Mom hides ex's cheating after divorce, kids figure it out, feel betrayed. CONCLUDED
'AITA for not telling my kid's the real reason why me and their father divorced YEARS AGO'
I f35 have two teenage daughters (18 and 16) with my ex-husband (37). We were together until my daughter's we're 8 and 10 when I found out my husband had been cheating on me for almost three years.
Before finding out, I had already checked out of the relationship because while he was out with other women I had to do 100% of the child care plus work a full-time job so I never had time to myself. We did try to make it work, but I just didn't love him anymore, so in the end, we divorced. We split everything down the middle.
We both had 50/50 custody since he started shaping up into a decent father. We both decided that we would never tell our children the real reason because I wanted my daughters to have a good and healthy relationship with their dad.
My ex-husband did end up marrying the girl he cheated on me with, but I harbored no hard feelings. I just wanted her to treat my girls right. Fast-forward to now, My ex-husband and his wife have two sons (7 and 5) and I'm married to my husband (40) and I'm currently 6 months pregnant with another girl.
We all get along well, and there are no hard feelings towards anybody. Sometimes, when I take my girls out, I take their brothers, and when my husband and I need alone time, they will take the girls.
Recently, my daughters started putting together the pieces using their 7-year-old brother's birth date and when my and their father's divorce was finalized. Their father and I didn't know they were doing this but we did think it was weird that they asked us about our divorce until yesterday, both of my daughters confronted me when I came home from work.
I did try to deny it, but in the end, I told them what happened. They asked me why I didn't tell them, and I said because it was none of their business what happened in a previous marriage. Everyone is happy, and that's what matters.
This caused a big fight from them claiming it was their business, and now they are upset with me but also have been ignoring their father, which is hurting him and his family. AITAH?
Edit: A lot of you guys are saying that my girls aren't dumb and they would've found out. They aren't, but I didn't think they would try to go in depth of what happened in me and their father's marriage. The reason for the divorce was always that we just didn't love each other anymore, but we loved them.
Another edit: I'm not trying to tell my girls how to feel at all. I just don't want them to have the thought in their head. 'What if my dad didn't cheat? Maybe they would still be together. ' Which isn't true.
I want them to understand that regardless of if their dad was faithful, we would've divorced. We were young, and we thought that you were supposed to marry the person you had kids with. Of course, we loved each other, but as we grew older, we realized we just had different plans for life.
My ex and I did decide that we would sit them down later today and have a chat.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
As a counselor (who admitted doesn’t do a lot of marriage work) one thing that I think you’re missing is that it is their business, at least emotionally. When we love someone we don’t want them to be hurt and betrayed. They obviously feel that dad hurt and betrayed you.
It’s also their business because maybe they were unhappy with the divorce and now know dad broke up the family. Maybe validate them loving you, but explain your healing process and why you value their relationship with their father.
NTA.. Still the girls are entitled to their feelings and the reactions they translate into.
Further, do you think that the fact that you grew up without your father could be influencing how you are experiencing your daughters concerns?
Soft Yta for dismissing their feelings now. I understand why you didn’t tell them but now that they know stop acting like they should just get over it. They could be upset at the life they “could have had” and the betrayal of the family by their father.
You and your ex should try and help them process their emotions and not just stomp it down because you think everyone is happy with the outcome.
NTA It would’ve helped no one for the girls to know what really happened. They were pretty crummy to come to you to verify what they already knew by counting months. They should have confronted their dad.
Reiterate that your goal was always for everyone to get along as well as possible. Remind them that exactly nothing has changed in the family except that they now know their dad is flawed. Your ex needs to talk to them in person and answer their questions honestly.
NTA - the girls are just lashing out, they need to understand that at 8 and 10 years old then this really had nothing to do with them, and they wouldn't have understood anyway and it was better that they were shielded from any potential nastiness issues etc.
Everyone gets on now, everyone is happy - they are just having trouble dealing with what they perceive as 'the family secret' which is bigged up in their eyes only. Give them some time to get over it, they will but YOU did nothing wrong in this.
One day later, the OP returned with an update.
'Update - AITA for not telling my kid's the real reason why me and their father divorced YEARS AGO'
Hello, I decided to write an update, even though it's quite long.
Today, my ex-husband, me, and the girls were supposed to have a family chat but he had a family emergency concerning his wife because she had twisted her ankle at her 7-year-old son's soccer game (I hope she feels better).
Anyway, they were understandably upset and took this as another sign that he was putting his new family over them. I didn't say anything and instead, let them vent, and I comforted them. From what my ex-husband is saying we would have to wait another time to have this conversation all together. Regardless I still wanted to talk to my girls tonight.
At first, it was incredibly awkward and the air was filled with tension. I could feel that they didn't trust me and it hurt because it's my fault. I started talking and I first apologized for telling them that it wasn't their business.
I reassured them that everything that happened in their home was their business and I was truly sorry for making them feel like they didn't matter because they were the most important things that ever happened to me.
At this point, my 16-year-old started to cry a bit which made me start to cry because I know the news was a lot for her. I ended up telling them the reason why I kept it for so long because I wanted them to have a good relationship with their dad and I didn't want them to worry about adult matters so young especially when they already had a lot going on.
I told them I just wanted to shield them from anything that could hurt them which I then apologized for because, in the end, it was wrong and they deserve to know.
I told them from now on I was gonna be more open to any questions they had about me and their father's marriage. I also explained that I wouldn't tell them how they should move on when it comes to their dad and I would support them if they needed time away from them.
I did tell them that any anger that they have towards their dad and stepmom, they should never take out on their brothers. They said that they still loved their brothers but they just didn't wanna see their dad or stepmom right now.
I asked them how they felt and they are understandably upset and felt like they were easily replaceable which broke my heart. I told them that their father has a lot to work on but they can always count on me and they could never be replaceable to me.
At this point, we were all crying while we were hugging. They ended up asking how I felt and I was truthful. I told them I was confused and I didn't know how to feel. By this point, we were quiet. My 16-year-old was laying her head on my belly while my 18-year-old was resting her head on my shoulder.
I am gonna try to get my 18-year-old back into therapy. They do want to cut off their dad and stepmom as a lot of you guys suspected but they are afraid they won't see the boys anymore which may be true.
Regardless, my husband and I are 100% there for them. I'm very thankful for all the advice given! I was being completely selfish which ended up hurting everyone even more. I don't know if I will make another upset because I'm 80% sure the family talk with my ex-husband will not happen.
Here were the top rated comments after this concluding update:
Man, I know that a twisted ankle could be bad enough to be unable to walk or drive and it's not like their 7-year-old could take care of his mom, but the dad missing this conversation is the worst possible move. Like, galactically bad, call in a favor from a friend or an in-law, do anything to not have it go that way bad. Oof.
The OP responded:
Yeahhhhhh that was a MASSIVE oof. Like wow. A part of my cynically wonders if he was just trying to avoid the conversation. Which was a dumb move because it makes him look even worse.
I won't be surprised if he turns nasty when he hears the girls want to keep some distance from him and his wife, and starts blaming OP, like saying she turned them against him.
Dude had it too good for too long, imo. He's going to be mad. And not a reasonable anger either. I met this guy a dozen times. He steps out, and expects the world to stop for him.
No judgment on OP, she seems like a solid person and great mom; but her kindness did enable and embolden him to keep the lies going. But all it did was make the truth hurt that much more.
I really get a feeling that things weren't as sunshine and rainbows as the mom believed. If they felt abandoned and replaced, I doubt that materialized after finding out about an affair. Taking a rain check on a talk that's important to them when they're both spiraling kind of highlights that point, too.
You know, current advice is to shield your kids from the harsh realities of divorce and in most ways that is probably good. Kids should not be mediators; kids should not be therapists; kids should not be used as weapons against one of their parents.
That said, the truth usually comes out, so giving kid friendly versions of events with bigger revelations as warranted (hopefully with the guidance of a therapist) is going to be the best course for most families. Also, if you cheat and your kids find out, they’ll most likely be pretty p*ssed.