Pregnant wife exhausted by in-laws treating her like maid; 'I'm your family.' AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for saying my in laws treat me like a live in maid & wanting to move out?"
Soft_Career_8688
I F(26) & husband M (27) live with his parents. His father had some health issues and needed some care and we agreed to move in to help out. My FIL is generally doing better now, but there are still a few things he can’t do anymore that my husband does now instead.
We’ve discussed moving out (I want to) but my in-laws are very resistant to the idea, stating that there’s plenty of room here and they don’t know what they’d do without us etc. While we don’t pay his parents to live here, (their decision) we pay for groceries for everyone and several household bills - electricity, internet, tv packages etc (the house is mortgage free) I also do all the household cleaning & cooking.
I arrange and take all their pets to their veterinary appointments too. I do work from home, so this is easier for me and as I’m able to be flexible. We also pay half of any house modifications / upgrades because they say, ‘it’ll be your house one day.’
Recently I have begun to feel resentful of the fact that, once they are all done with work, they can come home and relax. Bu, when I finish work, I have to cook and clean and have no help from them at all. On the weekends, I spend half of the day cleaning the house while they do what they want.
This all came to a head last week; I was really unwell. I felt the worst I’ve ever felt and wanted nothing more than to sleep. However, once it got around to dinner time, I was woken by my MIL to ask when I was getting up to make dinner.
I didn’t want to cause an argument so I just got up and made dinner for them. But, as I was in the kitchen struggling not to pass out, the three of them sat watching a movie, waiting for me to bring in their food.
I didn’t say anything at first. I waited until my husband and I were alone to bring up my concerns with the lack of help. My husband apologized and offered to help more, which I accepted. But, the next day, was an exact repeat.
I had to drag myself out of bed to cook and, once I brought in their food, my MIL says, ‘oh you look truly awful! Poor you! Oh btw later would you mind giving everywhere an extra clean? I don’t want to get whatever you have,’ at which point I accused them of treating me like a live in maid and not caring about me outside of the services I provide for them.
I pointed out that I wouldn’t be in the communal areas if I hadn’t been dragged out to cook and that they could have handled one meal themselves. My husband sat there in silence. He thinks I should have brought it up more carefully, at a time when I wasn't so 'emotional.' I agree that I probably should have, but I was sick and stressed.
I want to move out, but husband and in-laws are still against it. Nothing has changed with what they expect from me. I got no apology, just the silent treatment from my MIL for a couple of days. So, am I the a**hole?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
CakeEatingRabbit
NTA. But take a good look at your husband. He knew you were sick. You work too. And he just let you suffer. Even with you telling him, he thought you would just keep serving him.
Even if you weren't sick, this arrangement is highly unfair to you. You husband saves money and doesn't need to lift a finger and your in-laws save money and don't have to lift a finger. Children living with their parents have chores. These adults are sooo lazy. I'm angry right now. You deserve sooo much better.
festoeeni
THIS. If you have family/friends nearby, pack your shot and stay with them until a new living arrangement is made. Obviously NTA.
Lisbei
NTA. Also, get out now, with or without your husband. Nothing will change because everyone, except you, is fine with the situation. No, your husband doesn’t care, because if he did he would have done something about it. Pack your bags and leave.
The OP responded here in the comments:
Soft_Career_8688
Thank you for all the comments, this is my first post so I’m not sure if this is the best way to address some of the questions but here we go.
It didn’t start off with me doing everything, before we moved in with my in-laws, my husband and I split everything equally and that worked great. Once we moved here, I picked up a bunch of the household chores because I work from home and I’m here, it just made sense. Slowly over time there’s just been things added here and there and that has snowballed into the current situation.
I have stood up for myself a few times, but it’s an incredibly difficult situation… I’m very aware this is not my house, they are not my parents and the things I would say to my own parents are not the same I feel I could say to his.
I moved across the country before we got married none of my friends are here, most of my closest friends are my husbands friends wives etc. I don’t have any family nearby. I’ve always felt as though if I push too hard it would be everyone against me and I didn’t realize before now how toxic of an environment that is.
The inheritance of the house isn’t something I want / need. This was never supposed to be a long term thing and I guess I’ve just felt pressured to contribute to certain things involving the house because we do live here and my husband will get the house one day (he’s an only child)
Overall it’s just been very eye opening to realize maybe I’m not being as silly as I’m often made to think. All the little things spiral into one big mess and my husband should be sticking up for me not contributing to the problem. I’ve tried talking to him about things several times and he’ll be helpful for a couple of days before resorting back to mummy’s little Prince.
I know I’ve been needing to get out for awhile, I think this is just the push I needed to make such a massive life decision. Thanks Reddit!
3 months later, the OP returned with a formal update.
"UPDATE: AITA for saying my in laws treat me like a live in maid & wanting to move out?"
Soft_Career_8688
I’m not really sure how to best go about updating? But I guess here is as good a place as any. Firstly, thank you to everyone that reached out. I haven’t been able to get back to everyone, but I did read every message. Now, for the part you all want. 😅
After making this post, I started putting my wages into my own bank account. I removed all of my savings from our joint savings account and transferred everything from my own ‘safety’ account, just in case. This turned out to be the best decision I could have made, because I found out I was pregnant roughly two weeks after this post.
I’d been told at 15 years old that, due to some medical conditions, I’d never be able to get pregnant naturally. So, it was a complete shock. Once I had a scan to check and make sure that everything was okay. Thankfully, it was. We told my in-laws and this is what gave me the final shove I needed.
Immediately, names were being thrown around and my MIL started talking about going reducing her hours to part time or early retirement so she could be around to raise the baby. This rubbed me completely the wrong way, I didn’t want anyone else raising my baby!
Colors for the nursery and themes etc were all being discussed constantly but never with me or with my opinions being taken into consideration. Within a week, I felt as though I was just an incubator.
The final straw happened when myself, my husband's cousin (f29) and my MIL went shopping. I had been looking at the different kind of breast pumps before being told that I would be bottle feeding so everyone could help out. I didn’t want to cause a scene in the middle of the shop, so I moved on to outfits. But everything I picked up or looked at was either the wrong color or style or something.
I’d picked out one outfit, which would be my first baby purchase and my MIL snatched it out of my hands before I could pay, telling me that it was the wrong sort of outfit. She said it wasn’t gender neutral enough and, "if the baby is a boy like we’re hoping, then it’s far too feminine."
I didn’t need to be told what I could and couldn’t dress my own child in, nor did I appreciate the suggestion that they would all prefer a boy. Let alone being told how I would be feeding my child. So, I left.
I tried talking to my husband on three separate occasions and he either made excuses or blew me off entirely. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I packed my bags and went to stay with my sister for a week.
My husband called once and asked me to go home. Once. I made it clear I wouldn’t be returning to live in that house, that I would raise the baby on my own if he didn’t want to leave, that was his decision. But I said I would not allow my child to be raised in such a toxic environment.
Big surprise to no one, he stayed put. After that, I got spammed with texts in the family group chat, but I left and deleted them all. I’ve started the divorce process and hopefully, as I’ve saved every disgusting message from either my ex or his family about both myself and my baby, they wont get any form of custody. Although, since I announced the gender they’ve all gone silent.
I now have a small three bedroom house. I’m only renting for now while I wait for the divorce to be finalized. But, it’s plenty big enough for the two of us. My daughter will grow up surrounded by my family and plenty of cousins to play with.
The house is pretty bare at the minute, as I only got the keys a couple of days ago, but I have time before she gets here to make sure everything is ready. Thank you again for all your kind words. The situation didn’t play out how I had hoped, but I can’t help feeling as though it’s for the best.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this latest update:
nustedbut
I was thinking "f*%k her husband." "found out I'm pregnant." 'Not like that!!!"
Deadpool_1989
There’s a “Pull the lever, Kronk! WRONG LEVER” kind of joke in here somewhere.
Distinct-Inspector-2
OP is having a girl. She will likely not hear a peep from her husband or in-laws again, which sounds like it’s for the best.
captain_borgue
I’m turning into an unskippable cut scene in therapy.
"I want to move out but husband and in-laws are still against it."
OP cooks, cleans, handles the pets, and pays half of the repairs? No f*&^ing wonder they don't want her to leave, she's doing all the work! I'm glad OP got the f*ck outta there eventually.
Feeya_b
Mamas boys, they forever stay as boys and never learn how to stand on their own feet or stand up for what’s right. So gross...