Woman's brush with cancer makes her realize she wants divorce, doesn't know what to say. AITA?
"AITAH for wanting a divorce after cancer"
TechnicalScarcity880
Sorry this is gonna be long.
I (35f) and my husband (36m) have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We’ve got two kids (6 and 8).
Last year I was diagnosed with cancer. Although the treatment was brutal, I pulled through, or so it seems for now. The truth is, things have not been smooth for the past 5 years or so. I have been trying to fit in what my husband sees as ideal life, living in remote locations and adjusting my life to make it work for us as a family. His dream is to live by the ocean, far from people. I’m a city girl.
For the sake of making it work for both of us, I’ve taken jobs that are well below my abilities. For him though it does look like it’s what I wanted. It was, because at that point it was the only available thing given the compromise.
My husband was living his dream life not even realizing that my resentment was building up. I did bring this up many times but he was dismissive. Things blew up two times - he saw me flirting with other guys (I never even kissed anyone, but it was an emotional betrayal probably.) I gave up alcohol 3 years ago to make sure I’m always in control and don’t do stupid sh*t that can ruin my relationship.
My husband is a great father. I’ve never had a father like that. He loves our children and they have a great relationship. So do I with my kids. But he isn’t a great partner. He asks me every day about my day, but never really listens to what I say. He keeps talking about his work but doesn’t notice me.
He makes a lot more than me (7-10x) but insists that we pay everything 50/50 “to keep it fair”. During the past years I’ve been covering more expenses that him, and I was working full-time during my treatment. He never offered to pay for anything extra. In his book, there were years (my pregnancies) when I was paying less, so now it’s fair that I pay more.
I don’t feel emotionally connected to him at all. And I don’t want to be intimate with him. I have a history of abuse and I need an emotional connection to enjoy intimacy. But for the past 5 years he’s been only touching me if and when he needs to. I’ve given in so many times and cried after because it felt like I’ve betrayed myself but I had to do it because he needs it and I’m a spouse.
So now, I’ve been still contemplating divorce for over 8 months. I’m out of treatment and I don’t know if I’m gonna stay healthy for a long time. But I’m tired of compromises. He is a nice guy and we’re planning to start a therapy, but I just want to live a new life. Therapy seems like a burden to me. AITA for wanting a divorce?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
fiveordie
"He makes a lot more than me (7-10x), but insists that we pay everything 50/50 'to keep it fair.' During the past years I’ve been covering more expenses that him, and I was working full-time during my treatment. He never offered to pay for any extras. In his book, there were years (my pregnancies) when I was paying less, so now it’s fair that I pay more."
Imagine loving someone so much that you refuse to take care of them and nickel and dime them. The Spirit Airlines of husbands. Wow.
Fire_or_water_kai
"The Spirit Airlines of husbands."
Gonna file that one away. That was amazing.
PQRVWXZ-
You should hire yourself out for scathing insults. That was gold.
Background_Sink_3188
Divorced cancer alumna here. I could have written this post! My ex was wildly unsupportive during my treatment and insisted on me providing more financially than him despite my years of volunteering at his business which delayed my career. It took me 18 years to leave him but I’ve never been happier. We don’t have kids, so I can’t speak to that. Allowing yourself to be happy is not an asshole thing to do.
emma-butler24
NO, HE IS NOT A NICE GUY. HE IS DEFINITELY NOT A NICE HUSBAND.
lexisplays
He's financially punishing you because you GREW TWO HUMANS AT GREAT RISK TO YOURSELF and weren't able to contribute equally????? He's the one who didn't contribute equally. Ask for surrogacy payments in the divorce. What a freaking tool. He's not a nice guy or a good father if he is teaching is children to financially abuse their partners.
StubbornKindOfFellow
Jesus, leave this man. Life is short, you know that. You're lucky to have it. Don't waste your remaining years being miserable. It will be hard on the kids, but they'll get over it. It's 2023, not 1953. Kids can survive a divorce. It would be better for them to grow up with happy, separated parents than with unhappy parents who are still together.