'WIBTA if I asked my in-laws to return my children’s toys?' UPDATED
"WIBTA if I asked my in-laws to return my children’s toys?"
My children take very good care of their toys and possessions. As it’s nearing Christmas they have chosen old toys to donate, to keep and some that they weren’t quite ready to get rid of yet. My in-laws don’t have many toys at their home and have said they needed to get more for their toy closet for all the grandkids.
My eldest suggested that they bring the toys to their grandparents for the toy closet, this way they could still play with them, and see them when they wanted, and bonus all their cousins could play with them too!
My in-laws were excited and thanked them for donating to the toy closet. The first time we saw the kids cousins they were excited to show them the toys and they all had fun playing together.
Cut to a couple months later when we stopped over and they were all gone. My kids asked grandma and grandpa what happened and they weren’t sure. They texted my sister-in-law and she said “sorry, they were really nice and my kids liked them so we decided to bring them all home with us.”
My mother-in-law asked if they were bringing them back for their toy closet and she wrote back and simply said “no.”
My kids are kind of hurt as they weren’t ready to give them up yet, and they wanted to be able to share and play at their grandparents' house… So, would I be an ahole if I wrote and asked sister in law to please bring the community toys back?
For additional info: my in-laws are afraid to anger my SIL because she is very easy to hold a grudge, so this conversation would fall on myself and/or my husband who also feels the same way. He actually suggested we ask on here “we might be the aholes if we do this, let’s ask Reddit first”.
Also their kids have plenty of toys at home so it’s not like they don’t have anything to play with. Also, there are multiple families who come to their home with kids, not just our family and this particular brother-in-law's family. My husband has 4 other siblings with kids.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Salty_Piglet2629
NTA - your kids put the toys for all the kids in the family to share, not for other parents to treat as a free toy store. It doesn't matter if your kids have a lot of toys and SILs kids have no toys at all. If SIL wants free toys she has to ask for free toys, not steal from the shared toy closet at grandparents house. This level of entitlement is nasty!
Julie_Beans_OP
My in-laws didn’t tell her she could take them. They didn’t even know they were gone as she must have snuck them out of their house. They asked if she took them, then asked if she was bringing them back, she said “no.” And they are afraid to anger her by asking for them back.
JetItTogether
YWNBTA- but also you're not likely to win this fight. She stole them. She admits she stole them. Grandma and Grandpa won't say anything to her... And she's not bringing back the toys.
It's a hard thing for your kids to learn and it hurts... But this is when they learn that not everyone is generous. It's important to share but sometimes when we share things they get broken, lost or taken. They will be okay and we just don't leave things at grandmas and Grandpa's if we're not ready to let go of them.
GeekyStitcher
NTA, but don't put yourself in the line of fire. This is your husband's sibling. He should take the lead in all communication in this attempt to get the stolen toys back.
4 days later, the OP returned with an update:
I have to say that I was surprised at the number of people who said I was not the ahole. It really made us feel better and thank you guys for giving us advice on what to do next.
We spoke to my mother and father-in-law, and husband told them he didn’t like that they were too afraid to say anything. My mother-in-law said that she was afraid since my sister-in-law is very quick to go no contact with people. She seems to get sick of people in her life easily and cuts them out when she gets offended.
My mother-in-law is afraid to not see her grandchildren. I get the fear, but it’s still not right. I asked them if they at all offered, even inadvertently, for her kids to take the toys we left. They said definitely not. I believe them. My husband called my brother-in -law and said (thanks to those who suggested this):
“Hey! We were just over at mom and dads and there seems to have been some confusion. Our kiddos left some toys there to store and for all the grandkids to share and I think your wife thought we wanted to get rid of them. Total miscommunication, sorry about that. We’re headed to the area and can swing by now to grab them!”
My brother-in-law said that was fine and he didn’t even know they had them. So we swung by, he found them and helped us pack them all in the trunk. My sister-in-law was getting ready and came out as we were packing up.
Her face got red, and she turned around and went back in the house. We stood out for awhile talking to my brother-in-law until he checked his phone. He said he had to get inside and he went in to talk to his wife. We could hear through the walls that she was yelling and crying.
After 10 minutes of extremely awkward looks between my husband and I, we texted him that we were going to head out and he came back out looking upset. He said his wife was crying inside and that she kept trying to go back and forth with why she had the toys and he was confused.
We just played dumb and said that our kids couldn’t find the toys we left when we went back and we were told that you guys had possibly “accidentally” taken them. He said he was sorry and we said our goodbyes and left.
My sister-in-law has since been posting about how family isn’t blood and how she doesn’t know who to trust anymore. I’m sure it will blow over one day.
We also spoke with our children about how kind they were to want to share with their cousins. That we are a kind and giving family but that doesn’t mean that we let people take advantage of our kindness.
That we understood that these were given to stay at Grandma and Grandpa's and how upsetting it was that they weren’t there, but that it was maybe a misunderstanding and mom and dad got them back now.
I think they are too young now but one day they will realize how their Aunt is. Thank you all for suggesting that we stand up for our kids. My husband and I thank you for all the advice. Hope you all have a good holiday.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the latest update from the OP:
Wild_Butterscotch977
Great update! SIL sounds completely unhinged.
Julie_Beans_OP
I feel like it wasn’t that action packed of an update but I’m glad we got the stuff back!
CaptainYaoiHands
Do the toys in question happen to be collectibles or anything else that could possibly have any monetary value? I don't understand why a grown woman was yelling and crying over children's toys.
Julie_Beans OP
I think she was more upset about being caught? It’s not like they were crazy expensive or hard to find. We didn’t ask why she was crying and yelling, and she hasn’t messaged us at all.
Emotional_Bonus_934
NTA but instead of leaving toys to share you now know that SIL is a greedy, entitled B and your kids need to bring toys to grandma's house and take them home when they go home. She'll take anything you leave there.
bitofagrump
Hopefully now you know how to deal with her in the future. Play dumb, grey rock, act like everything's open and honest and in good faith and make it so that she'll have to openly put herself squarely in the wrong if she wants to try to take advantage of people. She'll absolutely hate it but it'll keep her from trying to pull this type of nonsense.
darjeelingexpress
Those parents handled that so well, the old I’m going to act like it never occurred to me this is anything other than a misunderstanding so you can save face. Next level: I have no idea what these cryptic Facebook posts are about, while thoughtfully eating sandwich. Anyway. Aspirational.