Stepsister wants half the money dad gave sis for her wedding; 'he's my dad, too.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my stepsister it’s not my fault my dad doesn’t love her?"
tootiredforthissss
My (24f) dad is married to a woman I’ll call Melissa, and they’ve been married for 13 years. Melissa has a daughter, Sara (25).
I didn’t live with my dad full time growing up. My parents had shared custody but it was pretty flexible, so I’d spend an average 2 nights there a week and my dad would normally take me to dinner one evening a week. I have never had much of a relationship with Melissa but we’ve always been friendly.
Sara, on the other hand, has always been jealous of me and my relationship with my dad. Anything I was doing, she wanted to do, anywhere I was going with my dad, she wanted to come. My dad always handled it, but I was always aware that she was clearly unhappy when I was around.
My dad and I spoke about this more than once, and my dad expressed that he found Sara always expecting things from him a bit stressful and that he had brought it up with Melissa but it didn’t seem to help.
I haven’t seen Sara much in the last few years since I moved away, but I recently got engaged so my fiancé and I had dinner with my dad, Melissa, Sara, and her fiancé to celebrate. My dad made a toast, and said he’d like to pay for the wedding.
He then presented us with a cheque. I thanked him, but said we will be paying for the wedding ourselves. My dad said he wanted to contribute to our lives in some way, and my fiancé suggested we could put the money into a trust for our future child. We then continued on with the dinner.
The next day, I got a call from Sara, who said I should split the money my dad gave me for the wedding with her. I was confused and asked why, and Sara said that my dad is a father figure to both of us. I told her if my dad wanted to give her money he would have and that it has nothing to do with me.
Sara started getting mad and said that I should share the money since I didn’t need it. She swore at me, called me mean, spoilt, a gold digger, all sorts. Then she said it was my fault she never had a dad and I need to share the money and admit my dad is her dad, too. I was just getting so annoyed and said, “it’s not my fault he doesn’t love you, if you want money from him, ask him” and hung up on her.
I guess he did ask him, because my dad called and got mad at me for blowing up on her, saying I didn’t have to be that harsh with her. He said it’s caused a lot of drama between him and Melissa and Sara.
He said I didn’t have to respond to Sara’s goading, and maybe that’s true but I don’t think I’m the AH for saying what he was too scared to, especially when I was being blamed for something that has nothing to do with me.
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
Libba_Loo
NTA, your stepsis clearly has some demons that are no one's responsibility but hers. I hope for the sake of her fiance and future children that she deals with them. I'm also amused she called you a "gold digger" when she was the one who called you up and demanded you give her money.
As for your father's troubles, this is something that he should have nipped in the bud a long time ago. IDK where Sara's father is or if he's alive or in her life, but it was never realistic on her part to expect your father to take his place, and that should have been made clear to her from the beginning, maybe she should have been in therapy or something.
abeleo
Eh. given that he has been married to her mother since she was 12(and presumably in her life even longer), expecting him to be more fatherly is fairly reasonable.
similar_name4489
NTA he knows how stepsister would react given the history, and yet still he chose to give you a check right in front of her at the dinner (he could have done it when he had a moment alone with you or something, could gave invited you two out for coffee or something). He set her off, not you, and he can take responsibility for it for once.
mewley
Honestly your dad is the AH for making a big deal of presenting you with a check in front of everyone. That was a total set up for you and Sara given your history and a very self-aggrandizing way to go about what is otherwise a lovely and generous gesture.
As between you and Sara, I guess I’d say you’re NTA only because she was so far out line that I can understand why you pushed back. But it was still a really cruel thing to say.
Subject-Engine-2582
The AH in this story is your dad- your dad obviously never stepped into the father role for Sara and she has seen the difference between how he treats you and how he treats her.
Also, if he never intended to give money towards her wedding, it was a low blow to announce in front of her and her fiancé that he wanted to pay for your entire wedding. He could have told you that away from her, not throw it in her face. You’re NTA but I would have a discussion with your dad.
The OP responded here:
tootiredforthissss
What do you mean by talk to him?
Subject-Engine-2582
I mean let him that what he did was wrong. Say to him “I think it really hurt Sara that you offered to pay for my entire wedding in front of her when you’ve offered her nothing. That was a conversation that should have been held in private.”
The OP again responded:
tootiredforthissss
He knows it hurt her, now that’s he’s been confronted with it. I’m not planning to get involved in this issue more than I already (unwillingly) have been. There is a reason I’m not close to any of these people.