'AITA for dumping on my dad and telling his wife none of it concerns her?'
"AITA for dumping on my dad and telling his wife none of it concerns her?"
Fun_Education_6505
I (17M) don't have a close relationship with my dad. I would go as far as saying he doesn't even really deserved to be called my dad. My bio dad, yes, sure, he is biologically my father.
But he was never a dad to me. When I was younger he was always working on spending time with his buddy's. He'd go on vacations with friends but not with us. He wasn't even around for my birthdays.
My mom got sick when I was 9 and my dad was all emotional about it when he found out. He wasn't around when she was diagnosed so he was the last to find out. But he didn't change. It was only when she died a year later that he was distraught when she died.
He tried to fight over not taking her body and then for 3 years he didn't take care of himself and lost his job and everything. His parents helped him pay bills and groceries while my maternal grandparents took care of me.
He wasn't around. He wasn't a good dad. He mourned mom and pleaded for forgiveness but never took the time to be a better dad. He just regretted not being better to mom.
He slowly got his shit together and two years ago he met Helena and they got married a year ago. Helena has two kids 5f and 4m. They don't have dad's in their lives and my dad has stepped up to be a great dad to the two of them.
He takes them to the park, he buys them stuff, he reads to them, helps with her daughter's reading and stuff. All the kinds of things an actual parent would do. All stuff he never did with me.
When I saw him do that stuff with them, I decided that as soon as I was 18 I was out of here and would never look back. I don't care if he changes now, I won't ever be okay with him being a good dad to kids who aren't his before he tries with me.
The only reason he started reaching out is because Helena's daughter wants me to be her brother and seeks me out. So I avoid being around. The few times I was around and she asked me to do something I said no.
She'd get upset so dad would try to invite me along and when it didn't work, he suggested we have "boys nights" with Helena's son. Then two weeks ago dad and Helena told her kids to invite me to a "sibling movie night" and when the kids were out of earshot I told them they are not my siblings and I am not theirs.
A week ago dad tried to talk to me about how distant I am and how I refuse to interact. He told me I'm being really hard on him. I told him he was never a good dad to me and why would I give him an easy time.
I said why would I like seeing him be a dad to them when he never was to me. He tried to defend it. I told him he isn't even their real dad but he was mine. Dad accused me of dumping on him.
Then Helena interjected and told me I shouldn't dismiss her kids and my dad's relationship like that and shouldn't be so hard on him over it. I told her none of this concerned her and she needed to stay out of it. They told me I was being a jerk and shouldn't hate that Helena's kids have a dad and I should be glad for them and shouldn't be so disrespectful. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
74Magick
Tell Helena there are 3 places she can stay for free
in her lane -over there -out of your business
NTA
The OP responded here:
Fun_Education_6505
Lol I like that.
Whorible_wife69
Ask Helena why her kids dads walked out on her, why she is so comfortable allowing a man who opted out of parenting his own kid to play house with hers, what she’s going to do when he gets bored and treats her like he treated your mom. She wants to get into your business get into hers.
Ask your dad why he’s better at raising another man’s kids than his own. I would wipe the floor with them, as I did with my own sperm donor. If you can go back to your maternal grandparents. NTA.
Apart-Ad-6518
I read your responses to other comments. Going with NTA. Yeah your "Dad" may have turned it around now but it seems that he wasn't a good Dad to you & that's a hurt that goes way deep.
Totally understandable & his wife shouldn't get involved. You will be able to get him out of your life as you say & go NC at 18. I wish you all the very best. The only thing I would gently ask you to consider is, if you need help to work through this at any point, consider getting therapeutic support.
What happened isn't your fault. Just don't let unhappiness/bitterness overshadow your future. You didn't deserve what happened but you don't deserve that either.
Session-Special
NTA - the problem you have is that the new wife is trying to push things together. Ask her if you could talk to her (just her), and just her. Let her know you will be on your best behavior and mean it.
Find a neutral spot, a park or some place open and easily public open. Then ask her what she knows about your fathers relationship to you? She may say all of it? Then let her know how he abandoned you to your grandparents.
That he may have sold her a bad bag of goods. Ask her to confirm this with your grandparents if this is still possible. That your relationship with your sperm donor, and yes call him that so she knows how broken it is between the two of you (your father and you).
That while you do not hate her or her kids, and in fact you are happy for them. However really you now have some serious issues with family unit in general and trust (because the one person that should have did not do it).
That you need professional help. Not some in her mind thing, but real help. That if she really wants something with you - that is the beginning of it. Not the way she going about it.
Thank her for her time - offer a hug. Then say you mean it - you need help, and she needs to help you find it. Now if she is not a monster - she will do everything she can to seek professional help. If she is BSing it - you will have your answer. Then everything is on her and her responses.