My (30F) gma passed away a little over a year ago now. She raised my twin sis (Kate) and I ever since our parents died when we were 6. She was a kind, generous, and loving to us during our childhood. Even so, she was a devout Christian and firmly against the LGBTQ community.
I knew I was gay from the start. Luckily I had many good friends and adult figures in my life that helped me. They all agreed that I shouldn’t tell my gma. My grandpa died years ago, but left a substantial amount of life insurance $. She used that to support my sister and I. She encouraged us to go to college and offered to pay in full.
My sister and I weren’t close, but not enemies either. We just have different personalities. She’s similar to my gma, so they were actually a lot closer to each other than me. I came out to Kate when we were 16. She didn’t approve of it but never told my gma anything. We had a silent understanding.
Kate got a degree, moved back to our hometown and became a SAHM after she met her husband and had a kid. Gma lived with them so Kate cared for her. I’m now a lawyer and live in a big city. My gma was proud, but kept pushing me to find a husband and have kids like my sis.
I told her I hadn’t found the right guy yet right up until she died. I have a fiancée Jen (31F) who I’ve been dating for 2.5 years. In the last 3 years of her life gma was very ill and I didn’t wanna stress her out any more with me coming out. I just told her that Jen was my best friend. Gma left an impressive amount of inheritance for me and Kate to split 50/50.
Me and Jen plan to spend about 36K for our dream wedding and another 10K for a perfect honeymoon (yes I know that sounds ridiculous to some people but we have our reasons.)
Gma’s will requested that we donate 10K to a charity of our choice. I chose a charity in our area that helps endangered LGBTQ+ youths. The rest we’re investing towards retirement and putting towards a down payment on a home.
I was telling Kate about the wedding plans. She asked how I had the funds for them. I told her it was gma’s inheritance. She was upset by this. She yelled about how while I had gone off to live my own ‘sinful’ life”, she did what any good granddaughter would. Took care of gma + raised a family.
She said she deserved much more than half the inheritance since she has a kid and cared for gma the most before her death. She mentioned the charity so I confessed that it was an LGBTQ one.
She said I’m dancing on gma’s grave by doing these things with her hard earned money that I know she’d dislike. She left and said she won’t come to the wedding. I asked some friends what they think. They said that it was still gma’s money, to spend it on something she would hate is disrespectful.
Jen suggested to use the money for something else and save up for our wedding to keep the peace. We both have good jobs so it is something we could accomplish even if it’d take a little while. Now Kate won’t answer my calls. I’m wondering if what I planned was insensitive.
I liked the idea of this gift from her to be a way to start off my new page in life. I truly loved my grandmother despite our differences. I’m wondering if this has gone too far and I should just save up for the things I want, and use her money for just a house/retirement funds. AITA?
EDIT: I figured I might as well add why the wedding will be so expensive. A good amount of Jen’s relatives live in France, including both sets of her grandparents. They (and even some of the younger family members) have various health issues that would make it either impossible or extremely stressful to fly to America for the wedding.
Jen is very close to all of them so we want them there no matter what. So our wedding will be a destination one near Paris. It’s fairly small, but of course we understand how expensive travel/childcare can be.
We both have good jobs so we want to pay for the guests’ tickets, hotel rooms, and basically help them out any way we can so they can attend. I’ll admit the honeymoon money is for some luxury fun.
Speaking as an old guy that’s been married a couple times:
1). it’s YOUR inheritance, YOUR money. Do what you want with it. But, at your age, you’d be wise to invest (save) for retirement. I’m saying this as I will not be able to retire until age 72 & I’m 66 and tired now.
2). don’t spend so much on the wedding ceremony but splurge on the honeymoon. In years to come, you won’t remember shit about the ceremony but you’ll have great memories of that honeymoon trip. (And that’s without regard to being straight or LGBTQ+.)
Nta. Now you know what your sister really thinks about you.
Do what you want with a clean conscience. It's your money and your choice.
NTA. Your sister might not like that you’re gay, but let’s be real - she just wants the money. She’s using your sexuality as an excuse. Your grandmother’s opinions aside - it isn’t her money anymore.
People can talk about it symbolically or spiritually or whatever they want, but the money is in your account. Finally, why would you want your sister at your wedding if the whole time she’d be thinking how ‘sinful’ the whole thing was?
NTA. It's your money now, and it sounds like your sister will handle donations to homophobic organizations just fine.
Ok so my 2 cents for what it’s worth. Yes, sister took care of gramma, but at least she didn’t have to hide her identity from her family her entire life or risk being ostracized. OP has paid dues, just in a different way. Take your 50%, enjoy it, and take my congratulations on your upcoming nuptials, I wish you happiness and peace. NTA.