'AITA for telling my wife that I would choose my mom over the birth of our baby?' UPDATED 3X
"Aita for telling my wife that I would choose my mom over the birth of our baby?"
GoodShirt360
So, to get started, I am 36m, and my wife is 33f. We are expecting our first child soon. My mother, who is 70, was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and has been hospitalized since it is so bad doctors say she will not survive since treatments aren't working well on her.
My dad died when I was young, and my mom took care of me while working two jobs so that I could have a good life. I feel I owe everything to my mother. I bought her a house and whatever she needed so that she could live her older years well since we had to struggle so much.
When I got home from work and visiting my mom, my wife and I were talking, and she asked, "if you got a call that I was in labor or your mom was going to die, who would you pick?"
I told her I would pick my mom; she asked why, and I told her that I wanted to be there to say goodbye to my mom since I would never see her again and so she would have somebody there in her final moments.
She got mad and said, what about her and our baby? I told her I would try to be there as fast as I could after my mom, but that most likely wouldn't happen. So, I told her not to worry about it. She was still mad and told me to get out of the house. I left, and now I'm at my mom's house. So Reddit aita?
Edit: To everyone saying that I would be leaving her in alone, no, I wouldn't. She would have her mom there she has said she wanted her mom there with her. Yes, I was right for leaving my house.
It was either I leave, or she go, and I was not about to put my pregnant wife out of our house. Yes, I have been there for her. I have taken off work to comfort and help her in any way she needs during this pregnancy.
Edit 2: I keep getting the same question about why did I leave my house even though I may own the house it was late and I didn't want my pregnant wife out late at night but she told me to leave so I knew it was either me or her.
Two my mother is in the hospital she is not at her house. Three, I thought a lot about what a lot of you said about how I should but her first but she doesn't put me first at all she chooses her sisters over me all the time.
Fourth, I do not make her feel second I have put my wife first, especially in emergencies and I have tried me best to comfort her. I have gone home and I now I'm thinking I don't need to apologize do yall I really don't know. Thanks to everyone who's commented.
Here were the top rated comments for readers after the OP's initial post:
Round-Ticket-39
Nta. Stupid question.
tinaciv
Yes. There is absolutely no way to win there; because the intent wasn't to actually plan for the contingency (which would've been smart by the way). So NTA. She somehow heard I care more about others than you and our baby, when the situations can't be compared.
If you make up you should actually have a plan with someone to take your place with them and videocall if it happens; and also talk to your future pediatrician about how to be safe in letting your baby meet his or her grandma as soon as possible in a safe way.
Getting professional photos of them together (and all of you as a family) would be worth looking into. Your kid will definitely appreciate them when they are grown up.
Lunatic_Logic138
My wife is a loving, intelligent, rational and considerate woman. But pregnancy can easily turn someone into an estrogen Molotov cocktail. Giving OPs wife the benefit of the doubt, I'd say it's likely that this caught him so off guard because this is completely out of left field for her to say, and he's just super confused.
I guarantee my wife would understand if we roleplayed this scenario; that doesn't mean she'd have the same reaction when she had six gallons of extra hormones and a little alien kicking her in the lungs.
Majestic_Grocery7015
Estrogen molotov cocktail is right lol. My normal self, I'd probably be making a contingency plan in OPs wife's place. While pregnant I'm not sure I would have been so rational about it.
The idea of giving birth alone is scary. I cant fault either of them here. It's a really difficult situation. Edit: ok not alone! This was before OPs edits. It's still valid for her to want her partner there.
MsBlack2life
Jacked up question but from lived experience…my mother was dying and my bestie was having a baby. Her last that had been full of complications and she wanted me there like I was with her first.
I asked simply can you plan to give birth at the same hospital my mother was at. I went from floor 4 the cancer ward to floor 2 the birthing floor the entire day. The doctors knew what was up and what I was doing.
So it allowed me to be there for both of them. Talk to her and find a compromise and make a plan. She’s pregnant which tends to make one a tad more panicky and emotional.
Two days alter, the OP returned with an update.
"Update: aita for telling my wife I would choose my mom over the birth of our baby"
GoodShirt360
Hello again, people of reddit. Some of you asked for an update so here it is. I went back home yesterday afternoon she wasn't there I assumed she was at her mom's house.
She came back in the evening and we had a talk about what happened she did apologize for asking the question and that when she thought about it she understood my answer because she would do the same.
I asked her why she asked. She said she didn't know and thought I was going to pick her since I normally do. I kinda just said okay and moved on. I did tell her I want marriage counseling after or even before the babies born.
She asked why. I told her how I felt and she denied it so I had to give her proof then she started crying and got mad and told me to sleep in the guess room instead of kicking me out, so I guess I got a win there.
Anyway, she also told me that she no longer wanted me in the delivery, which I was fine with. I understand to an extent where it's coming from. I will go into therapy which was suggested and i think i do need it.
Anyway, that's it thanks for the advice yall gave some good and bad advice and sorry if my comments came off as mean I'm not really a friendly person till you know me especially if your accusing me of something.
EDIT: yall the proof I showed her was messages of when she said she felt unimportant and when I felt unimportant. I would NEVER and i mean NEVER show her anything on here she would have a mental breakdown.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
ullalauridsen
So ... it started fine: She was sorry for creating a conflict over a hypothetical, unlikely scenario, and said she understood your viewpoint, because she, too, would choose to be with her dying mother. And then it all went to s***? How?
I worry about you two, but she is pregnant and bursting with hormones. You should give each other a bit of space until the child is born, you stay calm and reasonable and caring, and then you can see about counseling if it seems necessary when she is back to normal.
TherealOmthetortoise
“She asked why, I told her how I felt and she denied it so I had to give her proof”
What does that mean, exactly? What was she denying at this point in the conversation and what form of ‘proof’ did you provide?
meggyhill
The narrative is too incomplete. This is one of the most disappointing update I’ve read on reddit.
EmpressPear
So she got mad at the suggestion of marriage counseling and put you on the couch? Am I reading that right? If so… my guy, you’ve got a lifetime of marital problems ahead of you. hopefully you get a good therapist who can help you learn how to handle how ridiculously unreasonable your wife is.
DemiChaos
You suggested counselling and she was confused why...You stated your feelings about the dumbass question and her response to it... she then... denies your feelings...? Rejects counselling and makes you sleep somewhere else..?? wtf is her deal? You have a long, exhausting marriage ahead of you.
The next day, the OP returned with another update.
Udpate 2: Aita for telling my wife that I would choose my mom over the birth of our baby
GoodShirt360
Hello people this will probably be my last and final update. I read a lot of your comments and I did apologize not for bringing up marriage counseling but for the timing I bought it up and that I did show her proof.
She did forgive me and told me I was still not going to be at the birth of our child; I said to her that it was okay and that I had accepted it and I wasn't going to fight her on her choice.
I did tell her that I think she and I both need some space before the baby comes, to which she agreed. I told her I would leave, and that she could have the house, and that if she needed anything, to call or text me. No, I'm not at my mother's house. I'm at a friend's house he doesn't live there anymore, but he usually rents it out.
To all of you asking why don't you kick her out. It's because I'm the only person who makes money in the house and I know especially now if I kick her out it will be called financial, emotionally manipulation or even abuse.
So it's better a lot of times if I leave. Yes, I do plan to go back home when the baby is born, and to someone who asked, I do plan to take paternity leave. No, she does not know where I'm at. She didn't ask, so I didn't tell, mainly because her family would be banging on my door.
To people who I know are going to ask why aren't you fighting harder to be in the delivery room? I've learned that some things I cannot control and one thing is people if she doesn't want me in there I won't be.
My main example is if I had gotten someone pregnant in my 20s and I said get an abortion just because it's my baby as well doesn't mean that I can control what she does. So it's her body her choice.
Lastly to people who are saying they need more details I'm not use to just randomly talking about myself it's been that way since I was a child I've gotten better since I was a kid but it's still a struggle so if you have a question give me a specific question because I answer what you ask not the above.
And about the divorce thing, I do care if she divorces me. I do love her, but I cannot control how she feels so personally; I won't beg her not to. I will suggest that we get help, but if she doesn't want to, then that's fine. I'm secure. What I mean by that is she will get nothing in the divorce. Does she know that? I don't know. I will try my best to answer the questions in the comments.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
_whydah_
I'm not sure the advice truly helped your situation.
One-Awareness3671
NTA, but wow such a dramatic turn of events from a hypothetical question.
3x3animalstylepls
Can I ask- why is your last line of the post certainty she would get nothing in the divorce? Can you elaborate on that a bit?
louluthekitty
To me her reaction seems defensive in a way that she’s protecting herself from you. She building herself up to do this alone and you seem to co-signing into that fear she has. It’s telling that at both your most vulnerable moments you are both repelling from each other instead of leaning in.
FatChance68
Your wife may have felt like you were saying being there wasn’t important when you said you would choose your mom. And when she banned you and you just accepted it, it probably reinforced that feeling.
A month later, the OP again returned.
Final update Aitah for telling my wife that I would choose my mom over the birth of our baby
GoodShirt360
Hello people I have good and bad news. So I will start with the good news my wife had the baby on January 26th it's a girl and I love her so much I wanted to name her after my mother but we found a compromise and her middle name is my mother's name.
To the questions I'm going to get about was I in the delivery room I was not I did ask but I got a no and she said she had already told her sister and that she couldn't hurt my feelings which ok by then I had stopped caring a lot.
The bad news is my mother died she died a week before my baby was born. A decent bit of her friends came to the funeral and if you go back up a sentence, I said I had stopped caring a lot she didn't come to the funeral she made stupid excuses and I just said forget it.
It was nice though I am mad that she wasn't there when I needed her. So I haven't been talking to her much so I won't yell at her. We talk about baby and her, and other than that we don't talk. I'll bring up marriage counseling in a few weeksbut for now I'm going to enjoy my baby and love her.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's final update:
Jovon35
I'm really sorry for your loss. I truly hope that you guys are able to talk through a lot of these issues in a therapeutic setting. I also gently suggest that you consider doing individual counseling for yourself.
You need and deserve to have some support and guidance navigating this loss and all of the difficult situations you have had to face. I wish you a happy and healthy outcome.
Similar-Shame7517
Sounds like there were problems wayyyyy before this, that question was just the straw that broke the camel's back.
Test_After
Yeah, her decision to be a "stay at home fiancee" countered by him asking her to sign a pre-nup to forego the house and everything they own ... if they were sensible people they would not be married. I am wondering if his wife saw their daughter as her means of circumventing the pre-nup.
cecnits
Am I going nuts with these commenters shitting on oop for wanting to be with his dying mother? He stated that his wife never picked him first and that her mother and sisters always came first.
She kicked him out of his own house for wanting to be with his own mother dying from CANCER. She refused him from the delivery because he wanted marriage counseling and tried to tell her how he felt and she got mad?
Sooo glad he no longer has feelings for her and has a pre-nup! Should’ve known she was shit when she wanted to be a stay at home fiancée. Dumb idiot gave herself a divorce and homelessness with a “would you rather” question lmao
peter095837
I might be cynical but this marriage isn't working anymore. All of his dysfunctional drama happening because of a hypothetical question is just the downfall for this relationship. I hope the dysfunctional situation wouldn't effect the kid in the future because it's going to be a sad life if it does.