Teen screams dad's new wife is 'stealing her father,' trying to erase her mother. AITA? UPDATED
"AITA for insulting my father’s girlfriend and telling her to get out of our lives."
SwanAltruistic2129
My mother was my world. I remember reading books, watching documentaries, and going on road trips with her. She baked my sister and I cookies whenever we were sick. Her and dad would take us hiking every other week.
I still miss her even now. When I was eleven years old, she passed away from a driving accident. It was the hardest year in my life, and it hasn’t gotten easier.
Two years after she passed, my father started dating a woman named Nicole, and four years later, they’re getting married. Nicole is younger than my father. After dating Nicole, I saw my father come back into his shell, but it turned into something else. Nicole brought adventure back into his life, but they often went on elaborate trips and frequent night outs.
During all of this, I felt neglected. My father slowly stopped taking my sister and I on our weekly hikes. He started speaking less and less over calls, and he even once forgot my mother’s birthday. After she came into our lives, I started losing my father. He just wasn’t there anymore.
One time, when my sister and I were home alone, she fell down the stairs and got a huge cut on her forehead. It was clear she needed stitches, so I called my father immediately. Nicole answered the phone and I told her to give the phone to my father. She refused, saying he was busy and before I could get another word in, she disconnected the call.
I embarrassingly had to ask the neighbor to bring us to urgent care where my dad later met us. This woman at one point removed my mother’s picture from the fire mantle to put up a picture of her and my dad from their trip to Washington. The thing that tipped me over was when she made my father forget about my mother’s birthday.
Every year, my sister and I go with our father to visit my mother on her birthday. It was an annual tradition even before Nicole entered our lives. Nicole and my father went on a trip to Florida and were supposed to be back three days before my mother’s birthday.
But, because this woman is motion sick, my father decided to break the drive back into small intervals to make it easier on her. Because of this, he ended up missing our annual trip. He didn’t even call us.
Not even a week later, my father has the nerve to tell us about an “exciting surprise”...Nicole is pregnant. I get angry and tell my father “you need to knock her up when you can’t even be here for us”. I then look at Nicole and tell her she is a disgusting piece of trash and to get out of our lives.
My father gets angry and yells at me to go up to my room. Later, my grandpa unexpectedly came over to pick me up. My father didn’t text me. Even as I left, he wouldn’t even look at me. It’s been two days, and I’m still at my grandparent's home. I feel ashamed for saying what I said, yet I don’t feel overwhelming regret. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers:
dg__875
NTA. Nicole showed her colors when your sister was injured and she wouldn't let you talk to your dad. And he has showed his colors, too, in many different ways. I hope your grandparents can continue to be there for you. You didn't say your age, but I hope you can be free of all this soon (i.e., be 18). You were harsh and rude...but I can't fault you given what you've shared.
The OP responded here:
SwanAltruistic2129
I appreciate it. I'm 17, and I've spoken to school counselors too. No one is willing to help me. I've tried talking with my dad about how I feel way before my outburst, but it always ends with "it happened years ago. it's time to move on". I don't even know what that means. My sister can't get help either, so I'm trying to peacefully exist for her.
embopbopbopdoowop
NTA. I’m so sorry, OP. I don’t even know where to start. You are categorically not the AH. Nicole is a huge one but your dad wins by a mile. You and your sister should be his top priority, not the afterthought he’s currently treating you as. What happened at the hospital? Did you or your sister tell the nurse that you were home alone and that your father wouldn’t come to the phone?
The OP again responded:
SwanAltruistic2129
My neighbor came with us inside the urgent care, but while driving us there, he called my dad and he picked up. My dad said he'll be there in 15-20 min which he was. I'm scared of saying anything that could get him in trouble, so I made something up like she got hurt while playing outside.
In the past, I mentioned something to a school counselor and a police officer visited our home. My dad got pretty angry, so I try to avoid those situations. Hopefully this gives some context.
LizzieHatfield
Sweet girl, my heart is breaking for you and your sister. I’m a 43 year old mom of 2 and my husband was killed in a car accident in 2021. Our kids were 6 & 7 at the time. I have struggled with losing him-we were together since 17-and even now can’t imagine moving on.
My children are the center of my world. We have cried, grieved, and talked about memories of him together. We got each other through. I wish I could give you and your sister a giant hug.
You could tell me all about your mom, and I would share stories of my husband. Grief should be shared so you know you’ve got support and you’re not alone. I’m so sorry and hope things will be better soon.
The OP decided to share a sweet memory here:
SwanAltruistic2129
Thank you....this means a lot, and I'm so sorry for your loss. I used to tell stories about mom as bedtime stories for my sister. It always made us feel she was still here. One that I remember from the top of my head is about our farm...My mom grew up on a farm, and after my grandma passed away, she inherited it.
Since I was five, we visited the farm, and she taught me how to catch turkeys. It was hilarious. She would make turkey noises and the turkeys would approach her. Then, she would scoop them up. The turkeys always looked spooked haha I still remember...I think I was 7, I was making weird turkey noises, but all the turkeys seemed scared off me.
So, I just start chasing them down until tripped over a brine bucket and got mud all over my face. My mom then took the hose and sprayed me down and we had a mini water fight. My grandpa was mad about the mess but it didn't matter:)
No-Royal-8309
OP, I am so sorry you two children are neglected. NTA a hundred times! Ask your grandparents to get your mother's heirlooms out of the house, and i really hope you can lean on your grandparents and stay with them. Tell them of this neglect. Also, check that your mother's legacy (inheritance) is not stolen from you.
Your father is not a good parent or a person. He has abandoned you when you have lost your mother, and would deserve special love and care. Hope you can go to counseling for emotional support.
Work on your school, cling to your sibling and grandparents, and any aunts/uncles if you have any. Lean on friends. Good luck OP! Your feelings are very justified, you are not AH here.
Five weeks later, the OP returned with an update.
"UPDATE: AITA for insulting my father’s girlfriend and telling her to get out of our lives."
SwanAltruistic2129
Small Update: I've set up a meeting with the counselor next week while my dad is out in California. I'm not going to lie, I feel anxious about it because I haven't told anyone. I'm trying to time it, so he's not here or can't be here when all of this goes down.
Hi everyone, it’s been a while. I really want to thank all of you for your perspectives and advice. Just wanted to give an update. Regarding Thanksgiving dinner, when my dad and Nicole arrived, I asked if I could speak with them both.
My dad said he didn’t want to talk and went into the living room. Nicole still remained by the front door, so I apologized for insulting her. She replied that she needed to leave and went to the living room.
Overall, she still seemed rightfully angry with me. Dinner was awkward because my grandma would try to get my dad and I to talk, but he wouldn’t really bother. After dinner, I pulled him aside and apologized again. He ignored me and went straight to Nicole.
I still wasn’t sure if I was heading back with him or not, so I packed everything just in case. When he was getting ready to leave, I asked him if I could come back home. He said Nicole wasn’t comfortable having me home even though it had been a few days since the incident. I spent the entire night crying on the phone with my sister.
Therapy and Living Situation: After having my call with my maternal grandpa, he called my paternal grandparents a couple days later to discuss my situation. I overheard the call between them.
My maternal grandpa expressed he was concerned about me, especially my mental state and asked my paternal grandparents if they were willing to talk to my dad about putting me in therapy.
My grandparents said they’d be willing to take me to their church’s mental support group or talk with their faith leader who specializes in grief counseling. My grandpa pushed back on the idea and mentioned a need for more professional help, but they were not receptive to the idea.
All three of them also had a heated conversation about my living arrangement. My grandpa said it was ridiculous for a grown man to throw out their daughter, and it was shameful that my paternal grandparents are not hard-pressed in helping me get back home. That’s all I heard regarding the conversation.
Now, my grandma started taking me to weekly private sessions with the faith leader. I’m not entirely happy with the arrangement, but it has helped me start to process my grief in a healthier way. Also, I am still living with my grandparents.
I apologized over and over through text to my dad and through my grandparents, but he has not responded. My maternal grandpa has called my dad many times, but my dad blocked him. I am contemplating telling my school counselor next semester all the details regarding my dad and not omitting anything to protect him.
I also wasn’t invited to my dad and Nicole’s Christmas dinner which hurt, but I’m starting to not care to have a relationship with my dad. I don’t know if my feelings will change. In a twisted way, it was good he didn’t let me go back home with him. The space has helped me focus on myself.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's update:
TimeEnvironmental687
I’m so sorry that you have deal with this I’m in tears whilst typing this. You need to expose him completely he is able to get away with everything because people still believe he is a good father when he is a terrible one.
Also I would send him one final text message and tell him that he should disregard all previous apologies as you didn’t mean them and you are happy for him to sign away his rights to your grandpa. Then go full scorched earth and destroy him, he should be ashamed of himself.
KitchenDismal9258
You're 17 if my math is correct and still a minor. Even if you've just turned 18, you are still a young kid. Can you live with your maternal grandparents as it sounds like you are currently living with your paternal grandparents?
What your grandmother is doing now with the faith therapist will probably do more damage. Would your maternal grandparents be able to perhaps pay for a real therapist but do it via telehealth unless you can drive yourself?
If your maternal grandparents can take you but they live too far for you to continue at your current school then it may be a matter of just getting through this last school year and you will be done by April/May. It will fell like forever but if you focus on your schooling then it may distract you enough from your living situation to get you through.
You may also need some meds to help calm your brain so that the talk therapy can work. I have no respect for your father. He was not there for you after your mother died... and it's possible that he wasn't there for you before that and your mother was doing it all.
Nicole is a nasty woman who just wants your father. She probably didn't like the baggage (you and your sister) that came with him so has done her best to alienate you from him.
How much younger is Nicole? Your dad may have another child to her... he also might not.. but he may find himself very lonely if he needs more support as he ages because you and your sister won't be there.
But after you finish high school you probably need to get out of where you are. Either get a job and move out. Or move out to college. Focus on your future and where you are headed as your dad and Nicole aren't worth it and you are better than them.
Don't let them drag you down. You have your whole life ahead of you. The school may have counseling services you can access too. Speak to someone there about it.
The OP provided an update in the comments here:
SwanAltruistic2129
I can't live with my maternal grandpa because I'm sure my dad wouldn't allow it. He has threatened to call the cops in the past when my sister and I stayed at my grandpa's place. Given how my grandpa and dad are not on speaking terms, I believe trying to live with him will only further prevent us from seeing him.
Believe me, I never wanted to go to a faith leader for mental help. My paternal grandparents are hell-bent on not taking me to a valid professional. They don't believe in it and are worried what others might think of me if I do. I can drive myself, but I don't have my own car. I also don't want to lie to my grandparents about my whereabouts if I do take their truck. It's too big of a risk for me.
I've lost a lot of love and respect I have for my father. I've stopped trying to communicate. I still end up crying some days, but it's becoming less frequent. The only reason I'll ever talk to him is if it's anything regarding my sister.
Nicole is 34 years old, and my dad is 44 years old. I hope he is present for the baby. I have no expectations for him having regret or expressing remorse. My image of him pretty much died the moment he kicked me out.
I already work at a local diner, so I'm hoping to save enough before summer at least. Also, I've gotten into 2-3 colleges as of rn. I'm excited for that chapter. I'm feeling overwhelmed with the amount of messages, but I want to say that I am not literate regarding the laws around my situation.
Regarding my sister and I's college fund, my mom worked in a small boutique, and some money earned through that was set aside. While, my dad worked as a consultant, and I do know he did put some money into the funds too. I don't know if my sister and I received any money regarding benefits or any monetary inheritance from my mom after she passed.
I'm still understanding a great deal of information, and writing everything out first. I even recently opened up a bank account with my grandparents' help, so now, I will not be dependent on him for simple monetary needs.
I have thought about emancipation, but in less than a year, I'll be 18, so I am not sure if that avenue is worth my energy given everything else. Also, thank you for leaving info in the comments! I'll certainly be looking into all of that.
Also, I know it is a small percentage of people, but please don't send me messages telling me to do violent things to my dad or Nicole or wishing harm on their baby. I don't need that, nor would I wish it upon anybody.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after this update from the OP:
LucyAriaRose
Hi OP! First off, I'm so sorry all of this is happening to you. I hope you know there are sooo many of us who believe in you and support you. Second, one of the rules of this sub are that people are not supposed to reach out to you or message you.
If they do they are banned, so please feel free to report them to the mods of this sub. (Or honestly call them out here and I'll block them and report them.) But I'm sorry you're having to deal with ANY of that- that is not supposed to happen.
People always have a lot of advice, but ultimately you know your situation best. I'm glad people are sharing their thoughts, but always make sure to prioritize your safety and well-being first, ok?
The OP responded:
SwanAltruistic2129
I believe my mom and dad contributed to a 529 plan for both my sister and I. Idk how much is in it, or if he'll try to change the beneficiary to possibly the baby after. I am trying to figure that out since my mom contributed to it as well if I can still be entitled to that money, or if I could get the money back if he tries to change the beneficiary (Idk if this part is possible, but a possibility that I thought of)."
"Faith leader says his behavior is a result of denial of the mourning process, and that his unhealthy coping mechanisms (ex: constantly going out with Nicole) have manifested into his current actions. Also, he may be ignoring us because we remind him of mom or some bs like that.
The leader puts heavy emphasis on family, so it's clear he's just finding roundabout ways to explain my dad's actions but doesn't acknowledge his wrongdoings. He at least acknowledges my feelings and discusses healthy coping mechanisms and how to manage grief. The faith leader never agreed or disagreed with any of my sentiments.
Two months after their initial post, the OP provided a final update.
"Update"
SwanAltruistic2129
Hi, I wasn’t sure if I was still allowed to add long updates to my old post, but I wanted to give one. Right now, everything is a mess, so I’ll try my best to be coherent. This in hindsight was an idiotic mistake on my end, but after I scheduled a meeting with my counselor, I mentioned it while calling my sister.
On the call, I never explicitly mentioned my intention to report him, but she started freaking out and telling me it was not a good idea. She ended up crying on call saying that I would be hurting our father if I reported him.
I told her that I wouldn’t go to the meeting to help her calm down. Regardless, I still planned on going to the counselor meeting. I scheduled the meeting during the second week of January while my father was out in California.
Night before the meeting, I got a call from my father. He said that if I ever wanted a place to live again to not spread lies about him to the counselor. I said that I would never do that, and that was the end of the call.
This was the first time I’ve spoken to him in days, and I never gave any indication of me reporting him. I realized my sister must have said something, so I called her to talk. I asked her why she would tell him something like this, and she said that he called her to ask what I was doing. She slipped up and told him that I was planning to meet with the counselor.
I still ended up going to the counselor meeting, and I told him everything that was going on. I told the counselor to please not notify my father about the meeting, and he agreed. At the very end, the counselor gave me 2-3 pamphlets for mental health support, and said he’ll follow-up with me.
He also dodged my questions regarding what will happen now. A day later right after I got home from school, my paternal grandpa called me over and said he wanted to talk. He told me that the school called my father to set-up a meeting with the counselor.
He started to yell and get angry with me saying that “if I pull this garbage, they’ll take my sister and the baby away” He also said that I wasn’t raised to lie and continued to reprimand me. I never thought my grandpa was capable of being this way, but it scared me how angry he got. I also got grounded, so I’m not allowed to drive or visit friends for a couple of weeks.
I don’t know what exactly went down in the meeting between the counselor and my father. From the call between my grandpa and father, I learned there was a police officer present in the meeting and that they will be doing a wellness check.
Also, my father denied everything that I told the counselor and chalked it up to me being spiteful because I lost my mom. I wasn’t in a good mental state afterwards, and I am still not. I call my friend and ask her to stay on the phone with me most times, or I just rot in my room. Also, as punishment, my grandma stopped taking me to the faith leader, so that’s my current situation.
Here were the top rated comments from readers after the OP's final update:
Gwynasyn
Pretty sure if I said what I really thought about the dad and paternal grandparents, I'd get banned. What absolute garbage human beings.
malarky-b
Those paternal grandparents are so religious they take OP to a faith healer, but they accuse her of the sin of lying when they know very well that she isn't. I hate them so much. Hypocrites.
North_Respond_6868
That's what pisses me off the most about the last update. Everyone is mad about her "telling lies" and she's not. Like if your actions are so shameful you're afraid of people finding out, you should not do them?? It's not that hard. And the poor younger sister is in for a rough time once OP escapes and she's the one they accuse of lying.
Curraghboy1
Future reddit post. "My 10 years younger wife has fucked off and my kids won't take my calls, I did nothing to prompt this situation."
AquaticStoner1996
What a truly TERRIBLE update. It's hard secondhand reading everyone in this kids life failing him. I remember reading the previous update and being so angry he kept trying so hard to apologize to people who didn't deserve it, and being blatantly ignored in return. I kept mentally begging him to stop trying because the dad so badly didn't deserve it. This awful family.