Toxic family body shaming prompts heartbreaking breakup with fiancé. UPDATED 2X
"I broke up with my fiance because of his family."
ThrowRA_noFamily21
I don’t think I can marry him because of his family. I know people will say that I am crazy but my gut tells me I am right. This was supposed to be the first time I am meeting his parents. He has 2 sisters, mom and dad. I was excited to meet my future in-laws. But it shattered.
Few days ago, I met his family. Some things about them just didn’t sit right with me. His mom is very possessive about him. Like the first thing she said when she saw me was “so you are the lady that keeps my son busy”.
I know it sounds like a joke but she said it in a condescending tone. Throughout the entire gathering she was trying to avoid me. She would get irritated whenever I got closer to my fiance. She made one very mean comment when I asked her for a piece of pie she made. She said I will not be able to fit in my dress if I eat any more of it.
She deliberately made me sit far away from him so that she could sit beside him. I knew she didn’t like me. But I tolerated that. But she was way too harsh on her oldest daughter.
She keeps making comments like when are you getting married and if she still can't get over Ben (her BIL). The thing is Mia (oldest daughter) used to date Ben until he dumped her to be with the younger sister, Jen. Jen isn’t very nice either.
She was mean to Mia and kept bugging her to get a husband. Mia is 33. I don’t think she needs to rush. Jen also didn’t like me because she made some snide remarks about my upbringing. I grew up in an abusive household. I had to struggle a lot.
Whereas my fiance came from a well to do family. His dad didn’t speak much. He didn’t say anything and just nodded. The only normal person there was Mia because she just kept to herself. But nonetheless, I did not feel very welcomed by them.
I just had this gut feeling that if I get married this will be my whole life. I would always have to be in competition with his mother. But he is so nice and sweet. I never felt so in love with anyone like I did with him. He brings me flowers, he takes care of me, he treats me like a queen. But I do not like his family at all.
I broke it off with him. He was understandably sad. He asked for a reason. I just told him, I didn’t feel good about our relationship. That we are not compatible. There were tears but I left. Now I am sitting in my aunt's house writing this.
One moment I felt like calling him and telling him I had cold feet. We are perfect together. We earn well, we have similar hobbies, and we are sexually compatible. But this one thing about him just bugs me a lot. I am heartbroken. I know I don’t deserve to be because I was the one who called it off.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's initial post:
TopAd7154
You should have told him the real reason.
mattromo
OP mentions that she gew up in an abusive household, well it seems that be ex did do. Just his was an emotionally abusive upbringing and harder for him and his sisters to acknowledge.
Rosemarysage5
The fact that he witnessed his family’s bad behavior and didn’t jump in to defend her or suggest that they leave after the mean comments means that she would have to do a ton of work just to get him to acknowledge their behavior and then move to pushing back against him for the first time in his life. That’s an uphill battle for someone who has already been in an abusive family.
Every_Caterpillar945
You should really tell him the real reson. Even if you don't get end up married, he at least can take the lesson that he has to set clear boundaries with his parents and mean girl sister if he ever wants to bring another woman to their home w/o them breaking up with him afterwards. Maybe he is just so used to his mom and sister being mean, he doesn't even realize what a dealbreaker they are.
The OP responded here:
ThrowRA_noFamily21
I think his mom treating Mia like trash was the last straw for me. Like she got cheated on by her boyfriend and sister yet she still showed up to the family gathering only for her to be harassed. I felt bad for her.
Sportylady09
You should tell him. I don’t think it’ll change anything, but after two years and an engagement- I think it’s justified. I think the concerning thing about this whole situation is:
He said his Mom is like this with everyone. Pokes holes. He sees the way his sister Mia is treated. Knows the situation with the cheating. Still sees his Mom treat his sister horribly. Dad sits off to the side. He’s used to the abuse and as long as it’s directed at someone else, he’s content.
I know after reading so many posts about toxic in-laws, I’m flabbergasted by how individuals that are on the toxic side, can’t come to terms with how wrong it is sooner. After so long, and folks being around other families and living a grown up life, can’t accept what’s in front of them when a partners being treated like garbage.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
"Update. I talked to his sister Mia."
ThrowRA_noFamily21
I just talked to his sister Mia on the phone. It was a surprise to me that she wanted to talk. She got the news of us breaking up and asked if we could talk on the phone. I agreed. I was desperate to hear any news from him. We talked for like an hour or so.
It was mostly her telling me how her family was toxic. That I made the right decision because her mom had a weird obsession with her baby boy. Also she doesn’t know why she is the black sheep of her family. She was not adopted nor was she an affair child.
She also mentioned her mother was a bit of racist because of where I came from. Overall that day she wanted to warn me. I asked why my ex doesn’t treat her right? She said my ex is in delusion that they have a picture perfect home but he doesn’t realize how toxic his mother is.
She did bring it up with him and he just said that they are family. So families shouldn’t hold grudges. Honestly I felt bad for her. She also said she will be going NC with her family.
She thought she could salvage their relationship and let them be a part of her life but she decided she doesn’t want that. She also shared some personal information about her relationship status and future. But I do not want to share that.
It’s not my place to share it. But she told me to meet him and tell him the truth. He deserves to know why I don’t want to be a part of his family. He needs to hear the truth. I will be meeting him tomorrow. And yeah as a lot of you guys requested I will give an update to you guys.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
Spuffy93
Poor Mia I hope going no contact will help her find peace. You did the right thing breaking up with him and maybe saying his sister got away from the toxic family and you doing the same could be a wake up call for him too.
Please, don't get back with him unless he promises to be on your side and keep the contact with the family to a minimum if things don't change. (I would suggest therapy for mom and sister). Even more put in place rules about your future because this woman (his mom) should never be left alone with your future kids (if you want to have them)
Love is good, but a toxic family in law is not something you want to get into unless you have the support and understanding of your significant other (something that you didn't have during that first meeting)
The OP responded here:
ThrowRA_noFamily21
Don't worry. She is fine. She is not hung up on BIL regardless of what her mom and sister says. She is going NC because of a very personal reason which she didn’t want to share but it is good for her. As for my ex. I will talk to him.
WearyYogurtcloset589
updateme! I'm happy that you've decided to tellhim the truth,this may help him realise how toxic his family really is. Also Mia should have gone no contact with them when her sister started cheating with ther then boyfriend and was obviously being supported by their mother.
Caprisal
Thank you for updating us ! I feel bad for Mia and what she had gone through and am glad she found the strength to go NC. Also, the situation with your ex seems tricky, the only way to stay together is if he's okay to go NC with his own family, but it seems like he sees his family as completely normal and healthy and that's a big red flag.
It basically means that you'll have to sit and watch his mom "poison" your relationship to make him hate you over time. You'll eventually know where things go after you both talk. On another note, the way his mom acts makes me think of the psychological concept of mother-son Enmeshement.
Ten days later, the OP returned with another update.
"I broke up with my fiance because of his family. (Update)"
ThrowRA_noFamily21
Hello guys, I promised I will come back with an update. I did it. I finally talked to him. I told him everything that I mentioned in the post. And also about my feelings for his family. Especially how they are treated Mia. Needless to say he was upset.
He tried to convince me this is all in my head. That I shouldn’t throwaway our relationship because of his family. His family will accept me if I become a part of it. I tried to explain things from my own perspective. But he wasn’t budging.
Then the topic of Mia came. He said it is unfair that even his sister is abandoning the family. He mentioned Mia's big news and she said she doesn’t want to be a part of their family. I told him I knew about it because I talked to Mia.
That seem to upset him even more. He is pissed that Mia shared her news to me before his family. I got angry and told him this is exactly why I do not want to be a part of his family. Her mother has made racist comments to me (I'm half Bengali).
His mother treated me like an outsider and didn’t make me feel welcome. His family is very toxic. I grew up in a toxic family. I don’t want to die in one. Maybe someday he will find a woman his mother approves off but that woman is not me.
We had a big fight. He was obviously defending his family. He was not willing to listen what I had to say. Overall he was very dismissive. We ended oir conversation in a very bad note. I am sad about it. Aside from his family drama he was a good guy.
But I don’t think I can handle his family. Because you don’t just marry one person. You marry their entire family. They didn’t even bother to know me at all. So that's the update.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update from the OP:
WearyYogurtcloset589
I was waiting on this update. I'm happy that you did speak to him,at least now you truly know for sure it wouldn't have been a good marriage. You dodged a bullet. I hope you go on to find a wonderful man.
Pretend-Feedback-546
Holy. Crap. She has great judgement. Good for her for getting away.
stolenfires
I'd watch the OP/Mia buddy sitcom as they become roommates in a totally new city and navigate life together.
knittedjedi
"Needless to say he was upset. He tried to convince me this is all in my head."
Hoo boy.
Global_Reference_746
I hope Mia never ever talks to them.
Fleshmaster
"I grew up in a toxic family. I don’t want to die in one."
Great line and smart perspective.
peter095837
Staying in a relationship with someone who has a toxic family and the partner is willing to defend them will bring nothing but misery. OP really dodged a bullet on this one. But at the same time, it's kind of frustrating to see OP still thinks he is a "good guy" when really, he isn't.
h4tdogchizdog
You know that emotional incest thing that some therapists say about mothers and their baby boys? Yeah, seems applicable. I kind of want to see an MRI scan of their brains just to see what lights up when they think about their baby boy.