My daughter is 20 and in college. She has a dorm on campus but she doesn’t live there. I love my daughter but she can be a lot. Drama follows her everywhere and I was hoping she would grow out of it but it never happened. Due to this she has gone through multiple friends group and as she puts it, they are jealous so she doesn’t have college friends.
Now, I married when she turned 18. I was never married and her biological mom wasn’t in the picture. So, this was an adjustment. But, I want to make it clear I did the right steps. I introduced them when I was serious (2 years in.)
I spent more time with her and I didn’t force them together. We made boundaries for my wife, like punishment comes to me not her. When she was struggling, I got her into therapy and did sessions with her. She stopped when she hit 18, since I can’t make her go.
My daughter is making it impossible for them to get along, if my wife tells her food is ready she gets pissed she is bothering her. If she doesn’t tell her than she is pissed she wasn’t invited. It’s contradiction after contradiction. I have talked to her, my wife has tried to do what she asked and then she is pissed she did that. It’s impossible.
Now to the main issue. My wife’s birthday was yesterday. I put out her presents/cake on the table. I had to leave for work, so I left it. I came back and all her presents were opened and my daughter was eating a piece of cake. I asked why the fuck she would do that. She told me she doesn’t deserve birthday presents.
This is when I had enough and told her if she hates her stepmom so much she can leave. That she has a dorm and I don’t want to see her until she has an apology to me and my wife. She started crying and called me a jerk. I having getting a lot of texts from her and I am doubting my decision.
NTA, your daughter is a brat. You saying "I am doubting my decision" makes me wonder if you may have been enabling her more than you realize?
I grew up in a suck it up type of home, so I really tried to make her home safe and where she can express anything. I wish I just told her at the beginning she needs to cope.
So I think I went to far in the other direction.
We call that 'the pendulum effect'. It's like with aggression/passivity. Someone who's been passive most of their lives learning to be more assertive always swing heavy towards aggression first, because they were so far to the passive side.
It takes a little swinging from passive to aggressive back and forth to settle in at a comfortable, reasonable assertive point. You've been enabling her and letting her 'be safe' for so long, that you're going to need to give her some tough love to adjust. And you might want to swing back into enabling again, but you won't be doing her any favors if you do.
This has to be a wake-up call to you in order to provide her with a wake-up call for her. She's in college, she has no friends because everyone is jealous of her?? Umm.. you know that's BS, right? Her mum isn’t in the picture, she's pushing her family away, and she refuses therapy.
This girl is a brat. You know it OP, you love her as you should, she's your daughter and it's hard to see your kid crying, but you need to stop parenting from guilt and see the big picture here. If she doesn't change her attitude, there's a very lonely life path ahead for her. She's an adult now, and this childishness needs to stop.
You need to stay strong and make her see that this behaviour is unacceptable, that she can't treat people like crap, that she needs an attitude adjustment, and that you're serious about it. It might hurt her for a little while, but it's for the best in the long run.
NTA. I’m assuming this is your only child. It appears your daughter has some serious only child syndrome issues. Her behavior is so over the top immature. Wow! An apology is not enough.
She needs to get herself back in to counseling and get some help. She has some problems that you and your wife are not equipped to deal with. Your daughter appears to have serious adjustment problems & clearly she is lacking interpersonal skills.
eta — your wife is not the problem. Your daughter appears to have no ability to predict the consequences of her actions and decisions. That is alarming. Do not allow her to manipulate you anymore. You’re not doing her any favors by enabling her behavior.