'AITA for asking to split divorce costs even though I cheated? We're both to blame.'
"AITAH for asking to split the cost of the divorce?"
peachymimi4
A little back story. My ex and I were together for about 5 years and married for 3 years. I found him on dating app multiple times talking to girls like he was single. I caught him on snapchat multiple times too and found videos. He sweared he never cheated and never had any intimacy with any of them, but it’s hard to believe.
Anyway, on top of that, he never paid any bills and was barely working. He never moved in with me as he promised either, even though we were married. He said it was because he wanted to stay with his mom.
I tried to leave so many times, but I loved him and he was gaslighting me so hard. I felt like I couldn’t leave. During that time I met someone at work, and I had an affair. This was what pushed me to break up with him. I had never cheated before and it felt like the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. So, I broke up with him.
He found out a few months later that I cheated. I felt so bad. I apologized and we tried to make our relationship work one more time, but nothing changed. So, I broke up with him again a few months later and asked for divorce.
He never answered any of my emails about the divorce and I received a text from his mom saying that he doesn’t want any contact with me and she’ll be handling the divorce. Which is ridiculous. But whatever, I just wanna be done with it.
Fast forward to yesterday. I sent her the divorce forms that I completed for her to review before I file, and I checked the box “both parties will split the court cost” and she unchecked the box, and checked the one that says “the plaintiff will pay all the cost” and left a note saying “it’s more reasonable for you to pay all the cost.”
Since I cheated and I asked for the divorce, she thinks her son is just a victim and I ruined the whole marriage. I know I messed up and I did to him what he’s been doing to me for years and it has been the biggest mistake of my life. We both are responsible for the failure of this marriage and I don’t think it’s fair for me to pay the whole amount.
Especially because I’ve been financially responsible for years. He never helped with anything, on top of everything else he did to me. So am I the a-hole for wanting to split the cost even though I cheated and want the divorce? We’re doing an agreed divorce and no lawyers are involved. Please be kind. Thanks for reading.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Tacos-and-zonkeys
YTA for wanting him to pay for half the costs, but you can't get blood from a stone. He has never paid for anything, and there is no reason to believe that he will suddenly start doing so now.
Just pay the fee and get this person out of your life. It is worth it.
demon803
NTA, This sounds like a marriage that never was, all parties caused this marriage to end, all parties should pay.
hausofmc
Honestly, is it really worth the aggravation to die on the hill of splitting the cost if it’s just a straightforward divorce? You throw lawyers at this and I promise it will get more expensive and messy than if you just eat the cost.
Who you marry isn’t who you divorce on both sides, I’ve seen plenty to people prolong their misery and waste their money just try to prove a point that isn’t even important in the long run. It’s done, wipe your mouth and move on.
thesweeterpeter
NAH. I'm only commenting on the question of splitting the costs, the divorce itself is another matter and of no consequence to what I'm saying on the title question. You're NTA for asking, that's a totally reasonable thing to want. But he, nor his "agent" are also NTA for refusing.
It appears you were the primary breadwinner in the marriage, and you are the plaintiff, so why wouldn't it be reasonable for them to ask you to take the costs? Divorce is typically an adversarial process, so it's a little bit of yta for thinking this was going to be so smooth. In terms of the relationship - holy shit, you need like 3 other posts on that train wreck.
notforcommentinohgoo
ESH although on this single issue, I agree costs should be split.
Now go get a lawyer.
He_Who_Is_Person
Yes. ESH.
"So am I the a-hole for wanting to split the cost even though I cheated and want the divorce? We’re doing an agreed divorce and no lawyers are involved."
You both cheated. "Mommy, he started it" isn't an argument. He wronged you and you chose to wrong him.