Man 'shocked' to discover wife's plot to 'take kids away' from friend's cheating ex.

When a husband caught his wife doing something he found completely unethical, she refused to see the error of her ways. So, he came to Reddit's AITA forum to find out if she's right, or if he's actually the a-hole.

'Am I the A-hole for telling my wife to mind her own business?'

stayoutofitaita writes:

My wife (37F) and I (38M) moved to a new neighborhood about 3 years ago with our 2 kids (8 & 6). Our neighbors across the street have 2 kids (9 & 7) that our kids quickly became friends with.

We would hang out with the parents as well and my wife became close friends with the mom. The dad and I got along fine, but never got as close as my wife and the mother.

Unfortunately, about a year ago, the parents separated and the mom filed for divorce. Apparently, the dad had an affair. The mom moved out, as the house was owned by the dad before they got married. She took the kids with her.

According to my wife, the mom tried to get full custody of the kids, but the dad asked for and was granted partial custody. So he has the kids 3 weekends a month, the rest of the time they stay with their mom.

I've only very briefly talked with the dad about the whole thing as he obviously feels a lot of shame about the affair, and we aren't close enough for me to feel I can ask deep questions about it.

The kids all still play together when they can. I noticed my wife would make it a point to make sure our kids invited them over to our house.

I also noticed that my wife was asking the neighbor kids some pretty odd and honestly rather intrusive questions about their dad. Like if he has 'friends' over at his house when they are there. What he feeds them, what rules he has at home, do they feel safe there, etc.

This past weekend the kids were at our house for dinner and my wife asked the kids if they like hanging out with their dad or mom more.

That's not something you ask a kid unless you're a judge.

I cut in before the kids could answer and changed the subject to watching a movie after dinner. As my wife and I were cleaning up, I asked her what the hell all the questions are about.

She said that her friend is still trying to get full custody of their kids and she asked my wife if she would keep an eye out for anything that she could use to build the case against the dad.

I was shocked. I told her that's none of our business and she needs to stay out of it.

I told her it seems like her friend is still upset about the affair and is using that anger as justification to try and take the kids away from their father. I told her that neither of us has ever seen a single thing to indicate that this guy is a bad father.

Sure, he had an affair and that makes him a bad husband, but that has zero influence on his ability to be a good loving father.

I told her what her friend asked to do her was gross and the fact that she's going along with it is something that I strongly disagree with. I told her she needs to mind her own business.

She said she's just trying to look out for her friend and she's trying to make sure that the kids end up in a situation that is best for them. I told her that essentially spying on our neighbor is not her responsibility and she's definitely in the wrong for asking the kids the kind of questions she is. She feels she's completely justified, but I do not.

Here's what Reddit had to say...

Comments include OP's responses!

The-Answer-Is-57 posts:

NTA (Not the a-hole) .Using the kids as pawns in a divorce is wrong. And that's what your wife is doing on behalf of her friend. Ask her how she'd feel if someone asked your kids those kinds of questions. Ugh!

Being there for her friend is one thing. But grilling the kids with an agenda of uncovering 'dirt' on their dad should be off the menu. And don't think that the kids won't notice the odd questions and eventually say something to their dad about it. Your wife's friend may just find that it all backfires directly on her and affects her custody situation in a negative way.

Thisisjustsillyok says:

NTA. This is gross. The dad is a horrid person for cheating and should have given up the house for the non-cheating spouse in the divorce. Yes, I personally believe in stiff punishments in divorce court for cheaters. He also must not feel that bad if he made her move out instead of him moving out. I don't care who owned the house first.

HOWEVER, that doesn't stop his right to partial custody. And the ex wife shouldn't have spies on the kids. They'll never be able to trust anyone this way.

I do agree with having the kids over at your house instead of his, though. I wouldn't want my kids spending time around a known cheater, mostly because I wouldn't want any hurtful words about their divorce coming out. But your wife is doing that in your home as well. She's causing the unhealthy situation.

OP responds:

I don't think he made her do anything. She found out about the affair, took the kids and left. Not like he kicked her and the kids out. Given the brief conversations I've had with him about the situation, he doesn't want to talk about it. So I doubt he's saying much of anything at home about it to his kids. In my opinion, I'd rather have my kids over there than have my wife asking them leading questions.

TheGeier rebutts:

Not wanting to talk about it with you doesn’t mean he won’t say shit just in front of the kids! Regardless your wife is 1000% out of line. I don’t blame her for not wanting kids to be around a known cheater, he really shouldn’t have any custody. But it’s not her business and she especially shouldn’t drag kids into it.

And OP says:

Something about your comment makes me think you wouldn't feel the same way if the mom was the cheater.

So, what do you think?

It's clear OP's wife is overstepping, but is OP being too easy on the dad?