Widow's family outraged that she is dating again after husband's death. AITA?
Losing a spouse is a devastating, world-shattering experience.
One woman wonders if she was wrong to try to move on and start dating again after her husband's death. She felt that it was time, but her family was absolutely livid when they found out she was seeing other men.
AITA for not giving my family a heads-up that I'm dating again after my husband's death?
My (45F) husband ('Tim') and I married right out of college. We had a very happy first decade of marriage, including having two children ('Luke' and 'Beth'), who are now 21M and 19F.
However, when in our 30s, Tim developed severe depression and substance use disorder (alcohol and painkillers). His depression was treatment-resistant and that made him unable to fight his other addictions.
Despite numerous inpatient psychiatric stays, and several stints in rehab, he passed away of an overdose 5 years ago, at age 40. We don't know, and will likely never know, if the overdose was accidental or intentional.
After Tim's passing, I was 100% focused on helping our children be as okay as possible. Despite his demons, he was a great dad when he was able to be, and losing him was completely devastating for all of us.
Lots of individual and family therapy helped, and Luke was able to graduate from high school with high honors and get a college scholarship (out of state). Beth graduated last year with similar honors and is also now in college, several states away.
With both Luke and Beth now adults and away from home, I can finally focus more on myself. It took me a long time (at least 3 years) after Tim's passing before I could even think about wanting to date again.
Then for the next year I was focused on getting Beth through her last year of high school and off to college. However, once she went off to school in the fall I started to dip my toe into dating apps.
It's been slow going; I've probably had a dozen or so dates total, mostly first dates that didn't go anywhere. There was one guy I went out with 4 times, but we decided not to continue as we weren't feeling a more-than-friendship spark.
So, here's where the problem is - last week, a cousin of Tim's saw me out on a date - she was in town for business and just happened to be at the same restaurant.
She made a bit of a scene (coming up to the table and demanding to know what I was doing and that I was betraying my husband - which really confused the gentleman I was out with). She then stormed out and, apparently, called Tim's parents, who then called Luke and Beth.
Now everyone is furious at me because I hadn't given a heads-up that I was starting to date again. My thought was - I don't need to give the play-by-play on my dating life, especially when it might be hurtful - I figured that if I actually started seeing someone regularly, I would let folks know, but until then there didn't seem to be anything to tell.
Especially as Tim's parents live across the country and Luke and Beth are away at college. However, everyone involved (Tim's cousin, his parents, my kids, and assorted other relatives and friends who now know) say I am a huge AH for not telling people in advance that I was moving on.
So, AITA here? (Not asking if IATA for dating at all; I've been a widow for five years! Just if I am the AH for letting people find out without a proactive heads-up.)
Here is the general reaction from readers:
NTA. You are a grown woman with a right to a life and privacy. You owe no one the details of your life, not even your adult kids. Your cousin is a huge AH for the scene she made. Am sure everyone still feels the loss of your husband but that doesn’t mean they get to dictate how you live your life now. Well done for being brave. Keep going.
Listen u/Mountain_Tomato_566 I assume you are second guessing yourself because of the uproar surrounding you. Do not continue doing this. You mourned your husband truly and deeply, and your mourning period was not short by any means.
If people expected a heads up, that was an error in assumption on their part. Can you imagine how it might go if someone in your shoes announced to the extended family chat every time you scheduled coffee or a movie with a potential date!?!
That would be utterly ridiculous. They are allowed to feel raw about their loved ones passing, but taking it out on you in the form of misplaced harassment is not okay in the slightest. NTA
NTA. Their misguided ownership over your private life is mistaken. The only people you have any obligation to communicate anything with is your children--and even that is a courtesy, not to ask permission.
I’d probably give the kids a general, “Hey, I’m going to try dating again. I’ll let you know if anything looks like it’s going to go somewhere.” It would allow them to absorb the idea before you got serious about someone.
The rest of them can go F off. They are not entitled to any information at all. NTA
I wouldn't call you an AH but I personally would give my children a heads up it'll be an adjustment but they'll need time too. I understand it is your life and you owe nobody an explanation but out of respect for your kids IMO you should have told them (not ask permission or anything like that).
It seems very likely that this strong of a response is coming from people's grief being abruptly brought back up, and not actual upset or malice towards you. That doesn't excuse it, especially as it's been hurtful and stressful to you, but it's also very likely they will cool off with time.
NTA. It has been FIVE YEARS. Your loss was terrible- I’m so sorry for what you’ve all been through - but you deserve to have companionship and romance back in your life. You put your kids first and made sure they were okay.
It is absolutely okay for you to focus on your needs now and it’s more than okay for you to keep your private life private while you explore that area of it. Your late husband’s family had no business expecting to be told about your dating and they had no right to tell your children.