfriend's vacation.
Conscious_Trip3414 OP responded:
I agree with the gender bias, but I regarding this I don't think that was fair. I tried not to disturb his vacations even when he stopped responding. I found it weird, but I wasn't going to ask about the days off also, this was after his vacations.
I shouldn't have left the restaurant like that. Not that it excuses my behavior, but I didn't know how to react, not to him saying he'd met the girls, but to not recognizing what I was feeling and that I should "get used to it."
In the moment I felt insecure and uncomfortable. I've felt it before, but my pattern is to say nothing, thinking I might be overreacting. However, I no longer consider that healthy, and I want to be able to communicate openly. It was a challenge for me because I have difficulty admitting to feeling jealous because I feel too vulnerable.
I tried to talk calmly, said I was insecure, and wanted to know what he had to say. But his reaction really upset me, specially after I made an effort to be vulnerable and express how I felt.
stripedmacaron writes:
With one of my exes things like that would happen. I would think something was amok, he would fly into a rage and leave me wondering if I was just a distrustful person. I found out years later that he cheated on me all the time. That was my experience, not saying that's yours. Though now I really trust my gut reaction.
DeadGirlB666 writes:
there’s a reason cheaters get so defensive and try to use your feelings against you making you out to be “crazy”
aussie_nub writes:
I was a bit like "Well, it doesn't necessarily mean anything" until the bit where he exploded into a rage at dinner in a public place. Nope, get out.