My (26F) father (59M) has been dating "Paula" (38F) for 4 years. I never got to know her well, as I was about to move out when we met. My sister (20F) still lives between our parents and likes Paula, but finds her annoying.
Paula has an odd attitude towards pregnancy. It became the most obvious when my cousin announced she was expecting back in 2021. Her daughter would be the first great-grandchild.
We hadn't been sure my grandma would be around for that. And after an emotional announcement in which everyone was overjoyed, Paula commented that she felt it wasn't a big deal, and "didn't get what all the fuss was about." She kept that stance for all 9 months. But once the baby was born, Paula suddenly became a bit too interested in her, which my cousin was clearly uncomfortable with.
My husband (28M) and I announced our pregnancy earlier this year. At first, my father was over the moon. Since this is his first grandchild, I believed that would last. But as I heard from my sister, Paula was just as condescending as we expected, if not more.
Whenever I announced anything about my pregnancy or baby (sex, first kicks, ultrasound pictures, etc.), Paula always reacted with one of 3 phrases: "okay," "that's not that big a deal", or "is that all she talks about these days?" I didn't care about it at first. But after a few weeks, I started to notice my father was also losing any interest he had in my pregnancy.
As the months went by, he became increasingly detached and standoffish. He started to either ignore or not pay attention to most of the updates I made on my baby.
He also didn't come to our "name reveal" (we did that instead of a gender reveal; it was literally just a lunch party with a game we made up) or the baby shower because, and I quote, "Paula doesn't think it's worth it."
My son was born on Halloween, and I decided not to tell my father and Paula. After almost nine months of excuses and disinterest, I didn't see any reason to. I was in the hospital for 4 days, during which only mine and my husband's closest friends and family visited us.
The day before we left, I posted a picture of my son on Instagram, and that's when my father found out. He called to ask why I hadn't told him and Paula or invited them to meet my baby. I didn't lie: they didn't make any efforts to get involved (both emotionally and physically) during my pregnancy, so they'd have to wait for baby news like everybody else.
My father and Paula are furious, accusing me of using my son as a pawn and keeping them away out of pettiness.They're saying I'm holding the fact that they "missed a few dumb parties" against them.
My husband and pretty much my whole family agrees with me. My sister, while mostly on my side, still thinks I should have told my father, since this is his first grandchild and he had to find out he was born through social media. She thinks this is all Paula's fault and I should apologize to our dad. AITA?
INFO: Has Paula ever been pregnant/had kids herself?
Her disinterest in pregnancy details and then being super into your cousin's baby once they were born seems to me like it's her being jealous that she never went through that.
No, but from what I gather, she doesn't want to.
And of course there's nothing wrong with that, but this really comes across to me as her having unresolved feelings about her decision to not have kids. Perhaps her feelings are exacerbated by people around her having kids, her getting older, being with a much older man, etc.
She sounds like she's trying to convince herself and everyone else that because she didn't have kids, she has to poopoo on anyone that wants to celebrate those milestones that she didn't ever have. You're NTA.
NTA- your dad made a choice and that choice was to care more about Paula's feelings than yours.
Lol. NTA. And further more, don't have any second thoughts about if what you did was right or wrong. The BS, he (your pops) might not have.....probably didn't know.... wasn't aware..... It's all bull. He is a grown ass man who has children of his own!!! He knows everything that happens during a pregnancy!!!
You get what you give.....no relationship should be an excuse to treat people like shit. He gave off "IDGAF" vibes and you just reflected it back. You shouldn't have to go out of your way. Your job is to grow a baby, your dad's job is to grow a pair.
You're doing great. Set the boundaries and stick to them. You don't "owe" them a relationship with your son. That needs to be earned and nurtured by him. Good luck and congratulations 🎉