18 doctors share the absolute dumbest things patients have tried to lie about.

Doctors are used to answering quite possibly some of the dumbest questions about the human body with a straight face and a sincere response, but when patients start churning out bold lies it can be hard to resist a break room roasting session...

So, when a Reddit user asked, 'Surgeons/Doctors of Reddit, what's the dumbest thing patients have lied about?' medical professionals everywhere were ready to share the funniest fibs.

1.

I had a guy insist that someone else put drugs in his urine. Even after I tried to move on with the conversation. - zimmer199

2.

“Do you smoke cigarettes?”

“No, I quit!”

“When did you quit?”

“This morning” - BagelAmpersandLox

3.

Woman comes to emerg with complaints of vaginal discharge and discomfort. Pelvic exam initially reveals significant yeast infection, but there appears to be a foreign body in her vagina. “Is there something stuck inside?”

“No, I don’t know what’s in there…” Speculum examination reveals a very soft mandarin orange, peel still on. “Oh, that! We heard it would improve our fertility…” You can’t make this sh*t up. - Drilmagus

4.

A common one is about their smoking. Smoking is an enormous risk factor for fracture nonunion, meaning a fracture that doesn’t heal. When I walk into a nonunion patient’s exam room and it smells like a cigar den, I know they smoke.

But they’ll tell me they don’t right to my face. Before signing them up for revision surgery I’ll commonly order a urine test for nicotine metabolites. Often it’ll turn out positive and suddenly surprised pikachu face. - Anthrotekkk

5.

One dude lied about being paralyzed after a lumbar puncture. Get a call from nurse patient says he can’t move legs following a lumbar puncture (spinal tap). I called the team that did the procedure and they assured me there was no indication of this sort of injury happening during the procedure but agreed with my plan to get an urgent MRI.

I go to examine him and nurse says she thinks he moved one of his feet. Next thing I know he says he can actually move his legs again but they are feeling weird. Then this weird feeling turns into intense pain and he asks for intravenous narcotics (dilaudid). I tell him no because this story makes no sense.

By god it was a miracle I tell you when this man walked himself right out of the hospital after I refused the iv narcotics. Also, the MRI was normal. - materiamasta

6.

My little brother was a nurse for about a decade. He has said many times that people stick anything up their butts. From lightbulbs to hairbrushs to a golf shoe. And at first it's hilarious. Then after a year or so it's not funny because you've seen way too many distended buttholes.

Then after a decade or so it starts to get funny again because you think you've seen everything and then one day a 45 year old man is driven to the hospital by his wife and he has a golf shoe up his a*s and he told his wife that he and the boys were golfing and he slipped in the locker room and it got rammed up there completely disregarding the fact that the part of the shoe that is inside him is covered in Vaseline... - Jasole37

7.

Patient says to me; I was outside gardening while naked and I slipped. That’s how a massive potato ended up in my a*s. Anybody want fries while he is waiting to get it removed?

How did you get that stab wound in your abdomen? I put a knife on the kitchen counter and forgot it was there. Then I walked into it.

Me - Have you had anything to eat or drink today prior to your surgery? Patient- No (…with a half eaten candy bar in front of them). Me - Are you sure? Because if you have, you could vomit upon going to sleep and it could enter your lungs, causing you to die. Patient - then yes I have, I had half that candy bar.

This one guy repeatedly used to come in saying he hadn’t sh*t in 7 days. This would usually necessitate a rectal examination with a finger. Thats why he kept saying it. Patient used to come in every time the new doctors rotated in, who wouldn’t be wise to his tricks.

One guy came in feigning unconsciousness. Did not respond to even the most painful of stimuli (some of these were pretty painful). Did not budge. We were talking amongst ourselves about intubating him. He then opened his eyes and said “they did that last time, I didn’t like it”. - Muted-Application-27

8.

Their age. Had a woman say shes 30 when she clearly didn’t look it. Oh well I move on to other questions. Look at her files and lab reports have her real age on them. 41. Like why tho? What difference does it make lying to healthcare staff? This is health related, not ur tinder profile. - BariumBromide2

9.

Dad is a physician and has a million funny stories. He told me this one from a few decades ago: Had a patient come into the ER with a towel over his groin, covered in blood.

Claimed he was cutting vegetables in his kitchen and the knife slipped. Dad takes a look and the guy is butchered down there. Had to call a urologist in the middle of the night to consult.

Guy eventually confesses to trying to give himself a circumcision because he didn't want to pay the $200 it would have cost. Urologist was able to help save... 'him', but it cost a helluva lot more than $200 for emergency penis surgery. - southernmayd

10.

Honestly the 'dumbest' lies are the one people who lie about how much alcohol or other drugs they use. Alcohol and benzodiazepine withdrawal can kill you, and if you use opioids from the street than you likely have a higher tolerance and may need more medications in the hospital so be honest.

I truly don't care how much you drink/ use, I just don't want you to get worse for something we can plan for and prevent. - Shazamshazam2

11.

One my favorite things I wrote my first year out of medical school: “Please note patient has stated multiple times that he wants to leave and would leave AMA(against medical advice).

He asked multiple times whether he could eat and stating he is hungry. Explained to patient that we would like to start a full liquid diet first and if he tolerated it well, would transition to regular foods.

However, pt ordered chinese food delivery instead. Then, patient was complaining of a headache. Was given Tylenol for the headache. Patient stated that this did not help him. His sister at bedside went to the nearby pharmacy and bought Goody powder (aspirin). Sister did ask whether she could give him Goody powder.

She was told not to give patient the Goody powder. She supposedly did not.” For context, the patient had a catastrophic GI bleed from taking too much aspirin. - grantcapps

12.

I had a lady tell me she had no idea how she got a rash she had on her face. I left the room, gave report to the MD and when I walked back in with the doctor she looked at me and said “I didn’t think you’d be coming back in the room” and then proceeded to confess that she’d been cheating on her husband and thought she had herpes. She did not have herpes. - Physical_Witness_922

13.

Patient: “I haven’t drank alcohol in months!”

Patients family: “It’s true I’ve been with her the whole time.”

Me: “Ma’am your alcohol level is 325.”

Patient: “Impossible! I would never lie to you!” - jorgeojungle

14.

Part of my job is dealing with medical records- my favorite part is when you are reading the doctors notes and you can tell they are fed up with the patients bullsh*t from their tone.

“Patient in for routine colonoscopy, asked if solids consumed in 24 hrs prior, patient confirms no. In process of procedure, several dozen kernels of corn are discovered in colon and cannot continue. Patient specifically instructed not to consume corn beforehand as this happened prior visit.” - YourStolenCharizard

15.

Guy came in for a wound on his lower leg that he said came from a biking accident. X-ray revealed a bullet inside his ankle joint. The wound was from shooting himself by accident while holding a gun. Still don’t know how he didn’t fracture anything. - Cybariss

16.

First baby, never pregnant before. New OB appointment, we collect everything and do exam. I put a speculum in and I see her cervix. After her partner left the room, I ask her again, and she says she doesn't want her new partner know that she's a single mom.

Not dumb, but just very obvious on an exam that she has definitely given birth before. I left a note on her chart to NOT mention prior pregnancy in front of her new partner. - tallychem

17.

I'm just a med student but a doctor shared this with us, she's a gynecologist and this women came to her complaining about how she hasn't gotten her periods in few months and well she was showing menopausal symptoms and infact she looked almost 50 but she kept saying she's only 30 and she can't have menopause.

It has a funny ending, when the doctor asked if the women had a kid and she said yes he's 27 y/o. 😂😂😂 Idk why people lie about their age but this was a funny story for the whole class - doctorbanns

18.

'Do you have any medical problems?'

'No'

'So no diabetes?'

'No diabetes'

'What medications are you taking?'

'Metformin. For my diabetes.'

I facepalm every time - Retinator99