Man's wife leaves him over 'personality change.' He learns it was a brain tumor. Part 2
"[UPDATE] My (32M) ex-wife (33F) divorced me after a personality change. I found out I have a brain tumor. How do I move forward?"
Link to Part 1 of the story if you missed it.
So first off, thanks everybody for the comments and advice. I didn't expect my post to get as much attention as it did, but it was really helpful to get some perspective. Not to mention lots of support including some very thoughtful messages.
It got re-posted on other places (I didn't even realize there was an entire ecosystem of TikToks devoted to rehashing Reddit posts... I guess I'm old lol) including some news sites, and a few journalists and podcasters reached out to me.
I'm touched that my story seemed to resonate with some people, but I'm a pretty private person and I'm working through a lot right now, so apologies if I haven't responded to your message.
Long story short: I've decided not to contact my ex or her brother for the time being. I know some people were probably rooting for a happier or at least more interesting ending, but this is how I'm handling things for now.
I think the majority of the comments on my last post encouraged me to reach out, just to inform my ex of the situation and maybe give her some closure. Some suggested making a post on social media so it would get back to her, or delivering a message through a mutual friend. For a while, something along these lines is what I wanted to do.
Now, for the social media thing, I don't actually have any social media other than an Instagram account for my pup Archie, with like 10 followers, and a Facebook account using a fake name with zero friends (I use it for Marketplace).
But that's kinda besides the point. I think more importantly, not reaching out right now just... feels like the right move. I guess the true question is, what would be the best way to handle this for my ex? How does this affect her?
And honestly, the more I think about it, the more it seems like reaching out is the selfish move. She's always been a strong, resilient person, so I have no doubt she's managed to build a good life and move on. And I'd just be potentially interfering with that, stirring up old hurts and wounds and maybe adding a lot of confusion and other complicated emotions.
And then, for the selfish perspective... I don't think it would be good for me, either. I admit, a part of me fantasized about a situation where we got back together, all was forgiven, and we lived happily ever after.
But I think that's exactly the problem - I realized there was no way I was going to be able to temper my expectations. So right now, with everything going on, it probably would be a bad thing to add into the mix. I'll always love my ex-wife. We grew up together.
I loved all her quirks and her silliness and her strength, the way she always stood up for what she believed in. The fact that we always had so much fun together, whether we were playing a boardgame (she'd learn quick and kick my ass, except for Race for the Galaxy...) or buying a house or going on a bike ride somewhere or overanalyzing a movie or TV show we'd watched together.
She's brilliant and hilarious and gorgeous. And a total weirdo. Veeeeeery early in our relationship she asked whether I was "a barfer or a pooper" when I got sick. I was also the DM for a d&d campaign that she played in, and her goblin rogue will always be peak tabletop gaming to me. I loved hearing her thoughts about everything. I miss her everyday.
And who knows, maybe we'll reconnect at some point in the future. I'm not ruling out ever contacting her. And in case it wasn't clear in my last post, I never thought my tumour exonerated me of responsibility for everything I've done.
I know I still need to take ownership of my actions and learn and grow from this. So that's what I'm going to focus on - getting better. My surgery is getting scheduled and then I'll just have to take it one step at a time. There's a lot of other stuff going on too.
I was applying and interviewing for jobs before all this and actually got 2 offers recently, so I'll be communicating with them about whether we could delay the start date (and worst case, if not, my current job is secure and medical leave won't be a problem).
I also bought another property, although the sale is still conditional so I could walk away if I have to. We'll see how it goes. All this to say, life is pretty hectic right now. But I honestly feel good... and for the first time in several years, I'm looking forward to what comes next, whatever that may be.
Anyway, thanks again everybody for reading and commenting, sharing your advice and stories, well wishes and love. I might post another update down the line, but fair warning, I'm hoping it's just as boring as this one :)
Also, I shared this in a comment on the last post, but I'll put it here too. Pics of Archie
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
AllTheColors8762
This is heart breaking. I hope OP is able to take care of his health and have a good life. And maybe someday his ex can learn the truth of his brain tumor.
UnzippedButton
If as he says he realizes he can’t temper his expectations, then he’s making a very difficult but probably correct decision. Which makes his plight that much more sympathetic. I wish him well in his recovery.
Valiant_Strawberry
Honestly this is the first post I’ve seen on this website in a long long time that made me cry. Like it’s just so incredibly tragic that both their lives fell apart this way. And I’m sure it was terrifying for both of them in different ways. And the pure loving way he talks about his ex wife. It’s just all so sad 😭
short1st
Yeah I see where you're coming from. I do have to say I still think that in your ex's shoes I'd want to know, but I also get how you'd want to not potentially turn her world upside down again.
Maybe talking to her brother only and getting his opinion could've been a good compromise, but I'm sure you've thought of pretty much all the scenarios already. At the end of the day I'm glad you made a decision you're at peace with, and that you're putting your healing and happiness first.
short1st
Yeah I see where you're coming from. I do have to say I still think that in your ex's shoes I'd want to know, but I also get how you'd want to not potentially turn her world upside down again.
Maybe talking to her brother only and getting his opinion could've been a good compromise, but I'm sure you've thought of pretty much all the scenarios already. At the end of the day I'm glad you made a decision you're at peace with, and that you're putting your healing and happiness first.