Me (35m) and my gf, Sara (35f) have been together for 4 years. She has a son, Nathan (9m), with her ex Mark (36m). Sara has full custody of Nathan with her ex having scheduled visitations one weekend of every month. Sara and Nathan moved in with me a little over a year and a half ago and in my perspective, it was a little rocky at first.
I've always been pretty protective of my space, so making room for two other people was difficult for me. When Sara moved in with me, we agreed that the visitations for Mark would be held in our apartment as long as I'm home.
The main reason I wanted this is because I don't know Mark that well and I don't want him wandering around our apartment without me there. When we proposed this idea to Mark, he was fine with it.
Now, moving on to the real issue. Three weeks ago marked four months since Mark's last visit, so I had asked Sara when he was planning on visiting Nathan. My girlfriend replied by shrugging her shoulders and telling me she'd ask. She never followed up with it.
So a few days ago, I again asked when Mark's next visit was and Sara said she'd tell me when she knew. Nathan was in the living room but had apparently overheard us and shouted something along the lines of "dad was here last weekend remember."
Sara's face immediately dropped and when I asked what Nathan meant, she wouldn't give me a direct answer. Eventually she ended up telling me that for the past two visits, Mark had been to our apartment when I was working.
When I accused her of going back on our agreement, she kept telling me this was her home too and she could invite whoever she wanted, and that it was fine because she was here and watching. I told her that was besides the point and she violated my trust. It blew up into a huge argument with ended in me telling her to get out of my apartment.
She packed up and left with Nathan. Last I heard she was staying with her parents. I've gotten several messages from both Sara and her parents calling me an a-hole for kicking Sara and Nathan out of their home for something so small. She's even been blasting me on Instagram and Facebook about how horrible I am to do this to her. It's got me thinking I might be the AH but I'm not entirely sure yet. AITA?
NTA, not only did she broke the only rule you had (for whatever reason) but she lied about it multiple times and seems never had intention to tell you until the kid revealed the truth. If she had an issue with the single boundary you've set, she should've talked to you and "renegotiate" it, but she didn't bother.
And I'm sorry, but letting someone move in with you doesn't automatically makes you and them 100% equal residents in a house you own, especially when it comes to conditions that were agreed on before the move.
NTA. The fact that she’s now trying to smear you publicly is a manipulative tactic usually solely reserved for AH trying to drum up support for their “side” to manipulate the other person to give in on an issue OR harm the other person as much as possible as punishment for NOT giving in on an issue. That alone shows what kind of person she is. You dodged a bullet.
She is trying to publicly make OP look controlling and manipulative, when in reality he invited the two of them into his home, had one simple rule, and she broke it and was dishonest about it in a super shady way. But she doesn't want to be accountable and she seems to have a bunch of people who will enable her.
NTA- she lied to you multiple times, and when she got caught her response was to try to emotionally manipulate you into accepting this blatant violation of your boundaries.
Even if this was entirely above board (though she wouldn't have had to lie if it was) and she didn't do anything with her ex, there's clearly no respect for you here.
NTA. All the folks voting YTA are deluded. She lied about her ex visiting when you weren’t home (something she agreed to) instead of discussing the need for changing the agreement in advance. Why doesn’t the ex meet with his child at his place?
ESH. She shouldn't have lied and that's weird. But, dude... you kicked them out like they were guests. You just said they've been living there for a year and a half. You kicked a child out of his home instantly on a whim, for something he had nothing to do with. WTF.
I hope at least you consider this a break up and are done with them both in your life, because if you have any notion of treating this as a standard couple's dispute that needs resolving after THAT....
NTA. If she thought it was 'fine' for her ex to visit your apartment, she would have said something and she did not. In fact, she hid the fact that he'd been there not once but twice. This was a clear boundary and she crossed it. That's a red flag there and I'm not sure you should be in a relationship with her after this.