'AIO by filing for divorce after my wife withdrew her application for divorce?'
"AIO by filing for divorce after my wife withdrew her application for divorce?"
confusingmarriagespy
My wife and I are getting divorced. After our son was born about a year ago fighting and bickering started relentlessly. My wife asked for divorce and I told her that I will give her divorce but first she needs to attend therapy because I thought she was having PPD symptoms. Irrational outbursts, hormonal rage etc etc.
She actually agreed to go but unfortunately, I let her get a therapist herself and she chose an incompetent woman. That woman filled her head against me. She told her to plan the divorce behind my back and make me feel like things are improving in the marriage.
4 months after going to therapy, I was served divorce papers. She was very confrontational about it when I asked her why didnt she just talk to me. I quit trying to talk to her and decided that what she did was not only stupid but crazy disrespectful.
In a month I moved out of my house and by next month I got a call that my wife has withdrawn the application for divorce. So I contacted my lawyer and filed one myself.
My wife called me and wanted to talk but I dont really want to do that. So I didn't. Then my MIL called and said she had intensive talks with my wife and my wife has realized that she made a huge mistake and that therapist was no good to her.
That she egged her on and made her feel like I am a bad person. I thanked her and told her that I want a divorce anyway. I actually quite like my MIL, she raised my wife alone after her father died when she was 2.
She is sweet, helpful and reliable. So I did let her come to my house and talk to me. I understand her perspective but I want to divorce either way. There is a limit to what I can tolerate and filing for divorce behind my back was a bridge too far.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
morbidnerd
"unfortunately, I let her get a therapist herself and she chose an incompetent woman"
Yikes, dude. Get the divorce.
MidwestMSW
Therapist here. A bad therapist can ruin your relationship faster than they will ever be able to heal it. That said a therapist can only work with the picture the client paints which is why every so often I try to bring partners in one time a 3-6 month period to make sure the information I'm receiving is good.
OrangeHopper
I think you should take some time and talk to your wife. I understand how you feel, and I'm not saying that you'll definitely change your mind, but I think you should take some time to discuss these things with her.
Stuff happens, and people can be influenced by bad ideas from others. Don't let it ruin your life and hers. I really really really advise you to take this slow, talk to your wife, and REALLY think it through. Then, once you've thought about it a LOT, think about it more. Seriously. Do not rush this.
coreysgal
Personally, since you thought she had PPD, you should have encouraged her to see her Dr and you should have gone with her. As far as therapy, my husband had undiagnosed bi polar. He did a ton of crazy stuff.
He went to a therapist who, of course, was only hearing one side of the story. When I was invited in for a session, the therapist discussed all the concerns he had about MY behavior.
When I asked about my husband's rages and infidelity, the therapist had no idea what I was talking about. We went to a marriage counselor after that. While I understand that you feel betrayed in some way, you need to understand that your wife's therapist was giving one-sided thoughts based on what your wife told her.
Since you have a child, and she is now acknowledging her faults, I would recommend you put your pride in your pocket and see a marriage counselor before divorcing. If it doesn't work, that's fine, but you should at least try your best to save your relationship.
Right now, your anger is really based on hurt, but that hurt is nothing compared to how you'll feel down the road when a divorce limits your daily contact with a child who adores you.
Proof_Leadership_370
I'm sorry, but is anyone else weirded out by how he said "I ALLOWED her to choose her own therapist"? Some of the wording he uses strikes me as red flags.
Endor-Fins
I’m super uncomfortable with the language you are using here and I’m very curious about your wife’s side of the story. You said you “let her choose her own therapist and she chose wrong”.
This raises an eyebrow for control issues for me big time. Most people don’t choose their partner’s therapist for them. I have a feeling there is way more to this story than you are telling.
ProcessorProton
At the risk of getting attacked by all the man-haters I'm going to say something that should not be controversial but just accepted as the reality it is. Post Pregnancy Hormonal issues are real...and some women, in some cases have serious emotional issues and even depression after a baby is delivered.
This is a very real and known struggle and it is not in any way a slam on women or derogatory. It is simply something that needs to be understood for what it is. While I certainly can't say this is why your wife did what she did you should not dismiss the possibility that it was not her...but a combination of her therapist and her post partum hormonal issues that cause her choices.
It might be a sign that this is the case because she 'came to her senses' and revoked the divorce of her own accord months later. I think that far, far too often people jump to divorce when the courageous and right thing to do is be adults and strong men and women and fight for the marriage by working through the problems and dealing with them.
I encourage you to 'come to your senses' and not throw away a woman who has clearly communicated to you that she regrets her actions, believes she did wrong in filing for divorce, and wants to stay married to you. You have a son. Don't so quickly force him to grow up in a broken home. At least make an effort to salvage your marriage and rebuild.
jhsoxfan
You yourself are placing the blame on a bad therapist for turning your wife against you and encouraging her to file for divorce. Now you've made it clear the error of her ways and she has literally demonstrated through action of withdrawing the divorce filing that she recognizes her error as well.
This is a bid for reconciliation on her part. If you truly believe her therapist was the main at fault party for driving her filing for divorce in the first place then I think you are overreacting and should make an attempt at reconciliation via couples therapy (with a therapist you both agree on and don't be afraid to switch therapists if one or both of you is having issues with them after a few sessions).
If you really don't want any reconciliation then there is no point in trying. But as an outside observer it sounds like your wife is making a good faith attempt at reconciliation and trying to make amends for her downfalls as you point them out to her.
From going to individual therapy when asked, to realizing you were right about it being an error on her part to go along with her therapist's suggestion of blindsiding you with divorce papers.
This is messy as many troubled relationships are but to me it seems like it could be worth saving if you're willing to match her efforts in saving it and accept her attempts to rectify mistakes that she has made or been mislead to make by her therapist.