Stepdad yells at stepson, says to stop comparing him to his 'bum' dad. AITA?
Stepparenting is a delicate balancing act.
It is difficult to remain civil when talking about an ex partner who hurt your current one. Helping children to have a relationship with each biological parent is tricky and sometimes unattainable. One stepdad was frustrated after trying to be a good support system for his stepson who continued to ridicule him.
AITA for telling my stepson to stop talking about his dad?
My wife and I got married last summer. I have a son (14) and a daughter (12) with my ex-wife and my wife has a son (7) with her ex-husband. We all moved in together in late 2021. My kids get along great with their stepbrother and they adore me wife.
I have had a trickier time bonding with my stepson. We have my kids every other week and my stepson goes to his dads every other weekend.
My stepson is a massive daddy's boy. His dad takes him on some kind of 'adventure' every weekend they're together. He is always talking about what he is going to do with his dad or what he and his dad did at the weekend. Which is annoying but fine.
However, recently he keeps comparing me to his dad. Saying things his dad would do differently or telling me his dad can do something so I should be able to too.
Last weekend we went camping, which is something we've not really done before as a family. When it came to building a campfire my stepson started complaining I was doing it wrong (I was following a YouTube tutorial) and tried to interfere with what I was doing.
Then he said 'how are you a man but don't even know how to make a fire' before going on to talk about how his dad could light a fire with a stick. I was already stressed about the whole weekend and I ended up snapping at him and telling to shut up about his dad.
Obviously, I was in the wrong for snapping. After finishing the fire I went to apologize to him and let him know I was in the wrong for talking to him like that. I did however, reaffirm that I would like it if he stopped talking about his dad so much.
Later in the week he must has said something to my wife about not being allowed to mention his dad. She is now mad at me for having this discussion with him even though I know she finds it annoying as well.
In truth I have always felt self conscious about my wife's ex-husband as he is very stereotypically masculine guy (ex-marine) and I'm the opposite. My wife's sister called me an 'over correction' to my face a few months into dating.
It's also frustrating to see how much my stepson idolises his dad when he doesn't know how much his dad hurt his mom. He cheated on her, was abusive, and continued to financially abuse her post separation.
His dad has refused to have any more custody time with his son and even when we went on our honeymoon last year he sent his son to his moms rather than look after him himself.
I know how much it hurts my wife to see her son favor his dad when he does the bare minimum as a father and damaged her so badly. AITA for suggesting he stops talking about his dad so much?
It is a tricky situation but here are some of the reactions people had:
Don’t tell him to stop talking about his dad, tell him not to COMPARE you to his dad. There is a difference.
A seven year old boy doesn’t come up with these harsh criticisms and comparisons on his own. His father is carefully training his son to embrace toxic masculinity, too. When the boy said, how are you a man but don’t even know how to make a fire, it was very clear that his father planted both the thoughts and words in his son.
Left unchecked, this kid will likely be nightmare as a teenager. Keep an eye on how he treats his mother, too.
Left unchecked, the kid will become a nightmare teenager, but also, if you tell a 7yo he's not allowed to talk about his dad, who is clearly somebody he loves and respects a lot, you're taking away your ability to actually check his behaviour.
Now, every time OP tries to reasonably and rationally deal with things the kid says that are definitely a problem is probably going to be met with hostility.
It's a really hard situation, and I fully believe the dad is doing this on purpose, but OP's behaviour here was a misstep.
A 7 year old asking his step father “ how are you a man” is completely inappropriate. If your wife didn’t seek to address that. I think you have a bit of a problem
YTA. It's not your place to talk like that to your wife's son. She's the parent and you need to butt out and suck it up. Apologise to your stepson for being out of line about his dad and ask him to show you how to light a fire.
Your relationship with your stepson is very tenuous.and it's not a good idea to judge and compare with the relationship your wife has with your own kids. He's allowed to idolise his dad and he should quite rightly not have any idea of the toxic relationship between his parents.
Are you trying to be a second dad when the boy needs a friend or an uncle?
YTA! Basically you're DEEPLY insecure of the man that created the son with your now wife, that's just something you will have to get over and live with! Glad your wife told you off!!!
Yeah YTA. And if his dad is as bad as you say, you may have created more trouble down the line when the kid tells his dad you told him not to talk about dad because the kid is unlikely to explain the context to his dad as you have here.