Brother disowns sister after 'unforgivable' interaction at mother's funeral. AITA?
"AITAH for distancing myself from my sister because of how she behaved after our mothers death?"
Small-Mobile2910
My parents had four kids counting me (24M) Theres also my older sister (31F) and my younger brother and sister (22M and 20F) Our mother died suddenly last summer, and my older sister ended up being the one planning the funeral and such, we all offered to help but everytime we did we got screamed at. She screamed at us a lot during that week, me in particular.
She also screamed at me for not offering help (After she already screamed at me for offering) crying before the funeral, crying during the funeral, not crying before and after the funeral etc. She wasn't just yelling either, she got personal, saying stuff like "Our dad would be ashamed of you, the oldest son and you're too pathetic to help out."
She'd knock stuff over then bitch at me to pick it up, I'd try and order food, she'd say she wanted nothing, then yell when I got her nothing. Basically, she took every chance she could to berated on me for no reason. I get everyone grieves differently, but I never got an apology, she pretends like it never happened.
I'm not petty about it, but I keep her at arms reach now. She's the only one of us who doesn't live near our hometown, she's a state over, and she suggested coming down for the holiday's.
I shot it down under the guise of everyone still grieving, but really I just didn't want to be around her for Thanksgiving and Christmas, so I told her it was a bad idea, and we all spent the holiday's seperately.
Our younger sister found out why I said that recently, and she says I'm being resentful and holding a grudge. The reason it came up is once again my sister wanted to visit, so I was planning to take some extra hours at work so I'd have an excuse not to see her. My younger sister thinks I should just forget it, but I can't forget a whole week of her berating me like that.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Ok-Reply9552
Nta. F her. She was awful to you and no amount of grief justifies how she treated you. No apology would’ve made it better but she ain’t give that anyways. It’s not petty,it’s not holding a grudge,and it’s not resentful to now want to be around such a toxic person. I would’ve went no contact honestly.
Lopsided_Carrot_
The ideal thing to do would be talking calmly though it. However I understand that in this certain situation emotions can be high for everyone. IMO there is no good enough excuse to treat others poorly no matter how much you're hurting. It is reasonable to want an apology.
If you feel like you would be able to direct the conversation calmly I would let her know that how she treated you really hurt you and made your process of grieving much harder which is giving you an aversion now to meet up.
If you think this conversation will however be explosive I think its ok to stay apart for a little while longer and take your space until waters have calmed down. You are very young still and I think you're dealing with this situation well.
The OP responded here:
Small-Mobile2910
At this point I don't really see any point to repairing anything. I think I can live with the two of us just being the kind of family you say two words to a year.
l3ex_G
Nta, grief isn’t an excuse to treat someone badly. She took out her sadness and anger out on you and that isn’t okay. You aren’t a punching bag and you didn’t have to accept the abuse.
Nebula924
NTA Younger sister is pushing because she doesn’t want to loose her meat shield.
Because all your siblings stepped in to tell 31F to knock it off, right…?
247Justice
You can distance yourself from one sister without having to explain it to the other one. Just don't be available. If you're wanting to prove some point or get some message across, just use your words.
goffeclese
NTA. You are definitely not at fault for not wanting to be around her after she treated you like that. I will say that it doesn’t help to repair things by just avoiding it. I do get that it is still kinda fresh, which is why I don’t think you are in the wrong here, but if this ends up continuing to bother you, then I would communicate it to your sister. You can be direct and still be respectful in how you state things.
Just say how you feel and if she tries to make it sound like you are attacking her, just reiterate that you were grieving too and it didn’t help that everything you did ended up with her yelling at you and being mad and that if she is just going to act like she did nothing wrong, then that will impact your relationship going forward. Just direct and to the point. Hope this helps.
PuzzleheadedTap4484
People respond to death differently, especially if it was sudden. That doesn’t excuse her behavior but I think you should let her know how you feel and then distance yourself.
I don’t blame you for distancing yourself either but she may not “get it” by you just distancing and then it’s turned around on you. She obviously needs therapy for her anger issues. Maybe you explaining how she treated you, she’ll understand why you’re distancing yourself. Then see if she gives you a genuine apology.