Man scolded for bringing daughter to SIL's party, 'she's NOT family.' AITA? + Update
"AITA for bringing my daughter to my in laws party"
Clear_Common5486
I (33M) have been with my wife (33F) for 6 years and married for 3. We have a 4 year old son together and I also have a 9 year old daughter that I have sole custody of from a previous relationship (it was barely a relationship honestly.)
Recently my sister-in-law invited us to a restaurant for her birthday and she told my wife to bring "the family" which I took to mean my wife, me, our son and my daughter. My in-laws have known my daughter since I've been with my wife, they've watched her grow up, I just assumed she was part of the family now.
My wife went to my SILs house and the plan was for me to go to meet them at the restaurant with the kids a little later on. Everything was fine at the meal but once we got home and the kids were asleep my wife got really annoyed at me for bringing my daughter.
She said I was wrong for bringing her because she's not family and that my SIL didn't want her there. I've honestly never got the impression that my daughter wasn't welcome at family events (on my wife's side) and no one told me not to bring her.
A couple in-laws have been messaging me and calling me things for bringing my daughter. My mother-in-law told me I was trying to force them to accept my daughter as family.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
Beautiful-Report58
Say what? After 6 years together this is the first time they excluded your older child? You have sole custody of her, so where was she supposed to go, if not with you?
It sounds like you entered the twilight zone. NTA.
The OP responded here:
Clear_Common5486
Yeah this whole thing is weird, thank you.
TomatoNo5047
You need to have a serious conversation. If she/they don’t accept your daughter. You need to reevaluate the relationship. What else is she saying or doing to your daughter when you are not around.
Far_Alarm5887
This was my immediate thought! What else has the wife been up to with his 9 yo when he wasn’t around??? stepmother red flags are waiving!
riz_kid
can we also do the math - they’ve been together 6 years, daughter is 9. so wife has been in daughter’s life since she was 3. what an awful thing to say.
Disenchanted2
Even if this girl had only been in the family for DAYS, my family would have welcomed her and tried to include her.
IrrelevantManatee
It's probably going to be an unpopular opinion, but ESH. She sucks big time for not accepting the kid as her own. She is married to you, the child is hers. But you suck big time too for marrying someone that actively rejects your child. The poor kid deserves better that a maternal figure in her life that doesn't want her there.
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE - AITA for bringing my daughter to my in-laws party"
Clear_Common5486
I spoke to both my wife and daughter separately. My daughter said that she does sometimes feel like my wife excludes her slightly or treats her different from her brother. She did also mention how sometimes my in-laws aren't nice to her and make comments about her not fitting in and just general comments that made her feel unwelcome.
She told me she was scared to tell me in case I would be angry at her. I've apologised to her for not realising how my in-laws were treating her and for making her scared to talk to me.
My wife pretty much confirmed what my daughter said. I'm so disgusted and annoyed at her. I don't understand how any could treat a child this way. She's the sweetest little girl she has never done anything to deserve this I just don't understand how they can be so disgusting and cruel.
We're planning on getting a divorce and my wife is planning on moving out after Christmas. The divorce will hopefully be easy since we've agreed on split custody for my son. Once she moves out she'll have my son every weekend but that'll probably change once she gets her own house.
I am very grateful that she's being so nice about all of this there's not been many arguments about the divorce which is very helpful. Thank you for all of the comments on my last post!!
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Pleasant_Test_6088
I think you are a terrific father and I'm sure your daughter will remain close to you throughout her life. You have shown her just how much you care for her. I wish you all the best.
Bansidhe13
I hope op gets full custody of the son;so he doesn't grow up as mean spirited as his maternal family is.
NovaStar92
Ffffing knew it. How disgusting do you have to be to treat an innocent child like this?
Arstanoth
Wow thanks for the update. So glad you had the conversation with your daughter but sad she had been experiencing that. I find your wifes perspective and her family pretty crazy and cruel. Your daughter was there the entire relationship and sole custody with you and by your wife marrying you i cant fathom how she and her family dont get you are a package deal.
dexterdarko2009
Give you daughter so many hugs for standing up and telling you. She has a wonderful father here. Make sure she knows she is t the reason for the divorce but your ex wife's treatment of her.