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Stepson blames stepmom for missing father's funeral, she insists his mother is to blame.

Stepson blames stepmom for missing father's funeral, she insists his mother is to blame.

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"AITA for telling my step-son to blame his mom because he didn’t get to go to his dad’s funeral?"

AdventurousToe3610

My late husband, William, had 2 children from 2 previous relationships. Alyssa (who’s now 30) was from his first marriage. His first wife died when Alyssa was 5. A few years later, he had Logan (who’s now 22) with his then-girlfriend, Brenda.

It was a very short-lived relationship. By the time I married William, Brenda had moved Logan to London, where she was originally from. Logan would fly out to visit a couple of times a year, with William and I going over there as well.

We were never super close given the distance. Alyssa and I did build a bond as we lived together full time and I ended up adopting her. William and I also had 2 children together.

When Logan was 13 and Alyssa was 21, William was diagnosed with cancer. He deteriorated quickly. We both tried to pay for Logan to come out to say goodbye but Brenda kept saying it wasn’t a good time. Unfortunately, William passed before he could see his son one last time.

William’s request was to be cremated and have the ashes spread at the end of his favorite trail. Once again, I insisted on paying for Brenda and Logan to come back to the states. Brenda kept putting it off.

First saying she didn’t want to disrupt the school year. But when summer came, she found excuse after excuse. Soon, it was nearly a year and there had been no celebration of life.

Myself, Alyssa, my other 2 kids and the rest of William’s family felt as though it wasn’t fair to anyone. Finally, I gave Brenda a list of dates and told her to pick one. She did. But when it came time to actually booking tickets, she refused.

When I said I’d pay, she suddenly found another excuse. Unable to wait any longer, we held the celebration of life. It was a beautiful day that I’ll never forget. It finally helped me begin my grieving journey.

Brenda was pissed and after this, cut contact. Alyssa tried making arrangements to visit but Brenda wouldn’t let her. Finally, when Logan was 18, he reached out to her and they rebuilt a relationship. Through her, he’s also began talking to his other two siblings. Alyssa’s visited him a few times.

Last week, Logan came to the states. He was happy to see his younger siblings but was very stand-offish with me. At one point, Alyssa and the kids took Logan to the trail. When they returned, all of them were understandably emotional.

I was comforting Alyssa when Logan snapped. He said it wasn’t fair I held the celebration without him and that he missed his dad’s funeral. He started screaming at me that I was selfish not to wait.

I told him that I understand why he’s upset, but his mother is to blame. She’s the one who refused to let him come out. Were we not supposed to have a funeral for 9 years? Logan got even more upset and left the house, getting a hotel.

Alyssa agrees we did nothing wrong by holding the service when we did but thinks I should’ve just let Logan vent vs blaming his mom. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers:

SassyPieHole03

What other choice did you have? Lying to him and apologising for something you didn't do?He's an adult now and this is a conversation he needs to be having with his mother and you've just facilitated that enabling it to take place. And not before time. NTA.

SubstantialYouth9106

NTA. It is time for you to have a hardcore conversation with Logan and pull out all of the receipts on his mother. You went above and beyond and did everything you could to include not only Logan but also Brenda.

She does not get to lie to you and have Logan hate you for her childishness. It would also be helpful to have family members on your husband's side back you up. Never allow people to tarnish your name and make you look bad when that could be further from the truth.

Individual_Candle395

NTA … maybe things could have been said differently in a more compassionate way, but no way Im taking the heat for Brenda when she clearly kept putting it off for her son to go there.

This guy also isn’t going to make me feel awkward in my own home so I’d be glad he got the hotel Room. I feel for him not being able to be there but hey you and everyone who was present clearly needed that too.

Maybe while he’s there you can plan something to celebrate his life and have Logan take part. Go to husbands favourite place to be or place to eat, do all his favourite things that Logan remembers doing with him maybe.

excel_pager_420

Tbh, he's an adult. I would send him all the messages you sent Brenda regarding a final visit and the scattering of ashes, your offers to pay, with a message, "me and your Dad did everything we could to fly you out for one final visit, and I fought for a year to have you here for the scattering of ashes.

Eventually it became obvious your Mother wasn't going to permit it, and I made the difficult decision not to continue delaying everyone else's grief indefinitely.

You need to take this up with your mother because I did everything in my power to try and make sure at the very least you could be here for ashes after you didn't get to see him for the last time." He's 22. He deserves to know the truth. NTA.

OooArkAtShe

Oh this is a horrible situation, I'm sorry for your loss and for the fallout with your children and their sibling. NTA. It's difficult, but as long as you recognise and are supportive of Logan's emotions, the right thing to do is to tell the truth.

As long as you're only explaining, and not criticising Brenda, you're not doing anything wrong. (ETA: And I don't think being critical of Brenda's decisions in a different situation would be unreasonable, but not to Logan, and definitely not now.)

Successful_Bath1200

NTA. Honesty is the always the best policy with this type of thing. He will vent some more, but next time hopefully it will be at his Mum. If you still have emails and texts proving this forward them to him.

So, if you could give the OP any advice, what would you say? Is it possible to heal these wounds?

Sources: Reddit
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