Woman's fiance gets mad she didn't go to the hospital with him, internet says 'run.'

When you get into the weeds of an argument with a partner, it can be hard to see clearly what the fight is even about. Sometimes things get so distorted in the crossfire you're unsure what they're upset about to begin with. Particularly, if the trigger that made them mad is something you did to make them happy.

In a popular post on the AITA subreddit, a woman asked if she was wrong for not going to the hospital with her fiance.

She wrote:

AITA for not going to the hospital?

My fiancé has been having some throat issues where I believe it got infected and he was having trouble breathing. We decided it was best to go to the doctor in the morning to get it looked at, around 9am when they opened. I woke up at 8 with him yelling in the bathroom about how he couldn’t breathe and how he’d been yelling for a while and I had been ‘ignoring’ him.

I’m a very deep sleeper, and we’ve added a rain machine to help us fall asleep in our room, and it’s true I hadn’t heard him, so I apologized and started putting on my clothes to go with him to the doctor. He was so angry and yelling, and he put his clothes on and left, to which I assumed was the doctors.

When he’s in a bad mood or angry he yells, regardless of if his throat hurts. He gets angry and then just doesn’t feel anything pain-wise. I didn’t want to have that happen in public or in a doctor's office because it’s embarrassing and no one wants to see that. So I waited until he messaged me.

I started cleaning the apartment because I figured if he didn’t want me there, I could clean up and make sure there wasn’t a huge mess for him to come home to. He messaged me about an hour later saying that he hopes I was enjoying my day off with him in the hospital, and me watching tv. I told him I was cleaning for when he got home, and that I wasn’t watching tv ignoring his situation.

I asked him if he wanted me to come meet him there and he told me no- he didn’t want me near him.So I gave him his space, apologized for not hearing him this morning and told him to let me know if he changed his mind because I was already dressed and ready to go.

Here’s where I think I was the AH. He messaged me later saying he was getting his throat frozen and a few needles, which he hates. He said he wouldn’t forgive me for not being there for him, and then stopped responding. I didn’t know how long he’d be there as it would take me 20 mins to get there, and assumed he’d be done by then. But I probably should have just gone anyway.

When he got home he yelled that I was selfish and he couldn’t believe that I didn’t go to meet him. He said all I wanted to do was sleep, watch tv and smoke weed (we're in Canada where it’s legal). And yes I do smoke. He’s now locked himself in the bedroom, won’t speak to me and told me to get out. I don’t know what to even do at this point. I’ve tried to apologize but it doesn’t matter what I say.

People did not hold back.

analyst19 wrote:

NTA. He screams at you for sleeping while he was in pain in the bathroom, leaves to go to the hospital alone, then curses you out again for not being in the hospital with him. Cancel the wedding, now.

Atlantic_Waters wrote:

Your boyfriend is what? 13? My experience is, that arguments like this are substitutes for severe relationship issues, that none dare touch. The way you put it, how could you know he wasn't serious by telling you to stay away. NTA.

Unable_Language5669 wrote:

NTA. Is this the life you want to have? Because this is how it's going to be if you marry your fiancé. (Yes, I'm sure he's a perfect gentleman 90% of the time, but why do you want to settle for that?)

Tango_Owl wrote:

You are NTA but you're also in an abusive relationship. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but this is really unhealthy behavior from him. I hope you're not isolated from friends and family yet and you can make an escape plan.

My ex-abuser was exactly like this. Screaming, saying one thing now and saying something completely different an hour later. You're trying to make him comfortable, but he never will be. This is his problem and not yours. You can't change him, but he can and will ruin you.

After receiving lots of comments telling her to cut and run from the relationship, OP shared an update comment.

Adding some more info: We’ve been together 10 years this coming summer. I’m 32 and he’s 34. He started school this past September, while I’ve been working full-time. He got osap but that mostly just covered tuition while I’ve been paying for most of the bills. And we live in Toronto so rent isn’t exactly cheap.

When we first got together I had really bad anxiety which I was medicated for. I couldn’t leave the house without throwing up for a half hour. I didn’t work for almost the first year of us dating. Like I would get jobs, but they wouldn’t last long because I didn’t know how to deal with my anxiety.

He helped me get through that, and I’m no longer on any medication, and I’m able to go to work and leave my apartment, and I don’t throw up anymore. I think he resents me for that time that it was him doing everything. Like yes I cleaned the house, did laundry, made food, but I wasn’t contributing money wise and I get that’s stressful.

He had to do some sh**ty stuff to help get us by, and I’ve always been thankful for that and told him so. But when he’s been angry he’s said that I ‘used him’ and ‘drained his account’ so I wouldn’t have to work. Which I guess is technically true, because I wasn’t working, and he was paying for everything.

Update again:

He yelled at me for not caring about him all day and apparently now I was playing video games all day. He told me I didn’t even try to go to the hospital, and that I never offered to get his prescription (both of which I offered to multiple times to which he said no, and have the messages to prove that) and is now claiming I refused to come see him and how mean I am.

He also told his grandma what a piece of s**t I am and apparently she is coming tomorrow afternoon. I plan on speaking to her and possibly showing her this post.

He keeps saying how much of an a**hole I am and how mean I am for not coming even though he said he didn’t want me there. He’s complaining about how he’s always alone and how I apparently refused to be there. I’m just ignoring his yelling and letting him go off because it doesn’t matter what I say. If I speak it will go longer. I just want him to tire himself out tbh.

I truly feel so blind and like I haven’t been seeing clearly at all. He’s always made me feel like I’m wrong. I don’t actually think he’s ever apologized during or after a fight, other than for being mean. He never thinks he’s wrong. And I’ve never asked for an apology.

I actually do get afraid of him yelling. My step dad used to yell a lot and I would fear him getting home, the same way I do my fiancé. Because I don’t know what mood their gonna be in and what I haven’t done/done wrong that’s gonna make things worse and get them even angrier.

The thread continues a lot deeper on the page itself, but it's clear OP is NTA in any way, and she is looking to get out of this relationship.