'AITA for telling my ex-husband's mother he was lying about our divorce?'
"AITA for telling my ex-husband's mother he was lying about our divorce?"
Justthrowaway100
Me (38F) and my ex (37M) got divorced about 3 years ago. We have 2 children (9M and 4M) who we share custody of. The divorce was caused by two things. Me finding him in our bed with another woman, and the fact that his reaction upon me kicking her out and getting upset with him was to pick up our nightstand lamp and smashing it.
During the divorce there was a stalking problem I'm not going to get into, and we ended up getting court mandated counseling when it started clearly affecting our sons. Counseling ended up helping, and after the mandated period was over he decided to find a therapist closer to his home and set up regular sessions.
We spend holidays together so our sons can have their entire family around, so with Thanksgiving coming up we all get together and decide to host at my house.
While our kids are out getting some quality grandparent time with my parents, me, my brother, Ex, and MiL are sitting around and chatting to relax a bit and the conversation turns from the holiday season to our sons and to our divorce. My MiL mentions that it's nice seeing us still being civil instead of at eachothers throats, and Ex mentions that talking about it helped.
I initially think he's talking about therapy, as I'm sure anyone would, but then he starts talking about it further. According to him, we just didn't mesh well together as spouses and we both grew miserable in the relationship. When he saw it was upsetting our sons he took it upon himself to start the discussion. After a very long and difficult conversation, we both decided divorce is the best option.
He then tells his mother that he was lucky our talk had been peaceful instead of a mess like online stories. I admittedly wasn't thinking, and mentioned how I wouldn't say cheating on me and then trying to knock me out was peaceful, but that I was glad he had such an optimistic view of it.
His mother lost it on him a bit while me and brother just dipped for a while, and afterwards my ex pulled me aside to tell me that it wasn't right for me to tell his mom about what happened and air his dirty laundry. That he had apologized and changed and was still actively trying to get better, and that it hurt to know I was still upset with him over a mistake that happened years ago.
My brother said that he understood where I was coming from and agrees with me, but that it was a bit of a ahole move to tell his mom during a holiday instead of simply pulling him aside and talking to him about it, especially since we'd all be under the same roof for a few days.
No one told my parents or the kids what happened when they finally got back, but I'm not naive enough to believe they haven't noticed that something had happened.
Here were the top rated comments from users:
pragya1002
NTA. Not a fucking chance in this world that you should have to feel a little bit of sympathy for that. He didn’t just give two shits about marriage while fucking someone in YOUR BED, YOUR HOME. And had the audacity to have a reaction and physically abused you. He assaulted you, in YOUR HOME.
Not sure what kind of a father he is, but his family should be aware about his deeds. And why this marriage is not working out anymore. It’s not about dirty laundry, he made those choices consciously. My husband has never raised his voice at me once even when I’m wrong. Good relationships are possible don’t let this stupid shitty world have you feel otherwise.
He just wants to have a perfect picture in his family and friend’s eyes like some men would like to have. Because hiding your shit becomes easier that way. Again NTA. Please don’t feel bad.
PaddyCow
Not only did he lie by omission to being a cheater and abuser, he had the audacity to pretend he was the one who recognised the problem and took positive, proactive steps to end the marriage on good terms. What a giant ahole.
Op your brother is wrong. You were completely right to let his mother know exactly what he is capable of. Arrrgh. I'm so pi$$ed off on your behalf! At least MIL was also pi$$ed off and didn't try to defend her precious baby like so many do.
PrestigiousTrouble48
He actively lied right in front of your face to make himself look better. He had 1000 choices of how to admit fault and he chose to blatantly lie. He 100% deserved to be called out on his behaviour. And I don’t think therapy is actually helping if he is lying about where the blame belongs.
FairyPenguinStKilda
NTA - total legend.
Do not let this gaslighting POS try that BS on anyone.
And it shows that therapy did not work.
CarpeCyprinidae
NTA honest conversation requires honest context. Your ex-MIL was silently judging you for the breakup because she didnt know that.
Listen_2learn
His mother is lucky she isn’t spending thanksgiving visiting him in prison - for aggravated assault and stalking?! The fact that you have come so far as to be able to speak to him with civility and spend holidays together is unbelievable!
He sat there and lied to his mother and now she knows the truth that she should have been told when it all happened. He’s had plenty of time to do this and the way he tried to spin the facts is a sign that he’s in need of more therapy. YWNBTA ever.