OP cannot forgive dad for betraying late mother's wishes, immediately remarrying. AITA?
"AITA for saying my dad failed me by moving too fast after my mom died?"
Calm-Albatross9859
I was 8 when I lost my mom to cancer. She knew her time was coming and I was told about it by my parents. It was a pretty traumatic time and some memories stuck while others faded. But I will always remember waking up in the middle of the night and hearing my mom ask my dad to take time after she died to move on.
She said she knew I would need that and he needed to be there for me and to put me first. She also admitted she was scared that he was going to forget about her because he wouldn't want to deal with his pain.
She said she didn't want to be forgotten or replaced. I don't even remember if my dad said anything. But I knew my mom was crying while she was talking and I was crying too. She wasn't wrong. I had already started falling apart when I knew she wouldn't be there anymore.
My dad dated almost as soon as my mom was in the ground and 6 months later he introduced me to the woman who would be his second wife. There was no support for me during that time. He focused on doing everything mom feared he would.
His second wife from the get go was like "I'm going to marry your dad and I'll be his wife and your new mom". The next few years were awful and I hated my dad for moving on so fast, too fast for me, and for doing his best to make mom the past and replace her with his second wife.
It was only 2 years ago when things got better. My grandparents intervened on my behalf after being ignored for years. It helped so much to have them step up and do what needed to be done for me. I was lost. Barely making it through school and my friendships were almost non-existent because I was so depressed. I actually ended up diagnosed with depression.
My dad's wife thought that would be when I would start coming around to her and letting her in. But I still have no interest in a second mom or pretending she's anything more than some woman my dad is married to.
He doesn't really care either but he'll do whatever she wants so we all started therapy together a year ago. After four months the therapist wanted her to leave and for it to be just dad and me. It really hasn't been going anywhere.
But then last week, his wife was determined to join us again and the therapist was like, you know what, speak up (to me) and say everything you have said in our 1:1 sessions. So I did. I told my dad he failed me by moving on too fast.
I said he betrayed mom by making sure her biggest fear came through and by not doing the right thing by me, the child she gave him, his only child. I said he was hardly a dad to me since mom got sick. I told him he hadn't realized I was depressed, he didn't seem to care either, and he pretty much spat on my mom's grave with his actions.
The therapist told him that he should care way more than he does and told his wife she was being unrealistic with her expectations and needed to let them go. It was afterward they both got mad and told me I had been cruel and not honest. I'm now at my grandparents house but they still text to say I'm wrong. So AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
KronkLaSworda
NTA. Stay with your grandparents and enjoy their company. Focus on your classes. If your dad and SM do or don't come around, that's on them and you can't control it.
The OP responded here:
Calm-Albatross9859
I've been focusing a lot more on school the last two years. I was behind after so long of just not caring about school or anything. I would like to give myself options even though I'm not entirely sure what I would want to do.
Famous_Region3862
NTA. It’s your dads job as a parent to look after your well-being. You were a young child who needed to be put first by your remaining parent. Your father did fail you. He continues to fail you. I’m sorry this is happening to you. You deserve better.
The OP again responded:
Calm-Albatross9859
Thank you. I wish back then my grandparents could have taken me. I might have some happier memories of the last few years.
3xlduck
NTA. That's the whole point of therapy, to air out the feelings. If your therapist directed you to air it out, and you did, then you're doing therapy.
Family therapy can be a lot of hard work and many things that are difficult to hear are said along the way. But it's also good that your family is in therapy and hopefully things can get better for you and everyone else.
The OP again responded:
Calm-Albatross9859
I consider the session where everything happened our last. I'll go back to speak to her alone but I think we're done with it as a group.
StrongTxWoman
NTA. Op, I am so sorry. I understand your dad probably saw your mom gone before she passed away. That's what happened to my FIL. He introduced his gf to us a week after MIL passed away and got married in 4 months.
Regardless, your father neglected his duty as a father and made your fear come true. Please be strong. Both the he and his wife are wrong. They just want to play happy family.
InVinoVeritas-94
NTA - we all grieve in different ways but you were a child and your father should have stepped up to plate. Instead he put his own feelings ahead of yours and buried them, taking no care in thinking about how you must be handling the grief. He has been selfish. There is a difference between using honesty maliciously and being honest.
It was your therapist who told you to speak the truth, out of their obvious concern that your father and step mum clearly weren’t getting it. Your father and step mum are only angry as they’ve been forced to face the truth and they don’t like it, as they’re the ones at fault.
They would rather shove all their problems under the carpet. It’s great you have your grandparents as support as it seems unfortunately you won’t get it from your father.