'AITA for kicking out my girlfriend and her son after she invited her ex into our home?' UPDATED
"AITA for kicking out my girlfriend and her son after she invited her ex into our home?"
Additional_Door_3206
Me (35m) and my gf, Sara (35f) have been together for 4 years. She has a son, Nathan (9m), with her ex Mark (36m). Sara has full custody of Nathan with her ex having scheduled visitations one weekend of every month. Sara and Nathan moved in with me a little over a year and a half ago and in my perspective, it was a little rocky at first.
I've always been pretty protective of my space, so making room for two other people was difficult for me. When Sara moved in with me, we agreed that the visitations for Mark would be held in our apartment as long as I'm home.
The main reason I wanted this is because I don't know Mark that well and I don't want him wandering around our apartment without me there. When we proposed this idea to Mark, he was fine with it.
Now, moving on to the real issue. Three weeks ago marked four months since Mark's last visit, so I had asked Sara when he was planning on visiting Nathan. My girlfriend replied by shrugging her shoulders and telling me she'd ask. She never followed up with it.
So a few days ago, I again asked when Mark's next visit was and Sara said she'd tell me when she knew. Nathan was in the living room but had apparently overheard us and shouted something along the lines of "dad was here last weekend remember."
Sara's face immediately dropped and when I asked what Nathan meant, she wouldn't give me a direct answer. Eventually she ended up telling me that for the past two visits, Mark had been to our apartment when I was working.
When I accused her of going back on our agreement, she kept telling me this was her home too and she could invite whoever she wanted, and that it was fine because she was here and watching. I told her that was besides the point and she violated my trust. It blew up into a huge argument with ended in me telling her to get out of my apartment.
She packed up and left with Nathan. Last I heard she was staying with her parents. I've gotten several messages from both Sara and her parents calling me an a-hole for kicking Sara and Nathan out of their home for something so small. She's even been blasting me on Instagram and Facebook about how horrible I am to do this to her. It's got me thinking I might be the AH but I'm not entirely sure yet. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
littlerunaway1984
NTA, not only did she broke the only rule you had (for whatever reason) but she lied about it multiple times and seems never had intention to tell you until the kid revealed the truth. If she had an issue with the single boundary you've set, she should've talked to you and "renegotiate" it, but she didn't bother.
And I'm sorry, but letting someone move in with you doesn't automatically makes you and them 100% equal residents in a house you own, especially when it comes to conditions that were agreed on before the move.
MyHairs0nFire2023
NTA. The fact that she’s now trying to smear you publicly is a manipulative tactic usually solely reserved for AH trying to drum up support for their “side” to manipulate the other person to give in on an issue OR harm the other person as much as possible as punishment for NOT giving in on an issue. That alone shows what kind of person she is. You dodged a bullet.
JakeDC
She is trying to publicly make OP look controlling and manipulative, when in reality he invited the two of them into his home, had one simple rule, and she broke it and was dishonest about it in a super shady way. But she doesn't want to be accountable and she seems to have a bunch of people who will enable her.
Open-Negotiation6232
NTA- she lied to you multiple times, and when she got caught her response was to try to emotionally manipulate you into accepting this blatant violation of your boundaries.
Even if this was entirely above board (though she wouldn't have had to lie if it was) and she didn't do anything with her ex, there's clearly no respect for you here.
serenasplaycousin
NTA. All the folks voting YTA are deluded. She lied about her ex visiting when you weren’t home (something she agreed to) instead of discussing the need for changing the agreement in advance. Why doesn’t the ex meet with his child at his place?
louvellyn
ESH. She shouldn't have lied and that's weird. But, dude... you kicked them out like they were guests. You just said they've been living there for a year and a half. You kicked a child out of his home instantly on a whim, for something he had nothing to do with. WTF.
I hope at least you consider this a break up and are done with them both in your life, because if you have any notion of treating this as a standard couple's dispute that needs resolving after THAT....
Anon_457
NTA. If she thought it was 'fine' for her ex to visit your apartment, she would have said something and she did not. In fact, she hid the fact that he'd been there not once but twice. This was a clear boundary and she crossed it. That's a red flag there and I'm not sure you should be in a relationship with her after this.
A few days later OP came back with this update:
I know it's fairly early in the morning whilst I'm posting this, but I got off the phone with my ex and figured you all deserved an update. First off, I wanted to thank all of the feedback and comments I got on my post, I didn't think it would get that much attention but here we are.
There were a lot of different opinions on who was in the wrong, but after going over a ton of them, I realised I wasn't as non-a%$#oley as I thought. Now onto the update, as I'm sure that's what all of you came back for. It's not too exciting so I'm sorry in advance.
Firstly on Monday, I had a locksmith come by in order to change the locks (which I got the go ahead from my landlord, and I ordered a new door camera that should be coming in sometime next week. After that, I hadn't heard from my ex until Tuesday, when she called me from a number I didn't recognise (her mother's) in order to apologise.
She started crying over the phone, begging me to take her back and that she made a mistake and how awful it was being back at her parent's house. She complained that everything was a mess and that there was a smell she hated. She even promised to never bring Mark over again as long as she could move back.
I ended up telling her that she had lost my trust and that I wasn't going to move past this simply because she was having a difficult time at her parent's house. I told her this was her consequence for breaking the one thing I asked her to do when she moved in. When she realised I wasn't budging, it's like a flip had been switched.
She started screaming at me, using lots of colourful language I won't be repeating here. Among the list of swears, she told me I had no right kicking her out of her home, that I was criticising her as a parent, that I was manipulative and ignorant and that nobody would ever love me because not even she loved me.
Before she hung up, she told me she'd get me evicted and take my apartment from me. I blocked the number after. I ended up emailing my landlord in order to see if there was any way she could get me evicted. I'm not sure if I mentioned it in my post, but I've been pretty good friend's with his son for a while.
He ended up calling me and laughing about the whole situation, telling me that legally she has no ground to stand on since her name was never on the lease. According to him, she was simply a live-in guest until her name was added. Thank goodness it never was.
Which brings us to earlier this morning, where my ex woke me up to call me (this time from her father's number) and repeated most of the things I listed above.
Apparently she had contacted my landlord and he had hung up on her (thank you David.) By the end of it, I told her to stop contacting me and that we were over for good. I blocked her father's number as well.
It's not the most exciting update as I said earlier, but it's what happened. Some people in the comments suggested I talk to my landlord, which is what I ended up doing, so thank you to those people.
From readers:
Good job standing your ground. Keep Ignoring the lunatics defending her and shirking accountability and defend your peace.
You did the right thing, that woman is not worth it and she showed her true colors even more with the first call.
If she calls you again, make sure to record the call, because I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to make this something nuclear and she wants to come and fuck at your work.